A friend loves at all times.  It’s in the bible, and we know we are to act according to God’s word.

Having any type of friendship comes with give and take.  When a friendship gets to the point where one party is always giving and the other party is always taking, then we have a problem.  When this happens, we can still love them, but we can choose to do so from afar.

I’ve come to accept that people are not going to be there for me in the ways that I am there for them.  It’s been proven time and time again with this one friendship in particular.  Therefore, I have come to have no expectations here with them at all.  None.  I know they will always fail me.  I realize they will never be there for me in my time of need, yet they expect me to be there for them.  And, I have.  Through many, many years, actually.  But, I can no longer be the glue that holds this friendship together.  OR the person that accepts less than I deserve from a friendship. OR the rock they lean on in troubled times just for me to be left all alone in my time of need. This one sided friendship has to go.

So this is me, drawing a line in the sand.

I accept where they are and the type of person they choose to be. I say “choose” because I realize it IS a choice they make time and time again.

No more.

I am done carrying this friendship that I have carried for 20 years.

I acknowledge the toxic friendship.  I accept what has come to pass.  And I am getting off of this one sided friendship train TODAY.

I still love the person, and it is okay for me to put up boundaries that should have been put in place a long time ago.  It’s called taking care of ME!

How self-aware are you?  I mean, really?

If someone walked up to you and asked this question, how would you respond:

“What is your greatest strength and greatest weakness?”

We’re not talking job interview answers.  Dig deeper than that.

Be honest with yourself, and answer the question.

I’ll go first.

I think my greatest strength is the love, care, concern, and compassion I have for others.  It isn’t just contained to the human race either.  All of these wonderful strengths extend to animals as well.  Whether it’s my 15 hand-high horse or my two pound Teacup Yorkie, my love is real, true, and deep.

There.  That was easy enough.  Now comes the hard part!

It’s so easy to talk about the good things about ourselves, but what about our weaknesses?  That’s a hard one because no one wants to admit that we’re weak in an area, and the last thing we want to do is reveal this weakness to others.

Yet, I have come to realize that my greatest weakness is the amount of time I invest in people who abuse the love I have in my heart for them.  For some strange reason, I don’t give up too easily on people.  Others would run screaming in the opposite direction any time drama starts to happen; drama that they know the individuals are creating themselves.  It is like a vaccum and sucks people in at first as they don’t realize what’s happening, and a small part of them wants to save or fix the person doing all of this.  We believe in our hearts that these people are better than the behavior they are exhibiting, and we think that our love will save them.  However, it soon becomes clear that we cannot save them from themselves!

In reality, I am no one’s savior.  I realize that I can love them through every drama filled moment, reeling them back in each time, and yet it will happen again, and again, and again. It isn’t so much that I’m “allowing” it to happen, though.  Sadly, people will often view it as such.   However, when you find out they are sick, as in a real diagnosis has been handed down, you still hang in there trying to help.  It’s harder to distance yourself when the person is a spouse and you have children together.  Maybe that will make people view it in the light that it should have been viewed in all along.

For me, my self-awareness brings my strengths and weaknesses together.  One leads directly into the other.  I care.  I love.  I extend compassion and concern.  And I and my feelings get trampled on by lies, deceit, and betrayal that goes along with their diagnosis.  It’s NOT fair to me or the children.

So yes, I am completely aware and yet find myself unable to stop the cycle.  I care, therefore I am stuck.  Yet, with each time this happens, a little bit of madness creeps in until one day, I will be able to take all the bricks that have been thrown at me to build a wall around my heart where that person is concerned.  And Lord help them when that day comes.

Change is hard.  We all know that.  With each thing you change, there is some pain involved.  It’s no different when you’re changing jobs, if you’re leaving under bad circumstances, or things in your life have gone crazy and you need to change things there.

I have a situation I’m facing right now that pains me greatly.  I cry.  I sob deep, heart wrenching sobs into my hands gripping my face in despair as I try to figure out my next step.  It’s difficult when I find it hard to even take in the next breath of air.  Yet, I have two beautiful daughter looking up to me, and I cannot let them down.

Living with someone that wreaks emotional havoc on you and your entire family is hard.  So is dealing with a bi-polar person or an addict of any kind, whether it’s a sex addict, porn addict, a drug addict or alcoholic.

You stare into the mirror, now see puffy eyes and a red nose looking back at you, and you know it’s time for a change.  Your heart cannot take doing this over and over and over again.

The “I’m sorry’s” are not enough.

The “But we love each other” fall short also at a time like this.

We are only allotted so many days on the face of this earth.  Why must there be so much struggle and strife in one individual’s life?  I’m not having a pity party over here.  I am asking real questions that only God knows the answer to, yet they linger in my mind.

I rationalize that it will hurt for a while.  There will be pain as I mourn the loss, just like you would if someone passed away.  Yet, the emotional turmoil is almost too great at times.  My heart can only take so much, and I’m not speaking figuratively in a romantic sort of way.  Health wise, you will begin to suffer if you live in this unhealthy environment.

Please pray that this change will go as smoothly as it can under the circumstances, with rational adults with level heads prevailing.

