Bullying Is NOT Okay!

When We Are The Bully

Shirley Bullying Is NOT Okay!, Meditation Monday 2

I saw a quote this week that really struck me.

The worst bullies you will ever encounter in your life are your own thoughts. ~Bryant McGill

Wow. Think about that for a moment. Really let it sink in as to exactly what that one little sentence has to offer. Consider the powerful punch within those few words.

It’s the truth, though, isn’t it?

You wouldn’t speak those words to a valued friend, now would you? Why, then, do you put yourself through this torture? Why do you mentally assault your own self while looking in the mirror? Why do you play a situation from the past over repeatedly in your mind as you beat yourself up over things you “shoulda, coulda, woulda” done differently? The past is the past, dear heart. There is no “do-over” or “un-do” button in real life. BUT, there is forgiveness and grace! You so freely extend this to others. Why won’t you consider extending it to yourself?!

You don’t deserve the harsh words spoken over you – not from any one on the outside – and not from yourself. We ALL make mistakes. Some make huge mistakes, some little ones, but they are all an opportunity to learn and grow.

Don’t use the past as a weapon! Use it as a lesson, instead.

Ask yourself what you gained from that experience? Focus on the positives … and yes, there are positives in every situation, you just have to search long and hard for them at times.

But go gently on yourselves. That’s the hard part, I know.

When we are the bully, we have a negative internal dialogue going with words such as these (and worse!):

Why did you have to be so stupid?

You’re an idiot!

You always mess things up!

How could you do something like that?

You are a horrible person!

Consider going to the mirror after reading this and looking yourself in the eyes. Take a good, long look at yourself but not with condemning eyes. Instead, look at yourself as if you were looking at a child … because YOU ARE!

You, my dear one, you are a child of GOD!

You are so hard on yourself and beat yourself up constantly, but you know what? God has already forgiven you! Now you have the hard task of forgiving yourself. It is possible, although I know it’s not an easy task. You’re filled with remorse and the all too familiar and overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, and regret.

It’s time to let it go, friend. Let it go.

Is it easy? No.

Is it possible? Yes!!!!

With God’s help, anything is possible.

Will you consider going to God in prayer and asking Him to release you from the burden that you carry around with you? Will you ask Him for strength so that you do not make the same mistakes again in life? Will you honor Him, your family, friends, and yourself by learning from your mistakes and by extending the same grace you would to others now to yourself? He will help you. He will walk beside you every step of the way reassuring you that you are His creation, His child, and you are loved so deeply, so unconditionally – more than you will ever know in this lifetime!

If you will only forgive yourself …

Are you ready to begin again?

Put an end to bulling today. Start with the person you see every day when you look in the mirror.

Accepting A Compliment

Shirley Bullying Is NOT Okay!, My Story 0

Do you have trouble accepting a compliment? Do you say, “Thank you” as you blush and turn away? Or, do you toss your hair over your shoulder as you strut your stuff as if to say, “Tell me something I don’t know!”? OR … are you simply unable to accept a genuine compliment, and therefore, when you receive one, you respond with something like this exchange: “You’re so pretty!” “Aww, thank you, but I wish I could lose some weight” … or …”I wish my skin was clearer?” or any other response that would take away from the compliment that was given?

If you’re uncomfortable with compliments, ask yourself why this is. Do a little soul searching, if you must, to dig deep down to uncover what the root cause is exactly.

For me, I was told for too many years growing up that I had “buck teeth.” I was also picked on a great deal because I was the shortest person in the class. I was always petite, too, and thus, I was more prone to bullying due to my size.

Later in life, I was in a relationship with someone that abused me every chance they got. Abuse does not necessarily have to come in the form of physical abuse with strikes to your physical being for the strikes to you mentally and emotionally hurt some times greater and for an extended period of time. Unlike physical abuse where the bruises fade and wounds heal, the scars of emotional abuse linger for years and years after those harsh words were spoken.

In my adult life, at the hands of an abuser, I was told that I was fat, ugly, a b____ from h___ and that no one would ever want me if they left me. Now, when they first started saying these things to me, I could not understand why they were being so mean to me. I would look in the mirror and say that although I knew I didn’t have the figure of a super model, I certainly wasn’t fat. I knew that I wasn’t the most prettiest woman in the world, but I knew I wasn’t the ugliest either. I knew that at certain times of the month we all can turn into the wicked witch (thank you PMS!), but I most certainly was NOT a b___ from h___. The last thing that they would say to me repeatedly really left me wondering what was so wrong with me that this person would say all of these mean and hateful things, but then to say that no one would ever want me? As if I was lucky that THEY wanted me … and that I should be thankful that they hadn’t yet kicked me to the curb. It was as if they thought they were God’s gift to me, and I should worship the ground they walked on simply because they took me in when no one would or could possibly EVER want me.

