Once upon a time, a tiny teacup Yorkie entered my life and became the center of my world.

It was October 2011, to be exact, when we ventured to another town to see the little puppy that would become my Baby.  I’ll never forget visiting with her and her brother, because the two were complete opposites.  My youngest daughter was with us that day, at seven years old, and she was drawn to a rambunctious little boy.  This little guy was running all over the living room keeping her entertained.  Meanwhile, the little girl was shying away from all of the activities and hiding behind the leg of the chair.  Pretty soon she made her way behind the couch, and I went to retrieve her.  She was so timid and wanted to hide away from everyone and everything, it seemed, at that moment.  My daughter continued chasing the little boy around the room, while I picked up this little darling and held her close to me.  She had stolen my heart in that short amount of time, and she has had my heart ever since.

On the ride home that day, Baby decided it would be fun to climb on me, and before too long, she was perched on my shoulder almost like a parrot!  She was too funny when she would do this.  This soon became her favorite place to be, it seemed.

I held Baby close to my heart the rest of the way home, and I think that sealed the bond between us.  From that moment on, I was her mama, and she was my sweet little baby girl.  While my youngest daughter was sad that we didn’t take the wild one home with us, she soon realized that this shy baby girl could get wound up all on her own when the notion struck her.

My oldest daughter was thrilled by this little baby from the moment she returned home and set eyes on her.  Baby was such a fitting name for her.  We carried her around like a little baby, and we played dress up with her.

Because Baby was so tiny, we had to watch her closely so that her blood sugar levels didn’t drop.  I remember running home on my lunch break to give her some special medicine to help her.

Baby slept next to a Big Ben clock, as the ticking reminder her of her mother’s heartbeat.  We had little stuffed animals with her, but she was so tiny in comparison to them.

Pretty soon, Baby was entertaining the entire household with how she would turn into the Tasmanian Devil when the notion would strike her.  She would twirl around and bark, turn back around the opposite direction and bark some more.  She had a white and red little puppy dog stuffed animal that she would take in her mouth and shake.  Then she would jump around some more while making the cutest growling sound.

Everyone loved Baby!  Except the groomers … ha!  There was this one time that Baby bit one of the groomers when they attempted to touch her feet.  From then on, the groomer decided to let someone else handle Baby when she would come in for a spa day.   It was amazing to me how a huge adult could be so afraid of this little two pound dog.  What was even funnier was that Baby never did this to me.  I would purposely hold her little paw in my hand and rub it with my fingers.  Although she would get this look on her face and draw her head back, she never bit me!

The vet loved to see her coming, as she was just a little tiny thing, and all of the ladies in the office were ohhing and ahhing over her.  Baby didn’t like anyone else messing with her, and it was obvious when the vet tech would take her to administer shots and check her weight.  She would often bark and pitch such a fit until she was back in my arms again.  They laughed and said she certainly wanted her mama!

I was so crazy about this little girl that I took her for a photo shoot also.  I liked her hair longer, although I could never let it completely grow out where it would touch the ground.  She would take her little paw and rub her eyes with it, and I knew she didn’t like much being in her face so I kept her cut short after her “glamour” shots were taken.

While Baby didn’t like to be messed with, except for on her terms, she would bark to let us know when she was ready for attention.  It could be quiet in the entire house, then all of a sudden, we would hear the sweetest little bark from the other room.  We would run to get her, and she would snuggle down in the blanket.  She didn’t like being held, but she was happy being close and snuggled up between my knees in her blankie.

Baby had a keen sense of smell, too.  We would sit down to eat supper, and shortly thereafter, we would hear a bark from the other room.  She knew it was supper time, and she wanted some of what we were having.  Without fail, I would save a portion of my meal to share with Baby and her sister (Trixie) and brother (Shadow).  I would not feel right if I didn’t share with them.

A nightly bedtime ritual, which my husband hated, was for me to say, “Everyone’s getting in the bed!”  Baby and Trixie would scurry to my room as fast as their little feet would take them.  They wanted to lay with me for just a little while before being taken to their very own bed where they would sleep at night.  I loved cupping my hand, and Baby snuggling right into it.  That is when she didn’t mind being close, and she would let me draw her near to my chest.

Baby liked her little “hidey hole” and it was a wonder she could even breathe tucked down inside her blanket or curled up on the very edge of her bed.  She was always cold, and so we would buy her little outfits to keep her warm.  Even the extra small was too big for her at times.  Oh how we loved dressing this little girl up!

