Menu
Menu

Light, Love, Hope

Light in the Darkness Surrounded by Love with Hope for those in need.

God Is Close To The Broken Hearted

Strangers

, 2

Yesterday I ran into someone from my past.  It should have been a wonderful reunion, and yet, it was awkward.  It saddened me greatly to think of what could have been, what should have been, and yet what currently … is.

What hurts is that this person has been kept from us the majority of her life.  The individual that I speak of is my sister’s daughter.  My niece.  If you’ve visited with us before, you know that we lost my sister 13 years ago to suicide.  She took her own life two weeks after having her daughter.  We were devastated by my sister’s passing.  Then we were further devastated when her only child was taken from us.  We were not allowed access to her because my sister’s husband decided that his parents should be the caregivers of their daughter.  We were only allowed a few short weekends with her, and she was taken from us again.  This broke our hearts completely.  Then after several more years passed, they wanted to allow us into this little girl’s life once more.  We did everything we could to be there for this little girl, and yet again, she was taken from us.  I don’t know if they felt threatened or what exactly went through their minds at that point for them to take her away from us again.  That is exactly what they did, though.  This time, however, I did not react the same way that I had in years past.  I did not chase after them, nor did I beg for them to allow us to see my sister’s daughter.  I prayed, I cried, I fell on my face before Jesus, and yet it still did not change the situation we were all in.  I had to deal with not only losing my sister but her daughter as well.  That is the sad reality of the situation.  Although my niece is still here on this earth, we are not allowed access to her … so we have lost her, too.

A year or so ago, my daughter found my niece on Facebook.  We all sent a friend request, and much to our surprise, it was accepted.  However, if I would send her a message or write on her wall, it would be ignored so I finally stopped trying.  She would only respond to my oldest daughter, then she stopped with that as well.

Yesterday we were in the store when she came over to my daughter and slapped her on her arm.  My daughter turned around and was excited to see her … yet there was this awkwardness that lingered.  My daughter quickly came down the aisle saying, “Look who I found …” and upon seeing her, my eyes lit up and a smile spread wide across my lips as I said, “Hey there, darling … ” only to be greeted with steel cold eyes and not a single expression on this little girl’s face.  None.  I stood cemented in my place as the reality slammed into me.  I … don’t … know … her … anymore.  We’re strangers.

My daughter tried to say a few words, and I tried once more asking if she was there alone or with someone.  Her response was still cold as ice as she said, “I’m here with the old man.”  She meant the grandfather that had instigated her isolation from our family.  I just stood there again, only this time, feeling my heart almost leaving my chest the same as it did on occasions in the past when she was slipping from me.  The reality is, she’s already gone.  She is a stranger to me now … and although I have tried to be involved in her life all of those years – 13 years of trying – the harsh reality is that I’m NOT a part of her life … and probably never will be.

It’s sad thinking of how it COULD be … how it SHOULD be … how it WOULD be if only my sister had reached out to someone, anyone that hot July day and let us help her through what she was feeling.  I imagine that our lives would be so much different … if only …

It breaks my heart … and yet all I can do is turn to God once more for comfort and for Him to restore peace.

And … He will.

Suicide Prevention and Awareness

, , 0

NOTE:  Tamela shares her very personal story in this blog post concerning depression, mental illness, and suicidal thoughts.   Please read Suicide Prevention and Awareness and allow your heart to open to what she is saying so that you can help others around you.  Share your love and compassion with those that are hurting in the world today.  ~Shirley

 

Hold me now I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking That maybe six feet Ain’t so far down Please come now I think I’m falling I’m holding on to all I think is safe

 

This is the final chorus to a Creed song called One Last Breathe.  I sometimes blast the song in my car and sing my lungs out as a suicide survivor because it reminds me that sometimes the loudest screams on earth are never uttered or heard by anyone.  Even if the words are spoken, the sad fact is that many do not hear the screams, the pain, the slow dying inside.  “Hold me now…,”  oh how often in my past I’ve thought those words which used to include, “I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking, maybe six feet ain’t so far down.”  I feel blessed and grateful to live outside that world today but I’ve lived there, not knowing, not understanding; certainly not thinking anyone else felt or understood my pain, wanting it all to just end…six feet ain’t so far down…

 

September is Suicide Prevention month.  This topic runs deep inside me daily as I know what it feels like to not be able to see any good in life, to feel that all have deserted you and no one understands…so why try to explain; besides, wouldn’t the world just be better off if I hadn’t existed or didn’t exist??

