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Light, Love, Hope

Light in the Darkness Surrounded by Love with Hope for those in need.

Tamela Hyatt Jasmann

About Tamela Hyatt Jasmann

https://www.lightlovehope.com

Tamela is a Navy Brat, and all of her efforts to date are in honor of and as a tribute to her father, a Naval Pilot, whom she lost at a very tender age. Despite being diagnosed as Bi-Polar and with a non-cancerous, inoperable brain tumor, Tamela is now the President of an organization in Arizona that she is passionate about which affords her the opportunity to serve Veterans.

Posts by Tamela Hyatt Jasmann:

Suicide Prevention and Awareness

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NOTE:  Tamela shares her very personal story in this blog post concerning depression, mental illness, and suicidal thoughts.   Please read Suicide Prevention and Awareness and allow your heart to open to what she is saying so that you can help others around you.  Share your love and compassion with those that are hurting in the world today.  ~Shirley

 

Hold me now I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking That maybe six feet Ain’t so far down Please come now I think I’m falling I’m holding on to all I think is safe

 

This is the final chorus to a Creed song called One Last Breathe.  I sometimes blast the song in my car and sing my lungs out as a suicide survivor because it reminds me that sometimes the loudest screams on earth are never uttered or heard by anyone.  Even if the words are spoken, the sad fact is that many do not hear the screams, the pain, the slow dying inside.  “Hold me now…,”  oh how often in my past I’ve thought those words which used to include, “I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking, maybe six feet ain’t so far down.”  I feel blessed and grateful to live outside that world today but I’ve lived there, not knowing, not understanding; certainly not thinking anyone else felt or understood my pain, wanting it all to just end…six feet ain’t so far down…

 

September is Suicide Prevention month.  This topic runs deep inside me daily as I know what it feels like to not be able to see any good in life, to feel that all have deserted you and no one understands…so why try to explain; besides, wouldn’t the world just be better off if I hadn’t existed or didn’t exist??

 

This is my story.  I hope by speaking it will help some to more fully understand the absolute and complete despair that one must be in to reach a point of no return, no hope, wanting no more than nothingness…to end the pain…to be gone from here.

 

I honestly cannot say when, what I call, the bad thoughts began but I know they were very present by my early teens.  Of course no one knew, who would I tell in the early 1970s when – compared to today – nothing was mentioned publicly about mental illness or feeling like you couldn’t take it anymore and just wanted to find a way out??  Knowing inside that somehow you didn’t think the way others did and that the constant feeling of defeat and sadness was beyond hard to overcome at times, and at times, I lost the courage to keep fighting and gave in to those thoughts of just being gone, of it all just ending.  If anything in those days, someone’s crazy aunt was sent away for “others” to take care of; an institution with no rehabilitation available.  My down times came in spurts but when those down times set in, I began what ended up being a decades-long quest to find out what was “wrong” with me and why I could not achieve what I perceived as “normal”.  I knew others didn’t hide inside unable to move from the couch, crying and/or sleeping for long, long periods – days.  I knew others didn’t hide behind closed blinds, isolating, but instead lived life.  I once did not know how to live life, not the happy lives I observed others enjoying.  I once had no enjoyment of life or the many blessings given each day – for many years I saw through eyes that lied to me about what I was seeing and feeling.  I knew others could enjoy life and have true fun.  At best I faked it and I don’t think I succeeded at all times but I did fool many for a very long time.  I lived behind masks to hide the pain and truth of what was going on in my head.  I did not know for many years that the periods of what I deemed “calm” (read: not suicidal) were actually my mania in full bloom.  At these times, life was GOOD!