When Baby was three years old, we gave her a sister, Trixie.  Baby did NOT appreciate this one bit, as Trixie was now her roommate.  Baby barely tolerated humans at this point, and yet we placed her with a very active sibling.  Ha!  She would growl at Trixie to let her know to stay on her side, but pretty soon, Trixie won Baby over.  You’d find them snuggled together in her older years.

The year 2021 brought Baby fame, as my oldest daughter created a Tic Tok channel for her.  My daughter would make videos of Baby, and we would laugh at her antics.

Yorkies are known for their eye problems, and unfortunately, the newest vet said that Yorkies also are predisposed to gum disease.  Her entire jaw disintegrated.  My oldest daughter thought it was due to Baby mistaking a fidget spinner for a snack, which made her lose a tooth.  But it wasn’t my daughter’s fault at all.  Unfortunately, it was just something that happens with this breed.  Sadly, Baby lost several teeth, and the remaining ones had to be pulled by the vet to ensure she did not get an infection.  Although my husband didn’t always act like he was a big fan, we knew he loved her, too, as he made sure that Baby had lubricating eye drops or ointment daily, even though she lost her vision anyway over time.  Baby would still get around good in her surroundings despite the loss of vision, as she relied heavily on her sense of smell as well as her hearing, which was still in good shape!  We could call her, and she would use her nose to find her way to us, if we didn’t get to her first.  Baby ate good, too, even without teeth, as we made sure to break apart tiny pieces for Baby to eat.  She loved chicken, ham, and bacon, especially.  My husband gave her breakfast every morning like this, and we gave her dinner in the evenings.  Baby did just fine and adapted to her health conditions, although it sounds horrible when you read these words.

Baby has given us a lot of joy, happiness, and love!  We have made wonderful memories with her through the years.  We joked that she only tolerated humans in her older years especially, but oh how she loved her mama!

The lifespan of a teacup Yorkie is only seven to nine years due to their tiny organs, but honestly, the first vet we took Baby to didn’t give her that long.  He kept stressing to us on every visit that she had tiny organs, and he said she wouldn’t live but just a few years.   Thankfully, he was wrong!  Baby has been entertaining and loving us for almost ten years.  Sadly, though, she will not see her 10th birthday on July 31st, as Baby’s health has declined recently.  This breaks our hearts!

Yesterday the entire family was there taking turns holding and loving on Baby.  She means so much to us all, and it is just so sad that dogs cannot live forever!  While I know that her memory and love will live on in our hearts, it is sad to think of a world without our Baby.   Please pray that if the end is near that she will go quickly and will not linger nor be in any pain.  And please pray for our hearts, as they have been shattered as we watch our little Baby fade away.  Tears seem to never end and fall from our eyes as our hearts break.  Holding her frail body and cuddling with Baby yesterday felt just like I was losing a piece of my soul with each ragged breath she took …

Forever in our hearts … until we meet again … We love you so much, and you have been the best little girl ever!  We are so thankful that you held on as long as you did for us, and thank you for letting us love on you and cuddle with you.  There will never ever be anyone that could ever take your place, and please know that you are taking a huge part of your mama’s heart with you.

While only weighing in at two pounds, you sure gave a ton of pure love that we will carry with us throughout life.  We love you, Teeta (which started off as Sweetest Little Girl In The Whole World and got shortened with us playing around and joking), Teeta Weez, Dah-den, La-weez, Beba-beba-beba, Weezy girl, Deenie, Rodent-Elizabe … Teeta-little-weez … forever our Baby girl!

If love alone could have saved you …

Two friends suffered the loss of their adult children by suicide; one in December, right before Christmas, and the other at the beginning of January.   Both families are still distraught as they try to make sense of this, when no one can comprehend the amount of despair these young adults were feeling to have resorted to such extremes. The family is left feeling such extreme grief that is unlike any other grief.  It feels as if someone has ripped your heart completely out of your chest and then slammed it down on the concrete as five thousand semi trucks continue to run over it.  Yes, that is the extreme pain families feel after a loss such as this.  Sadly, I experienced this when we lost my sister to suicide in 2001.

At a time like this, there isn’t much comfort you can offer the families, other than the knowledge that you are there for them.  Please, continue to rally around them long after the funeral is over.  In the weeks, months, and years to come, that is when they truly need you the most.  They feel numb at times, then a wave of grief knocks them over and they feel like they are drowning all over again in the sea of a million questions that scream at them “WHY DIDN’T I KNOW THEY WERE THIS LOW?  “HOW COULD THEY HAVE DONE THIS?”  ” GOD, WHY DID HIS HAPPEN?” “WHY DIDN’T THEY COME TO ME?”  “I LET THEM DOWN … I SHOULD HAVE KNOW … I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE FOR THEM!”  Guilt consumes them, and it feels like someone has a hand on their throat choking the life out of them, too.