 

This is my story.  I hope by speaking it will help some to more fully understand the absolute and complete despair that one must be in to reach a point of no return, no hope, wanting no more than nothingness…to end the pain…to be gone from here.

 

I honestly cannot say when, what I call, the bad thoughts began but I know they were very present by my early teens.  Of course no one knew, who would I tell in the early 1970s when – compared to today – nothing was mentioned publicly about mental illness or feeling like you couldn’t take it anymore and just wanted to find a way out??  Knowing inside that somehow you didn’t think the way others did and that the constant feeling of defeat and sadness was beyond hard to overcome at times, and at times, I lost the courage to keep fighting and gave in to those thoughts of just being gone, of it all just ending.  If anything in those days, someone’s crazy aunt was sent away for “others” to take care of; an institution with no rehabilitation available.  My down times came in spurts but when those down times set in, I began what ended up being a decades-long quest to find out what was “wrong” with me and why I could not achieve what I perceived as “normal”.  I knew others didn’t hide inside unable to move from the couch, crying and/or sleeping for long, long periods – days.  I knew others didn’t hide behind closed blinds, isolating, but instead lived life.  I once did not know how to live life, not the happy lives I observed others enjoying.  I once had no enjoyment of life or the many blessings given each day – for many years I saw through eyes that lied to me about what I was seeing and feeling.  I knew others could enjoy life and have true fun.  At best I faked it and I don’t think I succeeded at all times but I did fool many for a very long time.  I lived behind masks to hide the pain and truth of what was going on in my head.  I did not know for many years that the periods of what I deemed “calm” (read: not suicidal) were actually my mania in full bloom.  At these times, life was GOOD!

 

In depression, I remember the sheer helplessness I felt.  Everything was bad or wrong; there was nothing “right” going in my life – despite in my adult years having a beautiful son and loving friends, a good job – what many would deem a successful life, at least looking from the outside in.  Inside, I could in no way find belief in the words of friends and family who said they cared – if they only knew how I talked them down in my head many people through my life would be surprised that what they saw on the outside very often did not match what was going on inside.  One of the aspects of sliding down that slippery path which could end in suicide is the relentless voice in your head that will not SHUT UP!!  That terrible voice that speaks only negativity, of your worthlessness, how others only pretend to like you or enjoy your company – everyone lies, that’s what my head told me.  The feeling of being stuck and that “things” would never improve; the absolute helplessness and hopelessness sent me on many a search to find the right way to do “the job” this time.  The truly sad part often leading to suicide is when you start picking apart your life finding each and every hiccup or mistake to validate your thoughts – even bringing things long past up to “prove” you are so bad you do not deserve to breath air any longer – see mind, here’s ALL the proof you need to justify my ending my life.  It’s a lonely downward spiral that unless you are paying close attention to the clues – sometimes verbal, sometimes in action or behavior – you will miss the underlying message and perhaps miss a chance to “hold” someone until they are in a safer, emotionally safer, place.

 

The first time the Calvary of medical professionals arrived to help was at the age of 30 when I found myself waking – very angry and upset –  in the ICU after attempting and coming close to achieving another suicide attempt; in the past I’d just woken at home with none the wiser.  I discovered that the State of Arizona takes these things rather seriously as I was not allowed to go home when released.  No, instead I experienced the first of many psychiatric “holding” (not quite lock-down level) places until “they” feel you are no longer in danger of harming yourself.  The Crisis Stabilization Unit was certainly a lesson in where I did NOT want to ever go again.  “Clients” were required to help around the house and apartments by cleaning or cooking or washing dishes.  Didn’t mind that part; what I minded was that in order to prepare a meal, if a knife was needed you had to check one out.  If you wanted to use a razor, you had to check one out.  If you did not return the sharp instrument you’d checked out in a set time frame, well, let’s just say bathrooms were not sacred spaces in that place!

 

With that experience under my belt, you can bet any suicidal thoughts were kept to myself from there on in, I was not going back there!  It was not till the mid-90s that I knew it was getting really, really bad; unmanageably bad.  I couldn’t shake the negativity, the despair, the pain any longer.  Friends referred me to a therapist who, God bless her, worked hard over more than five years to help me figure out why I could only achieve “better” for an inconsistent period of time before the darkness set in again.  All her work resulted in my going to inpatient treatment in July 2000.  The therapist had not given up so much as said, “Someone needs to watch you and see if they see something that I’m not.”  Please understand, up till this point in my life, I had never sought help unless I was mentally in the pits and thinking, “This time it’s going to happen.”  With professionals looking over me, they began medicating me for depression – that’s what I’d been sent for – and watched.  Upon leaving, I had to get a psychiatrist to continue with this medication-cocktail thing that most mentally ill people need in order to find balance once again.  It’s not a case of, “Here’s a pill.  It will fix you.”