 

In depression, I remember the sheer helplessness I felt.  Everything was bad or wrong; there was nothing “right” going in my life – despite in my adult years having a beautiful son and loving friends, a good job – what many would deem a successful life, at least looking from the outside in.  Inside, I could in no way find belief in the words of friends and family who said they cared – if they only knew how I talked them down in my head many people through my life would be surprised that what they saw on the outside very often did not match what was going on inside.  One of the aspects of sliding down that slippery path which could end in suicide is the relentless voice in your head that will not SHUT UP!!  That terrible voice that speaks only negativity, of your worthlessness, how others only pretend to like you or enjoy your company – everyone lies, that’s what my head told me.  The feeling of being stuck and that “things” would never improve; the absolute helplessness and hopelessness sent me on many a search to find the right way to do “the job” this time.  The truly sad part often leading to suicide is when you start picking apart your life finding each and every hiccup or mistake to validate your thoughts – even bringing things long past up to “prove” you are so bad you do not deserve to breath air any longer – see mind, here’s ALL the proof you need to justify my ending my life.  It’s a lonely downward spiral that unless you are paying close attention to the clues – sometimes verbal, sometimes in action or behavior – you will miss the underlying message and perhaps miss a chance to “hold” someone until they are in a safer, emotionally safer, place.

 

The first time the Calvary of medical professionals arrived to help was at the age of 30 when I found myself waking – very angry and upset –  in the ICU after attempting and coming close to achieving another suicide attempt; in the past I’d just woken at home with none the wiser.  I discovered that the State of Arizona takes these things rather seriously as I was not allowed to go home when released.  No, instead I experienced the first of many psychiatric “holding” (not quite lock-down level) places until “they” feel you are no longer in danger of harming yourself.  The Crisis Stabilization Unit was certainly a lesson in where I did NOT want to ever go again.  “Clients” were required to help around the house and apartments by cleaning or cooking or washing dishes.  Didn’t mind that part; what I minded was that in order to prepare a meal, if a knife was needed you had to check one out.  If you wanted to use a razor, you had to check one out.  If you did not return the sharp instrument you’d checked out in a set time frame, well, let’s just say bathrooms were not sacred spaces in that place!

 

With that experience under my belt, you can bet any suicidal thoughts were kept to myself from there on in, I was not going back there!  It was not till the mid-90s that I knew it was getting really, really bad; unmanageably bad.  I couldn’t shake the negativity, the despair, the pain any longer.  Friends referred me to a therapist who, God bless her, worked hard over more than five years to help me figure out why I could only achieve “better” for an inconsistent period of time before the darkness set in again.  All her work resulted in my going to inpatient treatment in July 2000.  The therapist had not given up so much as said, “Someone needs to watch you and see if they see something that I’m not.”  Please understand, up till this point in my life, I had never sought help unless I was mentally in the pits and thinking, “This time it’s going to happen.”  With professionals looking over me, they began medicating me for depression – that’s what I’d been sent for – and watched.  Upon leaving, I had to get a psychiatrist to continue with this medication-cocktail thing that most mentally ill people need in order to find balance once again.  It’s not a case of, “Here’s a pill.  It will fix you.”

 

The psychiatrist I found blessed me, too.  After a month or so, she looked at me one day and asked if I slept well or something like that.  She’d obtained enough information about me to start putting the pieces together.  At that time in my life I was raising an active son on my own, volunteering 15 – 20 hours a week, building a new advising program for a program at my alma mater (including frequent recruitment trips around the state), and yet this was not enough to make me tired or sleep much.  When the sad times came, oh, I could sleep all right!  I had by this time come to accept that leaving my home was not an option at times and so many a sick day was taken without a physical illness being present.  Don’t know if one can call in saying, “I’m having a mental day,” and it would be taken as being even in the realm of believability as calling in to say you have a cold…or that one would not ruin their career forever if they made such a call.  This psychiatrist put all the information about me together and figured out I was not depressed, I was severely bipolar and getting worse; soon after she placed me on disability.  This diagnosis explained so much.  My irregular moods, the highs and lows (not knowing that I was manic because that seemed a “normal”, productive state to me), most especially how I could seemingly function at times and then just be lost in the mental weeds the next.  I have learned and recovered much over the last decade or more.

 

My last suicidal period/hospitalization occurred almost a decade ago.  In December it will officially be ten years since I’ve taken the slippery slope that far down into darkness.  I have worked very hard over the last fourteen years to find my safe space and to be willing, when the darkness begins to set in, to recognize it quickly and act to protect myself from myself even more quickly.  I have learned that when my mind wants to fixate on the exit plan, I need to reach out as oftentimes others just do not or cannot hear your pleas for help…or even the “hold me now” which could quite seriously mean the difference between life and death.