Ummmmm … no!

For way too many years than I want to admit, I did buy into these lies. When you hear something long enough, no matter how sure of yourself you can try to be, the abuser chips away at your self esteem and your self worth. Slowly but surely more of your insecurities will start to creep in, and before you know it, you’re standing in front of the mirror analyzing every little thing about yourself and finding fault with yourself!

WHY do we DO this to ourselves?!

In a world where so many people are waiting to tear us down every single chance they get, the ONE person that should love us is OURSELVES! Are we perfect? No, we all have flaws. Do we deserve to be torn down? Absolutely NOT!

For abusers, I can only imagine that they do not have a good or high opinion of themselves if they look to tear other people down. Do they think it makes them bigger and badder or more appealing when they tear at another person’s self esteem? Do they think it makes them “the man” or “the woman” because they say such mean and hateful things to others? They certainly are not in my book!

All of these things and more can lead a person to not graciously accept a compliment when one is offered. I know I have friends that have recognized this with me through the years, and they know what I’ve been through. They have tried everything to help build me up when the abuser took great pride in tearing me down. As years have passed, I have come to realize that there wasn’t anything wrong with me all of those times that this person launched their assaults on me. There was something deeply wrong going on inside of them that caused them to lash out as they did. I can only pray for them and that they find peace within for the demons that torment them.

I have realized that the only person that I truly need acceptance from is God, and I already have His approval. Does it feel good when someone acknowledges that I got my hair done or that my nails are freshly manicured and look nice with the color that I’ve chosen? Yes, it does! Does it feel good when someone compliments my blue eyes saying that they are beautiful and that they get swept up in these deep pools of blue? Yes, I appreciate that they recognize the assets that God has given to me, and I do consider my eyes to be one of my greatest assets … but I recognize also that my beauty or any one’s true beauty does not come from the outside … it comes from inside. That is where it truly matters.

These days I still remember what the abuser used to say to me, but those words no longer have the power over me that they did at one point. Praise God for that! I have been able to see the hurt that this person carried around inside of them, and I have been able to pray for them. I have also been able to forgive them for what all they did to me. It has taken time, but today I am free from the grip that these words once had on me. Those words no longer rip my heart out when they are spoken because I know who I am. I am a child of God, and I am not only greatly approved but deeply loved by Him.

When someone compliments me now, I do tend to blush, but I will say a gracious, “Thank you” as I smile. And it is a thank you straight from my heart with much appreciation and grace.

When You Are Too Nice

Shirley Bullying Is NOT Okay! 2

I never thought it was possible to be “too nice” … until now.

I’m the girl that gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. I try to find the good in every body, and I give chance after chance after chance for a person to do the right thing and show me respect in return. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for someone to be nice to me just as I am nice to them, but the thing I’m learning is that not everyone plays by these rules. Instead, they seem to prey on nice people. When you are “too nice,” people view this as a weakness instead of one of the greatest strengths! It seems that the nicer you are, the more people want to take advantage of you.

I have been in numerous situations throughout my life where I give so much of myself, and instead of appreciating me, they use my niceness against me. They begin to push me to give more of myself and more to them. Pretty soon, they are trying to push me around. I am at fault because I allow it to a certain degree before I’ll finally get enough and put a stop to it.

I’ve worked with employers and supervisors that started out fine, but they soon realized that the more they asked of me, the more I’d willingly give. Then, instead of appreciating that I was a hard worker, they put more pressure on me and started asking things of me that they were not asking of other employees. I knew I was being paid to do a job, but resentment started building when I was carrying the workload of three people while slackers in the office bragged about how lazy they were to anyone that would listen. It seemed that the more efficient I was, the more work they threw at me. I didn’t get a “thank you” for a job well done, all I received was more work piled on me while the slackers continued to do what they do best; slack off. I worked there for many years, and finally I left because I was clearly being taken advantage of. You know what’s funny? When I left, they hired two more people to do the job that I was doing, so I was not exaggerating when I said I was doing the work of three people.