In the midst of ALL of this, please … remember them!

Remember the loved ones that they are grieving such a tragic loss over.  Remember the good times, and share those memories with the family.  Don’t be afraid to speak their loved one’s name for fear that it will cause them more pain.  One of the most painful things at this moment in time is thinking that people will forget all about the one that has passed.  Keep their memory alive!  It actually helps the family to know that you have fond memories of their loved one.  Share your stories!  Talk about “this one time when they made you laugh until your face and sides hurt” or “they were such a prankster when they did this or that …”  These memories are music to the parent’s ears.  One of their biggest fears is that people will forget the one that their heart is shattered over losing.  Reassure them that you will not forget …. and share with the family as a way to help them during this horrific time in their lives.

No one should EVER have to experience this special life altering loss of a loved one, and yet there are so many that take their lives each year.  People talk about the “signs” and yet often the person was able to hide their depression or feelings of despair from those closest to them.  There is no way we could have known that my sister would have taken her own life.  Just like the gentleman that lost his son in December said, “You never could have convinced me that my son would have been capable of or would have taken his own life.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.”

The mother grieving the loss of her only child, her precious adult daughter, shares pictures daily.  Occasionally, she will share her heart and pour out exactly how she is feeling in a post.  Often times, though, she sits alone crying with gut wrenching sobs escaping her lips.

Initially, survivors of suicide feel the need to protect their loved one’s name by trying to fix every wrong rumor that is going around town about them.  They rush to their loved one’s defense of such tall tales.  They don’t want anyone to tarnish their loved one’s memory with such fabricated stories.  Even the truth doesn’t need to be told.  It’s like a secret contained in a jack-in-the box.  It’s a secret that the family wanted to contain, yet someone has twisted and turned the handle multiple times until the secret jumped out of the box and, much to the family’s horror, was revealed for all to know.

Please don’t focus on how the person passed.  Instead, focus on the precious life they lived when they were here.  Focus on the love they shared and the many lives the person touched while here on this earth.

In the case of both parents, their children are still touching lives today, long after they have passed.  Because it enables those that still have their children to open up a dialog with them about such topics as depression so this doesn’t happen to another child, teen, young adult, or ANY ONE!

Remember them.

The ones that have passed.  Share the beautiful stories of their lives and how they made you laugh or how they touched your heart!  Don’t be afraid to say their name!!  It is music to the family’s ears!

Remember the parents and all family members that are grieving.  It affects everyone.  It is like a stone tossed into a river, and the ripples affect everything in it’s path.  Be there to listen … to offer a hug … just to sit silently with them holding their hand.  Just be there and reassure the family that even though they don’t know how they will take their next breath, you will be there with them helping them along the way as best you can.

Remember the ones currently in your life and do everything possible to let them know you’re there, whatever the need.  Listen to them, no matter if they rant about the same thing for the 10th time that day.  They obviously have something that is bothering them for them to feel the need to bring it up.  Let them talk and get it all out.  Listen.  Offer a shoulder to cry on, if needed.  Or just be a sounding board for that person.  Keeping it inside does more harm than good, so be the person that listens and, more importantly, validates them!

There is much yet left to be done to help others in this world.  Be the person that doesn’t shy away but instead is present to be a friend especially when a person is in need.  Don’t let a single other person on the face of this earth EVER feel alone again, if you can help it.

And pray.

Please keep these families in your prayers.  I promise you, they need them!

Four simple words can mean the whole world to someone.

“I’ll be there for you”

Those four words softly spoken when a person is feeling hopeless, weak, or powerless might change their outlook at the moment and help them hold on a little tighter.

No one likes to feel as if they are facing things in this world alone.  Being there for someone will help them tremendously, even if there isn’t anything you can specifically do for their situation other than offer prayers.  Showing support and encouraging others has to be real and genuine.  If it’s forced, fake, or doesn’t come from the heart, it will show and make matters worse.

I’m sure there have been times in your life when you’ve been there for someone.  Yet, when you are the one in need of support and encouragement, no one can be bothered.  It hurts when this happens, and if we’re truthful, there have been times we all have encountered this in our lives.  Right off, I can think of several individuals I have been there for in their time of need.  While it wasn’t my battle, I showed up with my armor on and weapons drawn ready to fight right alongside them.  Together we were strong and a force to be reckoned with.  Fast forward to years later when I’m the one in need, and I put on the armor, grab my weapons the best way I can, and proceed to fight alone.