 

As said, I’ve worked hard to achieve some level of peace of mind today.  I am also a well-medicated, watched-over, stable person today…but it took years and I had to be willing to work to find this place, this blessed place I am today.  I continue, I will continue, to have my swerves off the stable path but overall, compared to the first 50 years of my life, today is good and I am happy.  The very steep emotional mountains and below sea level valleys I’ve survived only serve as proof that I AM a survivor and that today, those highs and lows have become rolling hills that I can handle and manage.

 

I am so tired, so very tired, of people not finding their peace and choosing the exit plan and not the path to lead them back to stability, but I do also understand the mindset that puts one in a place of no return.  When one is sick in the head, their thoughts aren’t on crisis lines and reaching out – their mind is focused on the “how to end it”, not the “how do I save me from me?”  This is why it is necessary if you know someone who is depressed to pay attention to the words and actions of that person as that will clue you in more than anything and if those around us mental folks aren’t paying attention, well, that’s just more proof to us that you neither truly care or understand…even more reason I should leave here because no one will ever get me or understand this deep pain I have no control over.

 

I am willing to speak out for those who cannot.  As humans caring for one another, it is our duty to have at least the bare minimum knowledge of what any mental illness may actually be and to NOT presume based on behavior that you “know” that person’s mind or thoughts or capabilities.  Others have NO RIGHT to determine for me if my actions or reactions are based in my illness or just a real reaction to a situation that I must deal with appropriately while recognizing that I am allowed to feel during the entire process, and some of those feelings may be negative based on the situation.  Don’t presume, read and learn.  Read about depression or any mental illness that you may know you are around so you can be there to assist.  Learn the warning signs as I have known many a depressed person over the years and I have yet, once, heard any of them say, “But I told my friends I hurt…”  Look for the silent signs.  HEAR the silent pleas that come out as, “Life is pretty hard right now” not realizing they may be touching only the tip of their painful iceberg.  If someone starts giving away precious things to them – that’s a clue!!  Please, don’t patronize any mentally ill person by paying lip service only to them.  If you care, learn.  We can only help others when we are properly equipped to do so.

 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number:  1-800-273-8225 or visit: suicidepreventionlifeline.org

 

Veterans Crisis Line:  1-800-273-8255/press 1 or visit: veteranscrisisline.net

 

Both sites will give you information on suicide, signs to look for, how to help.  Please know we are losing 22 veterans a day to suicide, more than the national average – and it has been so for years.  Please pay attention, what’s hidden on the inside is frequently not shown or fully exhibited on the outside.

 

This month and all year, let’s work to get rid of suicide, at the very least reduce the numbers.  Help to get rid of the stigma and perhaps more would be willing to come forward and ask for help.  You be the help they need!  Together we can do this!!

 

 

A Calm State of Panic

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I imagine on some level we all experience this same feeling at some time in our lives; a calm state of panic. We try to be still and to let be and let God and be open to whatever may next greet us on this trail of life. Instead we feel ourselves set adrift on the seas of life with land in sight but no clear sailing as yet to shore. It is during these times that we hope for the best while remaining mindful that things may not have the outcome we pray for so deeply. When in a Calm State of Panic, I think it’s possible that you – the reader – like me, are hanging on emotionally for dear life hoping that nothing tips the precious boat of life we have so carefully crafted. The boat we thought infallible. The boat we built on faith and trust and belief that there would certainly be rough waters along the way but not that we’d capsize – or come close to capsizing…multiple times. The boat all our hopes and dreams rest in. I don’t know about you but I’m tired of the hurricanes and floods; I’d prefer small swells to overcome, thank you!

