Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”

Matthew 11:28 NLT

Today’s lesson is one that we ALL need!  Every one of us has carried baggage into our relationships and marriages.  Not a single one of us are immune when it comes to things of the past that have hurt us greatly.  Whether we’re talking about things from our childhoods growing up, to past relationships, to things that have even hurt us in our marriages.  There is one thing that they all have in common, though.  They are all in the past!  Each and every one of these events that you are carrying around with you all happened at some point in the past.  There is no changing them and no going back at this point.  We can only go forward!  In order to do so, we have to make peace with things in our past that are haunting us still to this very day.
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As you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him.

Colossians 2:6 NASB

Cindi began this chapter talking about her aunt and uncle.  They have been married for an impressive 53 years!  While things haven’t always been calm for this couple, they have slowed down as they have gotten older and now have the opportunity to literally walk together in their seventies.

In this day and age, families are always on the run.  I know a few years ago I was almost burnt out by the running around that we were doing!   I felt as if I hit the ground running when my eyes would open in the morning.  From rushing to get the children dressed and off to school, followed by rushing to the office where I worked a full day, to then rushing to get my girls from school just to rush to dance practice, followed by finally being able to rush home, help with homework, bath time, and then getting in the bed to do it all over again the next day.  Whew!  I was worn out!  At the time, though, it was my normal routine.  I knew it was wearing on me, but I just did not realize how much at the time.  If we weren’t rushing to dance practice, we were rushing to a church activity as we were involved in SO much with the church, too!  My husband was a Deacon and also a part of the Buildings & Grounds Committee.  I was a member of the choir and Director of an interpretive movement and sign art group at the church.   One would think that with a crazy week like what we had that we would be able to rest on the weekend.  That just wasn’t to be, though, as we had to get things done around the house on Saturday on days that we were not committed to dance rehearsals for an upcoming play or event at church, and while Sunday should have been a day of rest, it was slam packed from the time we got up in the morning.  We would attend Sunday School, the church service, break for lunch, then hurry back for interpretive movement practice, then stay for the church service.  After the evening service we would rush home to make sure all of the homework was done, book bags were packed for the next morning, and get the children baths.  Then we would fall into bed from exhaustion!

Walking together?  Literally?  Back then, who had time!?

But, that is just the point that Cindi and Hugh make in their book and the point that I’m getting at here with this post.  It may not be possible at certain points in our lives to take walks together due to our busy schedules, but if you’re too busy to spend quality time with the ones that you love … then you’re TOO BUSY!  

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Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Ephesians 4:2

Let’s face it.  There are times that our spouses do things that really irk us and tick us off.  When this happens, you have a choice on how you respond.  You could immediately snap back with an attitude, but I can imagine the hard feelings that would come from this AND the fight that is about to develop from your lashing out.  Some people like to clear the air so they can quickly move past it, so addressing it works for them especially if they go into it with a little more of a loving response.  Other times, though, maybe it is better to just extend grace and not mention their shortcomings at all.

That is a hard one!

I’m not suggesting that you should brush something critical under the rug.  Not by any means!  But you truly do have to pick your battles.  Everything that your spouse does is not done to irritate you or annoy you.  Some times things just happen.  Don’t try to analyze the motive behind the actions.  Just realize that they are just as human as YOU are.

As Cindi put it in the book, for every five things that Hugh does that annoys her, she probably does ten things that annoy him!  Often times we do not want to see this in ourselves, but it’s true.  We’re only human, too, and there will be times we irritate our spouses.  That is why it is so important to extend grace in your marriages!  Be quick to extend grace and forgive your spouse, just as you would like your spouse to be quick to extend grace and forgive you.

There are far greater things to exert your energy on in your lives and in your marriage.  Fighting should not be one of them.  Quickly resolve the issue, even if that means overlooking and not commenting on something that irks you.  Take a deep breath in, blow it out, and let all of your anxieties go with it!  Then you’re free to move on humbly to more important issues.

Love never fails, ladies and gentlemen.

Join us tomorrow for … Taking A Walk

For all posts in this series for #write31days, click here.