Recently, I had a situation where I was paying someone for a service. It started out great, but as time went by, this person started disrespecting me in the way that they would speak to me. It wasn’t the same type of situation as above, as I was not piling any work on them. They were willingly doing this service for my family, and they set their own schedule and their own price. I was as easy going as I could be, but apparently, I was “too nice” to the point that they thought they could disrespect me, talk down to me, etc. because that is what they started doing. It wasn’t a one time thing, either. It was something that happened every single time we had any interaction, whether it was in person or through text messages or private messages. It seemed that this person really thought they were the authority figure on everything (also known as a “know it all”). They came across in such a way that they really were talking down to me every chance they got. It is hard for me to understand why someone would do that to another. I could see if I went up against this person constantly, but I did not. If this person said they needed for us to get supplies, we went right away to get them. If the person said it would be best to do it this way, we did it that way. We were as cooperative as we could possibly be and listened to them as they were the expert in this field, and we, merely beginners. However, just because we were beginners did not mean that we did not deserve respect. We did, and we do. I felt this person lacked respect for me, though, and it was obvious in the way that they spoke to me as they did not speak to my husband this way. He was not able to be present for all of our exchanges, though, and so the disrespect continued to increase because they knew they were primarily dealing with me.

When this first started happening, I tried to reason it away in my mind. Maybe this person didn’t realize how they were coming across, or maybe they didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Then it happened again. Each time it happened, though, it was more obvious to me that they did intend every bit of the way it came across and how it sounded. They intended to let me know that they were the authority and they were in charge. The thing is, I was paying them, and the services were at my house. So, this person was on MY property disrespecting ME, and I was paying them to do so!

Yea, that did NOT sit well with me at all.

I thought things would get better if we just stopped texting and sending private messages, as you cannot tell a person’s true tone with words on a computer screen although they seemed argumentative in every single one of their messages to me. However, it was not any better when I’d speak to them in person.

This is where I struggle because we’re taught as Christians to turn the other cheek. We’re taught to rise above and treat people the way we would want to be treated. We’re taught to forgive, but in doing so, are you to continue to put yourself in the line of fire? Here is the problem I am having. If someone continues to do this to you, if every interaction with them is laced with disrespect toward you, or if someone is bullying you, are you to continue to accept this treatment? I do not think that God intends for us to continue in the line of fire all because we’re Christians and ultimately, “too nice” to the point that people take advantage of us. Yes, I can turn the other cheek … but exactly how many times must I turn it for them to slap the other cheek after they’ve already reddened this one? Yes, I can rise above the situation and treat the person as I’d want to be treated, but because I’m “too nice” again they view it as me being a push over because they continue to mistreat me and yet here I am not only allowing it but making it easier for them to show me more disrespect because I haven’t stood up to them! Instead, I’m almost enabling them by allowing the mistreatment by being super nice to them when that is actually the way I’d like to be treated by them … but it will never happen! And Yes, I can forgive, but again, forgiving does not mean that I have to allow this behavior to continue! Even as Christians, we have the right to be respected and to be treated with respect!

I’ve had people tell me that I lack boundaries, and that is why this type of thing occurs. No, I don’t think that is the problem because I can put boundaries in place with people and often do when they continue to treat me this way. I will either quit the job and move on to a much better place of employment where they treat me better and value me as an employee in an environment that is stress-free (thank God for that), or I will dismiss the person that was performing a service for me if I’m paying them well and doing everything they ask of me and yet they disrespect me and continue to treat me in this fashion. I can put boundaries in place, but my point in this is that if people would just respect you and show that respect, those boundaries would not be needed in the first place. Why, then, is it so hard for people to show respect to each other? It truly isn’t that hard to do. I understand that respect has to be earned. But, I have done nothing for the person to disrespect me. I have paid on time for their services, often tipping them as well. So, it’s not as if they aren’t getting paid and paid well, too, I might add. It isn’t that I’m working them too hard or expecting too much of them either, as they set their own time, hours, and duties pretty much. I don’t stand over them or ask more of them than is expected either.

Often times it seems as if people view “nice” people as weak individuals. Why is niceness perceived as a weakness? It is one of the biggest strengths a person has, and honestly the world would be a better place if we HAD more nice people around! It would be wonderful, though, if others would not take advantage of a nice person.

If any readers out there have advice on how to be nice and yet not be taken advantage of, or how to remain nice and not be talked down to, I’d love to hear your thoughts. I’ve had people tell me to my face that I’m “too nice” and so, I read a book on the topic as well. It was more along the lines of learning to say “no” to people … that’s not my problem, though. I can say no. I read another book for Christians, but this one was more for setting boundaries and how it was okay for Christians to do so. However, boundaries aren’t the issue as I can set boundaries. The problem is when people view my niceness as a weakness, and I’m not sure what I’m doing to come across in this way to others.