I try to remember that when I feel set adrift yet again, perhaps lost at sea for a bit, the way home may involve a rough entrance through the waves rushing to the shore before you can disembark and move on. Sometimes the waves are mighty and huge and very intimidating depositing you somewhere you’d never intended to be; perhaps feeling as if one must pick up the pieces, start over and make a life from this point forward. Sometimes under the calm waves lurks a sneaky and hazardous riptide ready to pull you back out to sea, back into the turmoil, the uncertainty. Sometimes you get extremely lucky and the waves are calm and prove to be nothing more than a momentary bit of drama made big only in our heads or a tide so even and calm that one glides to shore. What matters in those moments as you ride to shore is to hold dear the gratitude felt knowing our craft is built with might on our hopes and prayers and dreams and that it is the sturdy craft that survives to shore, no matter what the conditions. It is with strong, unmovable hope and faith that we hold on to our dreams and with prayer that the boat stays together, weather’s all storms, holds us together in love and belief that we will not be abandoned this time around either. It is the knowingness that during the time between leaving the clear ocean and finding abrupt shore that one has no control; there is a greater influence at work and “it” is in charge, not you. It is clear to me that this is the moment when one must enter a Calm State of Panic hoping and praying you arrive safely on shore once again but being aware that it’s a process to get to where one wants to be. There must be trust that the ocean will behave as you hope and pray it will, that no rocks or shoals are found as you head for the comfort and safety and knowingness of land. That the thing that is Greater Than You will guide you and those you love to peace and serenity and comfort and joy.

When our only choice is to let go, we must let go and let be – that is if you don’t want to drive yourself nuts with worry and anxiety over “what could be”. It is now that we must be observant and change course if necessary, to allow the panic but see that it is but a small part of our overall belief that all is well and we are each in the place we are meant to be. Perhaps the ride in will teach us new lessons this time around, who knows? My hope today is that I am open to “what will be” as I have no ability to control outcomes during the ride to land or emotional safety. The sometimes rocky ride to shore we take requires us to be patient, to believe what we see and hear but not buy into the insecurity of the blind and faithless. We must trust that with God’s guidance, the wave ridden to peace will take us not only where we desire to be but where we are meant to be. I want to be one of the mighty and courageous who fight their way to land each and every time and never gives up or flounders at sea. Our only true choice is to live with an open heart, to believe in possibility and trust that whatever the journey, it is the right direction for us and Creator would not lead us where we were not supposed to be at that time.

I don’t know about you but I am tired, extremely, bone-deep-tired of finding my boat put out to sea, waiting and watching to see what tide, what type of tide, will bring me in this time around. Are those storm clouds in the distance or is it my mind playing tricks on me; false evidence appearing real? For me the hard part comes in trusting my instincts while having patience and faith as my craft arrives on shore riding the waves of life along the way. Being tired does not stop the ride; it only makes one dig deeper to find the spark of “I can” that exists in each of us. “This shall not defeat me!” It could be difficult to look back at my boat’s Captain’s Logs and see the long list of past events which have made many arrivals on shore surely not the most easily traversed or the arrival a sure guarantee; it could lead to great discouragement on future attempts. Will I dodge another rough entry or will this landing be a “batten down the hatches” memory – or will I have imagined the worst only to experience a peaceful, enjoyable ride in? It is in my Calm State of Panic that I drop anchor out at sea and determine weather conditions and how I will remove the gap that leaves me emotionally stranded at sea while seeing so clearly the beautiful beach and shore that awaits me. During this time I must “read” the waves and watch the ebb and flow of water/life before I make my ultimate return to land where the panic will subside and I will know where I am, how I am to proceed and to get on with the business of living a full life. I only need be patient and lead with the faith of a child to allow God to do His work in my life and to trust that His work is healing work, loving work – He will see that my preciously-built craft holds together in whatever the conditions may be to the shore and that faith and belief and love will triumph once again! We do not always know exactly where we will land; it’s more of an “I’m aiming here…” (pointing to a general location on a map) situation but where we land is determined by Creator and our next task is to repair and store our vessel for the next ride and be grateful for the gift of solid footing while it lasts. There is but one guarantee; there is no controlling Mother Earth or the weather or even when God and the angels decide to have a romping, roaring time bowling in heaven and it is the fool’s task to make such an attempt.