 

The psychiatrist I found blessed me, too.  After a month or so, she looked at me one day and asked if I slept well or something like that.  She’d obtained enough information about me to start putting the pieces together.  At that time in my life I was raising an active son on my own, volunteering 15 – 20 hours a week, building a new advising program for a program at my alma mater (including frequent recruitment trips around the state), and yet this was not enough to make me tired or sleep much.  When the sad times came, oh, I could sleep all right!  I had by this time come to accept that leaving my home was not an option at times and so many a sick day was taken without a physical illness being present.  Don’t know if one can call in saying, “I’m having a mental day,” and it would be taken as being even in the realm of believability as calling in to say you have a cold…or that one would not ruin their career forever if they made such a call.  This psychiatrist put all the information about me together and figured out I was not depressed, I was severely bipolar and getting worse; soon after she placed me on disability.  This diagnosis explained so much.  My irregular moods, the highs and lows (not knowing that I was manic because that seemed a “normal”, productive state to me), most especially how I could seemingly function at times and then just be lost in the mental weeds the next.  I have learned and recovered much over the last decade or more.

 

My last suicidal period/hospitalization occurred almost a decade ago.  In December it will officially be ten years since I’ve taken the slippery slope that far down into darkness.  I have worked very hard over the last fourteen years to find my safe space and to be willing, when the darkness begins to set in, to recognize it quickly and act to protect myself from myself even more quickly.  I have learned that when my mind wants to fixate on the exit plan, I need to reach out as oftentimes others just do not or cannot hear your pleas for help…or even the “hold me now” which could quite seriously mean the difference between life and death.

 

As said, I’ve worked hard to achieve some level of peace of mind today.  I am also a well-medicated, watched-over, stable person today…but it took years and I had to be willing to work to find this place, this blessed place I am today.  I continue, I will continue, to have my swerves off the stable path but overall, compared to the first 50 years of my life, today is good and I am happy.  The very steep emotional mountains and below sea level valleys I’ve survived only serve as proof that I AM a survivor and that today, those highs and lows have become rolling hills that I can handle and manage.

 

I am so tired, so very tired, of people not finding their peace and choosing the exit plan and not the path to lead them back to stability, but I do also understand the mindset that puts one in a place of no return.  When one is sick in the head, their thoughts aren’t on crisis lines and reaching out – their mind is focused on the “how to end it”, not the “how do I save me from me?”  This is why it is necessary if you know someone who is depressed to pay attention to the words and actions of that person as that will clue you in more than anything and if those around us mental folks aren’t paying attention, well, that’s just more proof to us that you neither truly care or understand…even more reason I should leave here because no one will ever get me or understand this deep pain I have no control over.

 

I am willing to speak out for those who cannot.  As humans caring for one another, it is our duty to have at least the bare minimum knowledge of what any mental illness may actually be and to NOT presume based on behavior that you “know” that person’s mind or thoughts or capabilities.  Others have NO RIGHT to determine for me if my actions or reactions are based in my illness or just a real reaction to a situation that I must deal with appropriately while recognizing that I am allowed to feel during the entire process, and some of those feelings may be negative based on the situation.  Don’t presume, read and learn.  Read about depression or any mental illness that you may know you are around so you can be there to assist.  Learn the warning signs as I have known many a depressed person over the years and I have yet, once, heard any of them say, “But I told my friends I hurt…”  Look for the silent signs.  HEAR the silent pleas that come out as, “Life is pretty hard right now” not realizing they may be touching only the tip of their painful iceberg.  If someone starts giving away precious things to them – that’s a clue!!  Please, don’t patronize any mentally ill person by paying lip service only to them.  If you care, learn.  We can only help others when we are properly equipped to do so.

 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number:  1-800-273-8225 or visit: suicidepreventionlifeline.org

 

Veterans Crisis Line:  1-800-273-8255/press 1 or visit: veteranscrisisline.net

 

Both sites will give you information on suicide, signs to look for, how to help.  Please know we are losing 22 veterans a day to suicide, more than the national average – and it has been so for years.  Please pay attention, what’s hidden on the inside is frequently not shown or fully exhibited on the outside.