Buy the book on Amazon: When Couples Walk Together: 31 Days to a Closer Connection

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark,

Jesus got up, left the house and went off

to a solitary place, where he prayed.

Mark 1:35

While it is important to spend time together as a couple, it is also wise to take time away to rejuvenate. Making time for yourself will also enrich your relationships. You will find that giving each other space is a good thing. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

Cindi & Hugh found this truth out in their marriage as well, even allowing the other to travel alone. While traveling solo would not interest me, it worked in their marriage. Cindi was unable to go on the trip due to her speaking engagements, but Hugh really needed this time away due to stresses in his life. This was a wonderful gift that Cindi gave to her husband. My husband and I enjoy taking trips together, so if one were not able to go, we would just postpone the trip until our schedules allowed us to travel together. However, there are other ways that we take time to ourselves while giving each other space. Today we did that very thing.

My husband enjoys tinkering with his classic car. We have a 69 Camaro, and we have been wanting to fix it up for the past few years. We purchased a bunch of parts recently to get him started on the interior, as the exterior is in pretty good shape from when he restored it many years ago. It has been preserved by being kept in our shop for all of these years. My husband and I belong to a classic car club in town, and we are having our annual car show this coming weekend. Our goal is to have this car at the show! In order to do that, he needed to devote time to working on the interior.  We just had a couple’s day Saturday where we went trail riding together on our horses, so Sunday was the perfect day to devote to his car while I devoted time to my writing. We had our much needed time away to rejuvenate, and at the end of the day, we looked forward to reconnecting. He shared the progress he made on the car, and I shared my writing with him. This worked perfectly for us.

While we enjoy the great outdoors together going horseback riding and fishing, I do realize that he will need alone time in the great outdoors as well. Hunting is just not my thing, but he enjoys it. This is something he can do alone and enjoy himself. He will feel the stress relief while sitting in the deer stand waiting on the big one to step out.

I enjoy massages. While that isn’t the same as being alone in the middle of the forest, I enjoy the relaxing atmosphere as I lay there listening to the soft music playing while the stress is worked out of every muscle in my body. The massage therapist is quiet as she works her magic, and I feel like I’m in heaven for that hour that I’m in there. I leave refreshed and rejuvenated.

This works for us. While these are just a few ideas, find what works for your marriage. It’s important to talk to your mate first, though, so they will not feel that time away means time away from them.  Reassure your mate that you are not asking for time away because they’ve done something wrong or something that bugged you. Let them know that you’re not angry with them.  Simply put, you just need time away to recharge your batteries.  Even Jesus needed time away, as stated in the bible verse at the beginning of the post!

Join us tomorrow for … Extending Grace.

Buy the book on Amazon: When Couples Walk Together: 31 Days to a Closer Connection

Previously in this series:

Introduction:  A New Journey

Day One:  Enjoying The Journey

Day Two:  Leaving Self On The Shelf

Day Three:  From Tense To Tender

Day Four:  Praising The Positive

Day Five:  The Power of A Note

… my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer.

Psalm 45:1

We all have bad days.  Things seem to come at us from every angle at times.  Maybe you’ve had a rough day due to coworkers at the office, or perhaps it was the exchange of heated words with your spouse the night before that is still troubling you.  There’s also the feelings that we have when our children are disrespectful or disobey us at times, not to mention harsh words from a friend.  All of this can leave you feeling beat up, unappreciated, unloved, and of little worth and value at the end of the day.  You’ve reached the point to where you’ve just had enough and are about to blow your top!  Maybe women are more prone to this, as Cindi and Hugh point out in their book, due to stifling their anger while they hang on to insults as they feel tension and pressures rising all while dealing with wonderful hormones!  Some times we just lose it and end up spewing venom … but often times it is on the ones we love the most.

What if, in the mist of all of this, you discovered a love note from your spouse?  Would that help you in that critical moment?  I think it would!  Cindi speaks of how she had a really bad day and was losing it fast when she found a rose with a simple note attached that said, “Love you, Wife.”  She really did lose it then, but in a good way.  Tears welled up in her eyes as she felt loved at that very moment.  At a critical point, she was reminded of her worth and value when she needed it the most.