I have come to learn that the ride in may be rough but with faith and courage, I will walk in the sand on the shore admiring a quiet sunrise or sunset knowing that I – and my place in the world – are secure once again. “Just believe,” are the words ringing in my head and heart at this time! Today I have achieved a cautious Calm (yet aware) State of Panic. I am holding fast to reality in that the weather conditions have not yet been determined for this passage to shore but that once given the weather conditions, I can survive whatever storm or pounding wave that wants to toss me overboard and leave me rolling in the surf. My craft is strong and held together with the love of God and He will see that I stay secure in my sturdy boat of faith and love. I rest in the knowledge that I will come out stronger and wiser with a deeper respect and stronger belief in He That Can, and Will, if I step out of the way and let Him do His work in my life. I cannot fight the weather if I don’t know what weather to fight. My role is to pay attention to the signals around me, to listen when Spirit wants to show me the way; to not reject the direction given me simply because it is the more difficult journey. Patience; God will bring the necessary knowledge in His time; I will not be left to float aimlessly about in doubt but will sail with direction in faith that I am rowing with the movement of the water and not against the tide of life.

Remember, your boat is capable and built of courage and faith and belief and all the things we need to achieve our goals. Your craft is strong and will weather the storms of life – you will know and grow strong and courageous in the love and belief that comes from having stood tall and unafraid of “what may be” because you live in the blessed understanding of knowing “Who Is”. God does not intend you to doubt. He intends you to have full faith and to believe no matter what the conditions that currently surround you may be, you will get through, you will ride the swells, big and small, and comfort and safety and love will find your heart and bring peace upon it again.

You will get there – your craft is strong.

“When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take the step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for us to stand on or we will be taught to fly.”
Patrick Overton

What does FEAR stand for?

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Consider this:  what does FEAR stand for?   False Evidence Appearing Real

I recently took a plane flight. I love flying! Looking down at the earth below has always been an exciting experience for me. What is not so exciting is checking in, navigating the airport and crowds, all the noise. There is much going on in an airport and for anyone it could lead to sensory overload! It does for me. As is my fashion, I make pre-arrangements to protect myself from what I know will be a difficult period for me to pass but it is momentary and I do try to keep that in mind most of all. What I do remember is that this anxiety I experience is really just a brief touch of fear and that I will endure, I will enjoy the ride, I will survive the crowds, the noise, the strangers. The FEAR.

I learned early in therapy that one of the hallmarks of a victim is their belief in FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real. When I heard that acronym used the first time it hit home for me; I let what I believe will overwhelm me, overwhelm me before I even enter a situation! All because my mind is telling me that crowds are pushy and don’t pay attention and aren’t very nice with which to deal. I believe that all the distractions around me will get to me; the noise from this establishments, people conversing on their phones, the beeps and technological noise of today’s world, and sadly, an unrealistic fear that I for some reason won’t make it through TSA – that I’ve done something wrong when logically I know I have done nothing wrong and there is no reason for anyone to take notice of me. Yes, ridiculous, but only when applied to this situation.

Fear can be stifling only because it leads us to be afraid of something we have not yet, often, experienced. My job today is to figure out how – if I no longer care to live in the negativity that is fear – do I escape the false evidence appearing real?

For me, the only escape from fear is to live in the reality of today, accepting life on life’s terms and moving forward despite – in spite of? – the fear I may hold. I do not have to let the fear control me. I need to accept that it is there but I do not need to live in it. Living in reality means doing that which is necessary to “survive” the airport experience so that I can fully enjoy the “vacation” experience!

Truth be told, the biggest fear I lived with was that people would not accept me, would think less of me, if they knew of my bipolar or brain tumor. There are stereotypes attached to those labels that I try my best to live outside of each day! I can honestly testify that having recently begun the process of no longer denying my disabilities, the “false evidence” of what I feared would happen when others found out has proven to be the exact opposite of what I’d dreamed up in mind own mind. I have found loving acceptance and not the bum-rush to the door to get away as fast as anyone could from me! Grateful doesn’t begin to express the feeling of freedom and joy this knowledge gives me.