Alone.

No one should ever feel as if they are alone.  In a world with seven billion people, surely there is someone out there that can help fight this feeling.

Yesterday I witnessed a lady come into the office wearing a brave face, determined not to let her hurt show.  However, after a few minutes, she dissolved into silent tears.  As she waited for her appointment, I couldn’t sit there and not acknowledge her tears.  I offered her a tissue, then reassured her the best that I could.  She smiled as tears streamed down her face.  After her appointment, I let her know that I would be praying for her as she made her way to the exit.  And I meant it, every single word.

Prayer is a powerful weapon all on it’s own.  Calling out to the Great and Almighty God that we serve does NOT fall on deaf ears.  He will ensure that in a world full of seven billion people that are in such a hurry to go here or there that you are NOT alone, for He is always with us.  We can’t see Him, but we can be comforted in the knowledge that He is there!  When others we have helped along the path in life simply do not have the time nor desire to return the favor, God is there to help us.  All we have to do is cry out to Him.  He already knows what is going on, He just simply wants us to invite Him into the situation.

When you pray, know that God has His hands outstretched saying to you, “I’ll be there for you, My Child.”  Take His hand and fall into the loving arms of your Heavenly Father.

I know you are like me and would love the companionship of the friend you helped when their father was going through cancer treatments, and you were rallying alongside them.  Or the friend that faced their mother’s health concerns.  Even the friend that was bi-polar that you took to the hospital so they could receive the treatment they needed.  Someone … anyone …

Just know that God is there.  Through it all.  And He always will be.

“It’s not aggressive …” 

His voice trailed off as I clutched the phone in my hand, the news assaulting my ears and devastating my heart and soul.

My world seemingly crumbled at my feet, and the tears rushed in like a full waterfall after weeks of rain, placing a tight ball in my throat rendering me unable to speak.

I sat in silence as he continued, “The news isn’t what we had hoped and prayed for, but this is a part of my journey here on earth.  What’s that saying?  ‘It is what it is’ …”

I struggled to regain my composure and force a response that wouldn’t let on that tears were streaming down my face, but he knew.  He always knows.

Immediately, I wanted to swoop in and fix it!  I wanted to solve all of his problems and take any and all burdens from him.

And yet …

This one is completely out of my control.

We spoke for a few more minutes, trying to make peace with this news that no one ever wants to hear.  Then as we ended the call, I broke down completely with gut wrenching sobs escaping my lips. There was no stopping the wailing cries that were coming from what felt like my toes traveling up to escape, while the pain reflected on my face.

I didn’t care about anything at that moment, except this dear person’s life and survival!

Trying to process the news that took the breath right out of my lungs, I could feel the anger rising within me.

“WHY, GOD?!?!  WHY HIM?!?!

We PRAYED to you!  We asked YOU for good results from the biopsy, not THIS!

Why would you take a good man … and put him through SO MUCH in his lifetime!?

With fists and teeth clenched, I yelled out WHY, GOD!?!

YOU SAID all we needed was faith as small as a mustard seed, and we have MORE than that.  Yet, you allowed this!

It’s not fair!  Why do the bad people in the world seem to skate by without any thing bad happening to them?  And yet this man … you make suffer.”

Anger is a very strong emotion!  Although we are taught not to question God, it is only human nature to do so!  It isn’t a sin, by the way.  And, He can handle it.  He IS God, after all.

The important thing is to get it all out; yell, scream, cry, even shake your fists at God!

Just DO NOT turn from Him!

And we won’t!

After having a meltdown or two, fussing and reasoning with God … I finally gathered all of the shattered pieces of my heart and turned them back over to Him.

“Help him, Lord … heal him on THIS side of Heaven!  We want to keep him here with us.  Please, God … please!”

A thousand words

will not leave

so deep an impression

as one deed.

~Henrik Ibsen

Words can sometimes comfort in a time of great difficulty, but they cannot heal the heartache or pain one feels.  If you spring into action, though, and do something … that is where you leave your mark.

Often times, people say, “Let me know if I can help …” or “Let me know if you need anything.”  They are well meaning words, but it falls short of actions that can be taken instead.

Bring a meal by, or take someone out for a nice treat to lift their spirits.

Days after losing a loved one when everyone has returned to their normal schedule, reassure the family by way of a card that you’re still thinking of them and praying for them.