I still say that if people would just have respect for others, there wouldn’t be an issue of the “nice” person asking where they went wrong for someone to mistreat them, talk down to them, etc. The nice person would not walk away feeling taken advantage of or as if they had little value in this world. They would not feel highly disrespected, either!

Respect … it’s not so hard to give to another! Yes, even to a person that is “too nice.”

Remove The Labels & Put An End To Bullying!

Shirley Bullying Is NOT Okay! 6

Bullying is every where in this day and age, but that does NOT mean that it is acceptable behavior. I hope that this world does not ever get to where it accepts bullying as the norm. It’s not! Bullying says more about the person DOING it than it does about the one that is on the receiving end of it.

Words HURT! There are some people that enjoy seeing the reactions of people when they call them names or make hateful comments to them. I will never understand why people do this to others.More

Face To Face With A Bully

Shirley Bullying Is NOT Okay!, Food For Thought 0

This mother’s heart shattered today as she watched her daughter being picked on and bullied right before her very eyes. It all happened so fast, and yet the sting of it all lingers long after. And I find myself asking, “Why?!”

It was a beautiful day today with temperatures in the upper 70s and even reaching 80 at one point, which is unusual for December! We decided to take advantage of the warmth of the sunlight and take a leisurely stroll through our local gardens. We soaked in the sunshine and basked in the beauty that surrounded us. Although the roses and azaleas weren’t in bloom, there were a few trees that offered beautiful blooms while others displayed bright red berries. The wind blew the moss in the trees hanging overhead as I snapped picture after picture of my beautiful girls. As we were wrapping up our glorious day, there he stood … the bully. I came face to face with a bully … with my innocent daughter as his target!

He was my daughter’s age or maybe even a little older, but he was certainly old enough to know the damage that his words would cause. My daughter was standing just a few feet from us, innocently tossing bread to the ducks and geese, then turned to walk down the path that would lead her to us. We were walking toward her when he reached her before we were able to, and as he walked past her, he uttered the words that cut my little girl to the core. He said, “You are u-g-l-y.” It happened so fast that we questioned if we had heard him correctly at first. Then when I saw the look of overwhelming hurt on my daughter’s face, it confirmed what was said. In that moment, my heart wanted to gather her into my arms and hold her, comfort her, offer reassurance and tremendous love to ease her hurting heart … and I did … but not before I confronted the bully!

As he walked past after throwing a dagger deep within my daughter’s heart, he smirked at his friend that was walking near him, and then his eyes met mine. His eyes met that of a mother bear protecting her cub. I maintained my composure while asking him exactly what he had said to her. He, of course, did not want to own up to what he said at that point, but I knew my ears did not deceive me. My daughter still stood in the same spot where the verbal assault was launched at her. She did not move. She had this look on her face still, and I knew that this bully was NOT getting away with what he had done to my innocent daughter. She was minding her own business just enjoying being nine years old feeding the geese, and he said such hateful words to her.

I looked this bully square in the face, and I told him that he needed to apologize to her right that minute. He looked at me as if he wanted to laugh. I told him that I was her mother, and I did NOT appreciate what he said at all and that he needed to apologize to her! He looked at me for a moment, then went back over to where my daughter stood. I told him to look her in the eyes and tell her how sorry he was for what he had said to her. Much to my surprise, he did offer a less than sincere apology to her, to which I responded by telling him that he needed to apologize and MEAN it that time. I thought for a minute that he had learned his lesson as he said he was sorry one more time, walking past my husband to reach her. When he finished his apology, he then went to walk past me at that point, and he said, “I apologized, but she is kind of …” THE NERVE of him! I did not allow him to continue before I cut him off by telling him that bullying another person is NOT cool and does not make him look very good in the eyes of other people. I further explained, with his parents coming toward us and my husband obviously speechless, that it is NEVER cool and NEVER okay to put another human being down like that – EVER – and that there was no reason for him to say such hateful things. I went on to say that maybe next time he would think about what all I said so that he would never assault someone in this manner again with his words. His parents walked past never saying a word, and I gathered my sweet daughter into my arms as I offered reassurance for her broken heart.

I began by telling my daughter how beautiful she truly is and that she is a child of God! He formed her with His very hands – she is beautiful on the inside as well as on the outside – she is HIS child and she is perfect in the eyes of God … and in MY eyes as well! I offered words to speak to her little heart and hoped to erase the sting of his words. I know the damage had already been done, and all I could do at that point was to offer my words, prayers, and all of my love to her.