The thing I find most sad about fear is that fear in itself can disable. It can grab ahold of a heart and clench it so tight that a person is unable to move forward to escape the fear. It can prevent someone from fully living their life. Something as simple as an airport and the brief time one spends in an airport could have prevented me from enjoying a beautiful wedding but more importantly, spending time with my new family and having a great time doing so! The thought that I could have allowed my fear to rule and deny me a wonderful experience drives me to continue to place one foot in front of the other so that I do not stifle, so that fear does not make the decisions. I do.

Have you had a time of fear in your life? Can you remember a time when you allowed false evidence to appear real for you? What did you do to overcome it? How did you step away from the fear and continue moving forward? We all have our stories, it’s when we share them that they lose their power over us.

We All Deserve Love!

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I have been thinking lately about my upbringing and the parents who raised me.  My father was gone most of the time deployed out at sea somewhere and so it was my mother who primarily raised me.  I honestly do not know what it was about me that bothered my mother so but I just didn’t fit into her “ideal” of womanhood (neither size, personality, behavior).  I was labeled by my early teens as the “trouble maker” and the one who always talked back.  I didn’t see myself as a trouble maker nor did I see myself as someone who had the nerve to talk back to a mother such as mine!  But that is how she viewed me and, in the end, it left me feeling unloved and unlovable because my own mother found fault with me, I was imperfect.  I had this message so deeply ingrained in me that it took years to truly overcome those messages of old and move into a bright, happy, secure-in-self-love future.

It’s just so sad that some walk this earth feeling as if no one has ever loved them, truly loved them.  They have lived existences I cannot recognize and wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  Some live in their heads unable to see and feel the love available to them; some just won’t open their eyes to what’s so plainly in from of them.  For whatever reason, it seems to me that it’s easier to deny love than it is to accept love.  Have we become people who choose to question love instead of openly welcoming it?  Have we all somewhere along the lines received the message that we are all defective and not loveable – not deserving of freeing, soul-lifting love??

I was told for many years that my “picker was broken” – meaning that I always chose men who were either not emotionally available or that wanted to use me all the time pretending they loved me – when I was just meeting a need of theirs until they found someone new to use and abuse.  I had so little faith and belief in myself that I subjected myself to bad love.  I did not know the extent to which I’d taken in the words of my youth, “You are not loveable.”  I believed no one would ever love me or truly want me forever in their hearts and the men I dated all seemed to bear out this one simple self-fulfilling prophecy.  You see, that’s what it was, a self-fulfilling prophecy.  When I took in the messages and words of my youth, I took them in completely and truly felt and believed that I didn’t deserve to take up space or breathe air or receive love because I’d been labeled “bad” and that’s just who I was…bad.  “Bad” people don’t deserve love.  While love may have been staring me in the face – I’d deny it just to make sure I maintained that “I wasn’t loveable” message.  In adulthood, I did not “own” the fact that I could define myself any way I wanted; instead I slipped into the old messages and managed my life in a way so that no one, truly, ever had the chance to try to love me.

For someone to carry the message that you aren’t right for this world, you didn’t deserve to be here, just exist but don’t be noticed, don’t draw attention to oneself – it’s hard moving into the adult years believing that you have a future or that there is goodness and grace down the road, if you are only patient.  It’s hard to believe that anything you do is of value or has worth – because if it comes from someone who is worthless, how can their work be worthwhile?  I lived the belief that I was unlovable and thus fulfilled my own prophecy by not finding true love till later in life – after I had found my own self-love and discovered that what I’d been told growing up was just a bunch of bunk!

Inside each and every one of us lays a seed, a spark of belief that if nurtured can result in true self-love and when we realize this, we begin the walk away from falsehoods put in our heads at a time when we knew no better.  Some of us need to seek professionals to lead us to new thoughts and beliefs – sustainable thoughts and beliefs.  Others need to walk the path of self-discovery on their own – uncovering as they are ready the truths that are part of their lives.  Some of those truths aren’t so pretty and our tendency is to run instead of confronting them.  But hang in there, every obstacle you’ve overcome in your life and every obstacle you will face in life IS NOT insurmountable!  Especially when those obstacles are self-created in your own head and not based in the truth of who you truly are!

