She bundles up in her new black North Face jacket with the fuzzy liner, zips it up, and heads out the door.  Walking to the mailbox with great anticipation and a deep longing, she returns with a sad face; empty handed.

Every day I have watched this unfold since Christmas.  The article she is looking for is something, anything from her father.  The same father that she has not spoken to since May 2015.  Although she loves her dad, she cannot continue to put herself out there to be hurt once again.  And yet, here we are, and she is still being hurt by him.

At almost 19 years of age, she has realized that although she wants, wishes, and cries daily over what she would like her dad to do, nothing will make him reach out to her in love.  All she wants is to be shown that he loves her.  A card in the mail would help her to know that he is thinking of her.  One simple little card.

Her birthday is Friday, and so she waits, longs, hopes and prays … only to be disappointed with each passing day.

Meanwhile, a misunderstanding has caused great heartache for her in another area of her life. She should be overcome with joy after celebrating a wonderful Christmas and New Years, and yet with her birthday approaching, she finds herself sobbing into her pillow at night.  She doesn’t think anyone knows, but I know.  I hear what she thinks no one can, and my heart breaks into pieces with each tear that falls from her eyes and rolls down her cheeks.

It is hard for me to sit back and watch all of this unfold knowing that there isn’t a single thing in the world that I can do with a clear conscience to FIX any of it.  I cannot change her dad’s heart, just like I cannot change the heart of the other party in the mist of this misunderstanding.  I cannot get either party to see that their actions have hurt her tremendously.

What is also extremely hard is that both proclaim to love her, yet their actions – or lack thereof – are hurting her more than they even realize.  And … they both blame me; her mother.  These individuals are so different, yet so alike in this regard.  One will blame me forever, although he cheated and had a baby while we were still married. Yet, in his eyes, I’m wrong.  I’m the one that is at fault here.  HOW?  The other … wants an apology that I cannot give.  Why?  Because I was disrespected, and they refuse to see it as such or apologize to me.  So, in their eyes, and even in my daughter’s eyes now, I’m wrong.  I’m the one … it is all MY fault, in their minds anyway.  The truth of the matter is that I didn’t cause my ex husband to cheat on me.  And furthermore, I did not cause this individual now to disrespect me.  These people had CHOICES.  And now there are consequences for the choices they made and for their actions.  My daughter is stuck in the middle of BOTH right now – and is hurting greatly.  She can’t take a breath in that it doesn’t hurt.  She resolves into tears within seconds of trying to hold a conversation with her.  It is haunting her, and yet now she’s being punished by no contact with either individuals.  Her dad will not push his pride aside to make this right so he can reconnect and have a relationship with his daughter.  AND neither will this other party!

All I can do is pray that God will sort this out … soon.  For my daughter’s sake.  For her sanity.  She has already fought deep depression and almost crippling anxiety.  She has come out a survivor and an inspiration although self harm tried to win … she had the strength of a steel anchor.  And as ironic as this is, with the anchor being in the forefront of our minds … she refuses to sink.  With her head bobbing and almost going beneath the surface, she struggles with all of her might to hold her head up so that the stress of these situations does not take her under once more.

I’ve prayed.  As she’s been balled up in a heap in the fetal position on her bed for days, I have prayed over her, for her, and even for the one that we’re having the misunderstanding with.  I’ve prayed for her dad as well.  I cannot control this situation or the individuals in the situation.  All I can do is pray … and that is my weapon against the enemy right now trying to steal my daughter’s joy … trying to kill her relationships … and trying to destroy her.  God is bigger than ALL of this … and so I go to Him in prayer once more.