Just think of how your words have power!  Use them to build your loved ones up and remind them often of how much they mean to you.  Use the power of a note to touch their hearts and lives.  It only takes a minute to write sweet and loving words on an index card or a sticky note.  Take the time!  Place the note where they will be sure to find them.  If they are traveling, stick these sweet notes in their luggage so they will find them as they are unpacking.  Or, something that I especially love to do for my daughters, slip a note that says “I love you” in their lunch box.  I have done this on occasion as well when fixing my husband’s lunch for the next day.  It’s a simple thing that can mean so very much to them.  It is worth the extra effort!  I have even slipped little notes inside of his wallet so when he flips it open, there it will be.  I’ve left love notes on the dash of his truck so he’ll find them when he gets ready to go to work, and he has left me sweet little notes as well.  I have found sticky notes on the bathroom mirror reminding me that I’m beautiful.  He has placed notes on my pillow so when I turn the covers back to slip into bed I will find it.  I have also found little notes on the seat of my car as well.  All of these notes are appreciated and mean so much.  He didn’t have to do these things for me, yet he took time out of his day to write these little reminders to me.

Oh the power of a note!

If you’re not sure of what to say, just a simple “I love you” will work!  It ALWAYS works, especially if the person feels your love by your actions and not just lip service!  Or like Shania Twain’s song, “You’re Still The One” … imagine the impact that would have!  After all of these years, you’re still the one I love!

It doesn’t have to be a long, drawn out note where you pour out the content of your heart (although that is always appreciated, too), you can just keep it simple to remind them of your love for them.  It will put a smile on their face and warm their heart!

Join us tomorrow for … Giving Each Other Space. 

Buy the book on Amazon: When Couples Walk Together: 31 Days to a Closer Connection

Previously in this series:

Introduction:  A New Journey

Day One:  Enjoying The Journey

Day Two:  Leaving Self On The Shelf

Day Three:  From Tense To Tender

Day Four:  Praising The Positive

Don’t ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise.

Philippians 4:8 CEV

On day four in their book, Cindi & Hugh talk about things that originally drew them to their mates now bugging them as some time has passed.  For example, Hugh was a deep thinker, taking a while to think on things before he would speak.  Cindi originally appreciated this about Hugh.  However, as time went on, she began to think he was the moodiest person she knew.  Likewise, Hugh originally appreciated how Cindi was able to express herself, but after over 20 years together, there are days that he wishes that she wasn’t quite so vocal about things.

Here is something that I have tried to get us to do here on Light Love Hope.  When you are tempted to go to the negative way of thinking, instead find something positive to focus on.  Also, if things are really bringing you down, turn your focus to your blessings and how grateful you are for those things instead of complaining and staying stuck in that frame of mind.  Is it easy to do?  No, it isn’t.  We want to immediately go to the negatives and things that bother us.  That is why we have to be intentional about this and turn our focus on the positives.

I’m sure you’ve all heard the saying that love is blind.  It was initially when you and your mate got together.  You both were in a state of bliss so much so that nothing seemed to bother you.  You were all dreamy and starry eyed when thinking of, looking at, and being with your mate.  As time went on, though, we started to see a little bit of things here or there that began to annoy us.  Maybe we need to become blind again to those traits and to anything negative that we may tend to focus on about our loved ones.  Let us shift our focus to being open to grace and forgiveness.   What if we all chose to become blind to their faults again?  Instead of focusing on them and beating them over the head with things that aggravate us, why not choose to take a  deep breath and extend grace?  There is good in every one of us.  I truly believe that.  When it seems difficult to find one ounce of goodness, please try looking again.  Instead of dwelling on the negatives, praise the positive!

Let’s take a look at Philippians 4:8 again.  God’s love working through you will allow you to see “the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.”

Join us tomorrow for … The Power of A Note.

Previous days in this series:

Introduction:  A New Journey

Day One:  Enjoying The Journey

Day Two:  Leaving Self On The Shelf

Day Three:  From Tense To Tender

Buy the book on Amazon: When Couples Walk Together: 31 Days to a Closer Connection

A kind answer soothes angry feelings, but harsh words stir them up.