I beg of you, do not ever allow anyone but yourself to define who you are, what you stand for, what you believe in, what you deserve.  God did not create us to live in fear and pain and the knowledge that we aren’t good enough.  We are all good enough and deserve to be loved as we want to be loved.  It’s worth holding out until you find that unconditional love you may not have yet received in your life – your OWN unconditional love.  Until or unless you love yourself fully, take care of you fully, allow yourself to be loved fully – until you stop fighting the messages in your head – you will live in the place of fear and the sad knowledge that you “don’t deserve love.”  We ALL deserve love; some are just harder to love than others!

Today I let others have their opinion of me because trying to change another’s mind is seriously not my task to do today.  Today my job is to find self-love, self-acceptance and to be ready and open for the next person I can love and who will love me in return.  Today my choice is to not live with old messages that want entrance into my brain to repeat all the negative stuff doled out in my youth.  Today I live in the present and deal with what’s in front of me; the rest is up to God and His “staff” of angels.  Today it’s my job to trust in the process and that I am being led to my highest good.  Today I know I am lovable, not just because I exist but because I know now true love, lasting love, lifetime love.  I could not have achieved this place had I not let go of the belief that I was, heart and soul, unlovable.

WE ARE ALL LOVEABLE!  Know that.  Feel that.  Think on that.  Breathe that in.  It is truth.

We all deserve love!

Part of my own self-love today is recognizing when someone wants to feed me false information about myself – I no longer live on what others think of me.  Who I am, what I am today is based on my beliefs today and not of the past.  No one can define me but myself and this person, me – today – is lovable and deserving of love.  Seek love.  Seek the peace that love provides.  I keep in mind today that my God is a forgiving God and if God is capable of forgiving me, He’s more than capable of forgiving you and taking away the negative thoughts you’ve carried for too long.  Try to give the negativity to God and live a life of belief and love.  You can’t live in grace until you’ve released you inner demons.

 

Love Yourself God's Creation

Meditation Monday

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We will begin today with Meditation Monday:  Breathing my way back into LIFE!

For the first time in perhaps a month or more, I feel like I have returned to planet Earth and can breathe freely, without worry, fear or anxiety.  I have, admittedly, allowed those feelings to take precedence lately.  I needed to find my way back to peace and calm where each breath I take isn’t for the sake of just keeping going but for living fully the life I was meant to live!  I had allowed outside forces to influence my thinking, the directions my feelings were heading – I was giving away all my power and all my energy to others.  Today I proclaim that I am leaving the land of Make-Believe and facing life on life’s terms once again.  I no longer live in the world of “if only” and “what if”.

For the first time in more than a decade I felt and achieved more responsibility than I have undertaken in, well, more than a decade.  I have shared some pieces of myself and will say again that I am medically retired due to severe Bipolar 1 and an inoperable – but benign – brain tumor located in a bit of a tricky spot in my head.  There are other medical conditions that have popped up over the years but these two are my primary “disablers”.  I have spent years learning about my medical issues and have focused much time listening to the message that, basically, my brain no longer functioned correctly and that my “use” to society had ended long ago.  I believed I no longer had anything to contribute and that sad-sack thinking only added to the depression and isolation I put myself through for a very long time.

Almost five years ago a long-time friend offered me an opportunity to volunteer with a Veteran Service Organization, the Ladies Auxiliary VFW.  I admit I was scared; what would these people think if they really knew what was going on inside my head?!  What I found was acceptance of whatever I could give and gratitude for giving of myself as I could and joy that I was part of the working team.  It didn’t matter if it was to show up monthly to help serve the fundraising dinner or even for a monthly meeting where I listened and observed but said very little.  I showed up, that’s what mattered.  I believe most of these women thought me very shy where had you asked anyone who’d known me years ago, they would mostly likely laugh and balk at the idea of Tamela being shy or quiet!  And yet that’s who I’d become, someone who led with fear and forgot to believe that not everyone was out to hurt or harm – or always deliver bad news.