Pray for my children’s hearts and lives as we face the pain of change.

Life throws so much at us until we wonder how we can handle it all.  That is when you need to take some time away to just … play!

More often than not, you will find me laughing and being silly.  Some people appreciate this side of me while others aren’t too fond of it at all.   Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not being silly in a disrespectful way, nor am I being silly at an inappropriate time (ie: a funeral or in church).   Instead, there are times when my moments of silliness are at precisely the exact time I feel I am going to lose it.

Recently, we’ve dealt with my mother-in-laws fight with terminal cancer that lead to her agonzing death.  We had mixed feelings of relief now that she was no longer suffering, mixed in with feelings of guilt because who, in their right mind, things stuff like this when we’d rather have her here with us.  But … that is us selfishly wanting her on this earth, but not in the shape she was in during her last months, days, and even hours.

Then, as if months of this wasn’t enough, the 16th anniversary of my sister’s suicide rolled around.  That is always a hard time as so many bad memories come flooding in no matter how hard I try to block them out.  I can still feel the overwhelming emotions I had when pulling into her driveway to see cop cars every where and my father in such a helpless, broken state.  Although I try hard not to re-live those moments, they are there.  Thankfully, I did manage to make it through July 9th again this year despite all of that;  July 9th is otherwise known as our “D-Day.”

Instead of crawling in a hole or throwing the covers back over my head, as tempting as it is at times, I continue to move forward.  And, in doing so, I incorporate moments of play and silliness as well.  It helps heal my soul.

There are various ways in which I “play.”   From plucking my favorite horse from her pasture, sliding the bit into her mouth and grasping the reins as I softly sit on her bareback for a quick ride around the yard, to splashing my 12 year old daughter in our pool, to dancing wildly in the kitchen with my children laughing instead of joining in … all of which are good for my soul!

And so I ride …

I splash …

I dance …

Because although there are moments in life that bring us to our knees, God meets us there giving us the strength to go on.    We still have loved ones here that need us, and so we press on.  We have a purpose in this life, and as they some times say, “There is purpose in the pain.”   For me, there is distinct purpose in my play time!

It’s been a while since I’ve felt inspired enough to write.  Losing my mother-in-law in April took a toll on us all.  Having to see her in her final days and moments in the shape she was in was extremely hard, but it was worth it because we were there with her.  Even in what appeared to be a comatose state, I feel she knew we were all gathered around her; stroking her hair, holding her hand.

Life does not go back to normal after a loss such as this.  It changes people.  Some people struggle to the point that it brings out all the bad within them, while others grieve silently, unable to visit her gravesite or take flowers.

My family and I took flowers to my mother-in-law while she was in the hospital.  We wanted her to see the beauty of each rose petal and appreciate the fragrance that filled the room right then, while she still could.  I did the same with my sister before her passing as well.  Fresh bouqets of flowers brought a smile, even if only for a short while amongst the pain they were facing, both in their different ways.

So many times, we’d take granola and fruit parfaits to her bedside to encourage her to eat, even if it was just a few spoonfulls.  Now it’s hard to see a parfait because those thoughts come flooding in.

Yet, in the end, it was all worth it.

Each small gesture was appreciated and greeted by a weak smile from my mother-in-law.  In her sweet, soft voice, she’d say, “You didn’t have to do that …” but our hearts desired to do that and more for her.  If only our love could have cured her, as she had an army of love warriors surrounding her.

It’s still hard two months later.  My husband is the one that cannot bring himself to visit his mother’s grave.  I’ve offered to take flowers and be right there with him when he goes, but he can’t at this point.  Understandably so.

We wonder some times if our efforts matter.  I’m here to tell you that they do.  Each and every kind gesture, the smallest act of kindness, matters more than you can imagine.

… And is worth it.

People are worth it.

So love with all your might.  Extend your heart to others, even the ones that harbor hatred in theirs.  The battle isn’t with you.  It is the demons inside of them.  Continue to put on the armor of God and show love in all your ways.

In the end, it is worth it to touch a heart, a life, a soul.

It seems a little too soon to celebrate after losing someone so close to our hearts this week.  Yet, it is my sweet mother’s birthday today.  She is turning 70 years old, and she deserves to have a celebration of her life.

She hasn’t always had an easy life.  Growing up, it was hard what all she endured.  The stories she has told in the past make me happy that I grew up with parents like her and my daddy.   They were high school sweethearts, although my dad admits when he first saw her, he thought she was ugly.  Then, the next year, she wore her hair differently, and he fell completely head over heels in love with her.  Her sister really wanted him, but my mom won the prize.  ~Smile~  They married and went on to have two beautiful daughters.  They struggled some in life and in their marriage, but if we’re honest, we all do at some point or another.  They lost their oldest daughter in 2001 when tragedy struck.  Life hasn’t been the same since.  My mom continues to press on despite the pain, and most days, you will find her smiling, joking, and digging around in my candy dish when she comes to my house.  Fishing out the good ole Dove chocolate, she, then, turns to my refrigerator to snack on some cheese.  She knows I’ll always have a good supply of both chocolate and cheese at my house.  It’s a running joke now as soon as she hits my house, she’ll hit up my candy and cheese, but that’s okay.  A woman of 70 years old can do whatever her little heart desires.  She’s earned that right!  And we just smile.