Proverbs 15:1 CEV

Cindi and Hugh began this chapter talking about a date night that Hugh planned, and yet things were certainly not going as planned … for either of them.  When they should have been enjoying their time together, instead they were at odds with each other.

Have you ever had a situation like this?  I know I have, and actually, something similar just happened at our house last night.  We didn’t have a date night planned as in going out to dinner, but instead, we were going out to feed the horses so they would be well satisfied when we decided to go horseback riding later that evening.   The horses normally do great, but on occasion, they will become aggressive at feeding time.  There is a pecking order with the horses, and the lowest one on the totem pole was getting bullied every which way she turned!  No matter where I tried to feed her, the other horses came swarming trying to get her food.  We have five horses, so my anxiety was getting up with trying to keep them away from her so she could get enough to eat while not having any of the horses – or myself – get hurt!  Pretty soon I was aggravated (and mouthy, which is something I am not proud of), and my husband was feeling stress, too, due to how my mood swiftly changed.

Cindi and Hugh ask, “How do you redeem the moment when it looks like everything is quickly going downhill?”

Someone has to be the bigger person and extend grace.  Someone has to try to lighten the situation up and get things going in the right direction.  In situations like these, we have to quickly reverse the situation and go from tense to tender in record time if at all possible.  That is not always easy, though.  What if neither of you want to extend grace at that moment in time?  That’s a tough one!  Admitting that you were at fault is an even harder pill to swallow.

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Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Philippians 2:4

As we discussed yesterday, everyone goes into marriage with their own preconceived ideas of how things should be.  We know what we want in our mates and in our marriages.  We have all of these expectations.  However, disappointment sets in when we realize that our dream marriage just isn’t to be because this is real life and not a fairy tale.   Pretty soon we’re questioning why we got married in the first place because our spouse is not meeting all of our needs.  Maybe we desire a husband that is able to express himself emotionally yet he clams up instead of talking things out as we’d like.  Or, what about our desire for more emotional support with what we’re going through, yet our spouse appears cold and distant instead of caring and compassionate.  At times like this you may have prayed to God asking exactly what He was thinking to allow this union in the first place.  God knows you, and He knows what you need in your mate.  Yet, this is what you get?  How is that even possible?

In the book that Cindi co-wrote with her husband, Hugh, Cindi speaks of how she was having these thoughts and feelings toward her husband.  She complained to the Lord about her husband, and she questioned why God let them get married.  Further, she wanted to know why God wasn’t transforming her husband to be the man that she needed to meet her needs and expectations.  Then it hit her, and she felt as if God was saying to her that maybe, just maybe, He was looking at what her husband needed.

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 Always let him lead you, and he will clear the road for you to follow.

Proverbs 3:6 CEV

Welcome to our 31 days of writing!  The month of October will be devoted to digging into the words within Cindi & Hugh McMenamin’s book “When Couples Walk Together: 31 Days to a Closer Connection.”  I will read one chapter a day and summarize what I’ve gotten out of the chapter and how we can all apply this to our lives and our marriages to make them the best that they can be.  Are you ready to put forth your best effort in reconnecting with your spouse to rekindle the intimacy and companionship?
Are you enjoying the journey?
Cindi & Hugh begin by asking you to acknowledge that your marriage isn’t everything you had hoped and dreamed it would be.  Realize that each of us go into marriage with high expectations, and due to this, we are often times disappointed.  Our marriages are often times NOT like those depicted on the screen in the fairy tale romances where every day is filled with romance, passion, and gushing love.  I know my marriage hasn’t been smooth sailing the entire time that we’ve been together, so I will be the first to admit that I’m a hopeless romantic and my expectations going into the marriage have not been met.

Marriage is much more than the “happily ever after” that we see in the movies.  It’s about enjoying this journey with the individual that is completely different than you.  It’s about enjoying getting through all of this with this one person that you’ve give your heart to and vowed to love, honor, and cherish all the days of your lives.  Yes, even on the hard days!  Even when times are tough, and you feel like you are at your wits end with this individual.  You still have to be committed to them, to your vows, to making this work … and making it LAST!

In this first chapter, they speak of how marriage is a lot like More