In earlier posts I’ve mentioned “my Sandy”, the woman I credit with helping me learn to live life outside of fear, outside of isolation – to believe in goodness and gratitude and faith and love; to heal my wounds and move from living in yesterday to living in today.  To accept regret and sorrow, to forgive, to move on with the business of living life – to just be and let be.  For me, once I figured out where I might fit best in the auxiliary, I began to put my big toes into a couple of programs and found that old, rusty skills could still be of use and that any talent I once had might not have completely disappeared after all!  Over the last couple of years, as I feel comfortable growing, I have been given the chance to grow and learn and find my passion once again!  Do you know how much that means to someone who believed, truly believed, she had no more usefulness left in her??  I was flawed and broken, never to be repaired.  I have spoken of the various paths I’ve taken in this life of mine, none of which I regret – I am grateful to have arrived at today intact.  My latest passion has afforded me opportunity again and yes, I am grabbing the tail of the tiger and taking the ride of my life – at least the ride of THIS phase of my life!!  I did have to spend some time sorting things out this past year with Sandy but I have taken on a couple of big challenges and can only hope and pray I arrive at this time next year feeling the peace and calm I feel right now.

That’s not to say that from about the end of April to earlier this week my life, to me, seemed up-in-arms and a tad bit out of control – but it is at these times I must acknowledge the deficiencies of my brain and continue to forge ahead anyway, in spite of those issues.  I accept that it will be messy but I’ll get there; I’ll get the task assigned done.  It will most likely be a bumpy ride for those around me while I get done what needs doing but it will be done and at my own personal Type A, perfectionist level.  I knew – had even warned my husband – that I would most likely hit mania very hard and that it would be hard to stop me for some time to come, not till I felt all was done and that I had caught up with all that needed doing.  I know my “triggers” and responsibility is just one of them.  I hold myself at a standard that is beyond ridiculous sometimes but please know it’s me compensating for what I feel I lack on a regular basis.

Today I can say that I feel relaxed.  I feel calm.  I feel at peace once again.  I am breathing at a comfortable rate again.  I survived another round of mania and know that instead of “misbehaving”, as I tend to call it, I handled myself well (for the most part kept the mania focused and task driven) and did what was necessary to get me through with little notice of others outside my personal circle who knew of my personal struggle.  What I remember was owning the “taking care of me” part and knowing that sometimes taking care of oneself means truly being that Persecutor in the Drama Triangle.  Thus you can understand my chuckle a few weeks ago when I opened my daily meditation book and the subject for the day was that life did not have to be difficult!  The closing meditation was, “Today, I will stop struggling so hard.  I will let go of my belief that life has to be hard.  I will replace it with a belief that I can walk this journey in ease and peace.  And sometimes, it can actually be fun.”  Translated for Tamela that means today I can breathe my way through life and not take everything so darn seriously!  I do not need to act as if everything I do in life is a competition with myself to do better than even I expect of me…and that’s a LOT!  Completing a project is a good thing but it is not a life or death thing.

And there will be let downs in life that you cannot prepare for no matter how prepared you believe yourself to be!  But for me, today, if I continue to slowly take that breath, a conscious breath, into me and slowly, consciously, release that breath – I have a chance of surviving till tomorrow and perhaps a few more days after that – without losing my faith in me, in my fellow man, in life in general!  It is when the full realization of the words, “God is large and in charge” come to me and scream the words I need to hear, “calm down, the world is NOT falling apart, HE has me and always will!,” that I find my strength to take that breath I forget to take sometimes, to take the next step that seems so very impossible and hard, to believe in goodness and grace and love and true care and concern; true friendship and intimacy.  I am discovering – hard-headed me that I am – that He does have my back (and many friends to boot!) that help remind me of the comfort of just breathing…of letting go and just breathing.  With each breath I feel myself fill once again with joy and laughter and peace and the ability to say, “I’m not in control…stop trying to control that which you have no control over!”

Today, there is nothing He and I can’t face together – it’s my job to remember what role I play…and I don’t run this planet nor its people!  I am only responsible for me, my actions, my behaviors.  I will focus on that and breathing today.

Ease on down the road, folks, ease on down the road.  This isn’t a rehearsal and there are no do-overs.  My job today is to breathe – and let He Above guide the rest of the path I’m to take!!!