After the week we’ve just spent burying my mother-in-law, it makes us want to cling tighter to the loved ones that are still here with us.  We don’t want our love to become suffocating, but we want them to know, now more than ever, how much we truly love and appreciate them.

During my mother-in-law’s illness, a lot of things got pushed aside while we focused on her.  I was fearful that while our focus was on her, we’d lose valuable time with others.  I prayed nothing happened to anyone in my family when I was so distant with them during that time.  I wasn’t cold at all toward them, yet I wasn’t as close as my heart desired to be with them since I was spending so much time helping my mother-in-law and helping my husband through these months leading up to her death.

I thank God that I can now shift my focus back to my family; that they’re still here for me to do this with.  They understand, and they don’t have any ill feelings at all.  They would never be that way about it.  My dad lost his mom a few, short years ago, and the pain is so new even still.  So he, of all people, understands.

When you think about it, my mother has lived a long life!  She’s 70 years old!  She has out lived her own mother and her siblings, as they passed at an earlier age.  I thank God that my mother is still here for us to celebrate with!  And, I beg God for more time with both of my parents. Please, God.  Please!

Ah, yes.  A celebration of life will take place today.  Unlike the celebration of life that occurred three days ago when we attended my mother-in-law’s funeral, today we will celebrate the life of a beautiful soul that will be smiling back at us from across the table.  She’ll joke with us, she’ll laugh, and we will soak up every single moment with her feeling ever so thankful that she’s here.  We can hug her close to us, and we will!

Thank you, God, for 70 years of my mother being on this earth.  I pray for many, many more years with this beautiful woman!

Happy birthday, Mama.  We love you so very much.

The Five Minute Friday word for this week is More.

And so, I set my timer and begin.

My mother-in-law passed away Tuesday, April 25, 2017,  after battling cancer for eight months.  She put on a brave face as she endured chemo and radiation, only to find that she was not able to tolerate chemo after all.  Thus, it was discontinued in October of 2016.

We had a nice Thanksgiving and Christmas with her, and shortly after the new year, we visited with her before she started to go downhill.  Leaving the cancer untreated only allowed it to travel to other areas in her body, ultimately consuming her.

Her body weakened, and we were told to prepare for the worst.  I’ll never forget her turning to us during one of her many hospital visits and saying, “I thought I had more time.”  

When my oldest daughter visited with her alone in her hospital room, she begged her to pray.  My daughter assured her that she would, as my mother-in-law told her she was not ready to go yet.

She fought hard and did not give up easily, as she wanted to be here for the birth of her great grandson.  And God allowed this, as he was born in late March.  She held him, although in a very frail state at that point.  They placed him on her lap, and he stretched out across her in her hospital bed.

We were not ready to let her go this week.  We wanted more time with her.  One more day … one more warm embrace … one more “I love you” … Not in the shape she was in, though, but when she was well and whole.  We realize that while she may be gone from our sight right now, she is dancing with Jesus in Heaven right along with her loved ones that went on before her.  No more cancer and no more pain, as she was given a new body in Christ.

While there won’t be any more time granted to us this side of Heaven, we will treasure the time God did allow us to have with her.  And, we will hug those around us a little tighter, love deeper, and carry her memory with us always.

Her final wish was to have her family reunited.  There was a great division in the family for years, and it worried her so.  Finally, she can rest in peace knowing we’re trying to honor her wish.  That is the only good thing to come from this situation.

My mother-in-law is not well.  As a matter of fact, recently, the doctors only gave her two weeks to live if she did not have an operation on her blocked kidneys.  She was in pain from the cancer inside of her addominal cavity, but the pain was compounded by the inability to relieve herself.  They decided to go forward with the procedure, and she has two tubes remaining at his point coming out of her back.   They are going in today to replace the tubes with shunts to keep the flow open from her kidneys to her bladder.

No one likes to talk about death or dying.  Yet, it is necessary at a time like this.  We want to make sure she receives the best care at this time, as well as when her time comes and she passes from this world.

Last week, my father-in-law pulled up outside of the funeral home I work for and sat in his car waiting on my husband to arrive.  Together they planned on making the arrangements so that when she passes from this world, they will not have to deal with details during their grief.  Before my husband’s arrival, I walked outside to greet my father-in-law.  He looked at me in a silent protest, unwilling to get out of his vehicle.  After a few moments, I talked him into coming inside where he could sit more comfortably on the couch in the lobby while I fixed him a hot cup of coffee.  He smiled weakly as he reached for the door with trembling hands.  It took a minute for him to be surefooted enough to make those steps into the funeral home.  Once inside, my husband joined him, along with one of our funeral directors, to begin the arrangements.

In times like these, I have often wondered where we go after we pass.  Do we go straight to Heaven?  Are we sleeping until Christ comes back during the resurrection when we will rise to join Him?

I found this article that helped answer some of these questions, and I’d like to share it with you now.  Click here to read more over at Desiring God’s website.