My darling daughter was bullied right before my eyes, within just a few feet from where I stood. How could this be? I am supposed to protect her and shelter her. And yet, he launched his assault on her. There is no reason in this world to EVER do that to someone. It baffles me, and I struggle to find the words … it is beyond comprehension as to why any one would want to hurt another in this fashion. I know the world is full of mean, hateful and cruel people. I know that people are just evil at times. I just do not understand what they hope to accomplish by being this way. Why set out to crush another person’s spirit with such words?! I will never understand that! The sad part is that my daughter may not remember any of the good things that people have said about her as she may instead focus on the negative … I pray that does not happen, but I know that hateful and hurtful words spoken do leave scars long after the moment has passed. I have been bullied throughout life – as a child and as an adult. It hurts to our core, and there is absolutely no reason for any one to ever inflict this type of hurt upon another. And if a bully is not confronted, they will continue to bully others … thus turning childhood bullies into adults that bully on the job, as I have also encountered. I say again, I just do not understand what goes through a person’s mind and why they would intentionally try to hurt another person. My daughter was not doing a single thing in the world to him or any one else for that matter. She was minding her own business, basking in the sunlight and finding pure joy in feeding the geese … she was skipping and running through the park up until that point, free as a bird … enjoying life … and then as she stood at the end of the path, this happened.

Oh dear God, please help this generation. Please stop the bullying. Please stop the mean and hateful things that are said to others. Please reach down Your mighty hand and protect the innocent from this type of treatment. Please protect my daughter’s heart and all of the other innocent and pure hearts out there like her so that this type of thing does not continue to happen.

I know that we live in a fallen world. I know that there is such evilness in the world, and again, it is just beyond my comprehension as to why this occurred in the first place. When we can CHOOSE to build someone up, why wouldn’t we all … instead of CHOOSING to tear them down? Why? He could have very easily chosen to build her up as he walked by, to compliment her or even to smile at her. OR He could have chosen to just keep his mouth shut if he didn’t have anything nice to say. Yet he chose to say such hurtful things to her. His goal was to injure.

I know, too, that if a child is in front of another child, they will try to impress their friend by saying such hateful things also. I understand, too, that if a boy likes a girl, he will do such foolishness as well. It makes no sense at all for this to happen, but boys are just wired differently from what I’ve been told. BUT … this reasoning does little to comfort my daughter or her mother’s aching heart.

My daughter has long recovered, or she appears to have brushed this off after taking another stroll and going to get a special treat. It is her mother’s heart that is still devastated and shattered over the events of earlier this afternoon. It is her mother that sits here wondering how any one could be so mean to such a precious child, yes, even another child. It makes me wonder what this little boy has endured up to this point to make him the way he is. I wonder what he has been taught or what he has witnessed for him to behave in this manner. I wonder if his parents, having heard what took place and yet not saying a word, have encouraged this type of behavior. I would hate to think so, but you just never know what takes place in another person’s home or in their family lives to instill this type of behavior.

What matters at this point is that my daughter saw the mother bear in me come out, and she saw me try to right the wrong that occurred to her in this situation. She saw that he had to apologize to her, twice. She saw that I would not stand for ANY one mistreating her if I had any thing to say about it. She saw how fast I would swoop down to defend her and protect her. She felt me wrap her in my love as I reassured her and tried to undo the damage done by his words. What matters most is that my daughter does not appear to be permanently scarred at this point, and I pray that God will wipe this memory from her so that it does not taunt her or torment her long after the moment is gone, as it has for her mother.

Parents, please, teach your children that it is NOT cool to bully another. If you see any thing of the sort taking place, please take the offender aside immediately to address what took place and let them know that what happened was NOT okay at all. Have them apologize, if at all possible, although in this case, he sought to injure me with his final words after his apology, and as much as I tried not to allow it to, it did. Again, I ask what has happened in this child’s life for him to be going in this direction at such an early age. It saddens me greatly.

Bullying is NOT okay. It is never okay to bully another human being. Ever!

All I can do now is pray – pray for the little boy that acted in this manner today, pray that God would change his heart and his ways, pray that I was able to reach him today with my words so that he will think twice before he ever tries to intentionally inflict pain on another with his verbal assaults again. And I pray for peace for my daughter’s heart … and for mine. I pray that God will wrap my daughter securely in His loving arms and protect her … that she will have the armor of God on and nothing will be able to pierce the armor or her fragile heart.

Please join me in praying for the world that we live in. Please help me pray for children so they are not so mean and cruel to each other. Please pray that people will choose to build others up with their words instead of trying to tear them down. Please pray for their hearts to be changed and for God to convict them to run from their wicked ways.

Please pray.

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Light, Love, Hope

Light in the Darkness Surrounded by Love with Hope for those in need.