Call or text – all that is needed is a brief reminder that they are on your mind.

Those are just a few things you can actually do to help … but nothing will take the pain away.  Only God can heal a broken heart.  You can stay close to them and extend your hand, and pray for God to do the rest.

Our family has faced a heck of a lot recently.  We’re not immune to it; no one is.  You just don’t expect it to happen to you.  Yet, here it is.

We managed to push aside the depressing news and try to have a nice Thanksgiving.  Realizing that we can’t do anything about certain situations, we can only pray, we strived to enjoy the day with family.

My family arrived Thursday for the noon meal, and we said a prayer of thanksgiving as we prepared to enjoy the feast before us.  We laughed, we loved, we enjoyed each other’s company.

After the meal, we settled in to attempt to watch a movie.  The food coma consumed us, and before we knew it, everyone in the room had fallen asleep at different points.

That afternoon we were scheduled to have a gender reveal party, but the less than favorable results from the ultrasound changed our plans.  Instead, we had a “Thankful For Baby and Mama” party, and we were delighted when several of my niece’s friends attended.

We took pictures, she opened presents we had for her, and a good time was had by all.

Friday morning, my niece called and so we invited her and her boyfriend over for another day of food and fun.  The day was nearly perfect … until tragedy struck.

At around 9:45 p.m. we received a life altering phone call from my ex husband’s family.  They were seeking my oldest daughter’s work phone number to deliver tragic news that her brother had passed away.  I knew my daughter would not take it well, so delivering this type of news over the phone was not an option.  I set out to deliver the news in person when she got off work in a town an hour and 15 minutes away.

We drove almost completely in silence the entire way there.  Dread filled our entire spirits as we approached her place of employment.  We waited for her to walk to her car as the rain began to fall.  I love seeing her face smiling back at me, but that night, she was surprised to see us, of course, as one can imagine.  I did not want to hit her with the news immediately, so I tried to small talk as I walked her to our vehicle where I ushered her in to take a seat.  Her beautiful blue eyes grew wider with concern and surprise.  As she was seated, I tried to break the news as gently as possible, but there is no easy way to relay this kind of news.  I placed my hand on her arm, looked into her eyes, and spoke as softly as I could knowing the blow those words would deliver.  She sat in shock, then began to shake, and finally dissolved into tears.

My heart broke right there right along with hers.  A mother strives to shelter her children from hurt and pain, but here it was washing over her and crashing into her.  The pain those words brought are unlike anything she’s ever felt before, I’m sure.

Her brother passed away.

He was only 19 years old.

Gone way too soon.

No one can grasp why something like this has to happen.  There are a million questions but no answers this side of Heaven.

I’ve tried to stay close to my daughter during this time.  We went to see her dad’s side of the family Saturday and spent a great deal of time with them.  Her dad and step-mom had just returned from making the funeral arrangements as we waited with the rest of his family.  Not knowing how that was going to go, I still pushed everything aside for my daughter.  Thankfully, they were nice, and we all greeted with hugs.  I was a part of that family for years, and although we’ve been divorced more years than we were married, I was thankful for not feeling like a complete outsider.  They were once my family, too, and we spent so much time together during the years I was married to my ex.

Before we went to leave, my ex-husband walked out on the patio with my daughter and I.  We stood there for a brief minute talking as he became emotional.  He was saying how he hoped we could let things of the past go.  That is what I’ve been trying to do for years.  Grudges were being held, but not by me or else I wouldn’t have been there the entire afternoon/evening with them.  As he began to get emotional, my daughter slipped her arms around her father.  I walked closer to them and hugged them both.  They were once my little family … just the three of us … and emotions were so high at that point remembering and thinking of what once was and should have been to what was happening at the present time mourning this great loss of a once vibrant soul with a sparkling smile that would light up a room.  Then I gave my daughter and her father a few minutes alone while I returned to my vehicle.

Reunited.

My daughter was reunited with her dad and his family.  It is a shame that a tragedy occurred for this to happen. Choices were made on both sides and hearts were hardened before.  Yet, now stands before them a chance to begin again.

As joy returns, it’s tainted by the tragedy and the intense grief.

We surround the family with prayers as they face this week.  An autopsy was performed, and now the family awaits today to visits with him alone at the funeral home.  Tomorrow they will receive friends at the visitation, and Thursday will be incredibly hard for them all as they bury this beautiful soul along with all the hopes and dreams they held close to their hearts for his future.

May God comfort as only He can at this most difficult time.