 

This month and all year, let’s work to get rid of suicide, at the very least reduce the numbers.  Help to get rid of the stigma and perhaps more would be willing to come forward and ask for help.  You be the help they need!  Together we can do this!!

 

 

Where Were You The Day The World Stopped Turning

10

Today is September 11, 2014.  Where were you the day the world stopped turning round?  Do you remember where you were on that day when we, as a Nation, were attacked?  I do.

I worked at a construction company, at the time, in the front office.  We had been working on a bid for a highway letting that was due by noon that day.  We hurried up and got all of our final numbers, entered them into the bid sheet, and sealed the envelop.  I rushed to my car to take the bid to the appropriate building in another town by the deadline, as this was before the world of electronic submissions.

As I got comfortable in my car and turned the radio up to listen to tunes on the drive, the regular program was interrupted with chaos and confusion as the voice came over the radio telling of one building up in smoke … and shortly thereafter, the other.  The twin towers were hit.  It was a terrorist attack.

I remember the shock I felt as the waves crashed into me of disbelief, horror, and fear.

My foot immediately came off of the accelerator as who could possibly think to press it when you’re having trouble just breathing in that moment you are hearing that the world, as you knew it, was coming to an end.  Was this, in fact, the end of the world?  Was this the beginning of the end that they talk about in the bible?

I managed to force myself to breathe in as I reached for my cell phone.  I called out to someone – anyone – to see if this was just a bad dream or if I caught the tail end of something horrible on the radio that wasn’t really truly happening.  No, it was no nightmare.  There was no waking up from this.  It was really happening.

I cannot begin to imagine the feelings that swept over the entire nation as they learned of this horrible attack.  So many lives were lost that day.  It was something that never should have happened, yet it did.  It left so many lives destroyed, so much devastation behind, and people every where asking WHY this had to happen.  Families were torn apart.  Lives were lost, blood was shed, and the entire nation mourned.

Even what seems like “all these years later” … we still remember.  This is something we will never, ever forget as lives every where were altered and changed that day.

Will you join us in prayer for our nation?  For the families that lost loved ones that day?  For the precious children … the husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, friends, coworkers … all of the precious lives cut too short, gone too soon?

Pray for our nation.

Pray.

We will NEVER forget.

Nothing Personal

, 12

Have you ever read a status update on Facebook and just knew that your friend was talking about you or that post was meant specifically for you?  If you have, consider that maybe it really and truly was nothing personal.  Maybe it was just a generic post that was put up because the individual that posted it liked what it said.  Or, maybe the situation warranted that saying in the past but may not apply currently; however, they just like the way it sounds.

It is hard when we’re in an emotional state not to take things personally.  If we could reprogram our brains to function rationally at all times and not emotionally, we would never run into this problem.  Here’s the thing.  We are humans, and thankfully, we do run off of emotions.  That is not a bad thing, but it does get us into a little bit of a pickle on occasions.

There are those that wander around in this world so closed up emotionally that hardly anything bothers them because it simply cannot get past the walls that they’ve put up.  Then there are other people that are the complete opposite that wear their feelings on their sleeves.  I tend to be one of those people, although I have tried really hard not to take everything on!  I have tried to take a deep breath when I have been upset to try to ground and center myself, but there are times when I am not as successful as I would like to be in this situation.

I have been told that I am driven by my emotions.  There have been others that have told me that I am “too sensitive” as if that is a character flaw that I possess.  In my opinion, it’s not.  I would rather be the way that I am any given day than to be someone that is so closed off emotionally that they will not allow another person into their hearts or their lives.

It does take a lot to trust someone and to allow them in to see the real you.  In opening up emotionally, you make yourself more vulnerable.  A lot of people think that leaves you wide open to being hurt, used, and abused.  Not so fast.  I would rather live my life as an emotional, sensitive being loving others and trusting them to love me in return than I would to close myself off from the rest of the world.  Yes, loving means taking a risk of being hurt.  To me, love is worth it and so much more.  I’m not just speaking about romantic love but love of friends as well.

If others have hurt you in this life, whether it is a situation of the past that is still troubling you or something that has just recently happened, please know that God is close to the brokenhearted.  He will bind up your wounds.  He will be there to comfort you and fill you with His unconditional love if you only allow Him to do so.  Let God in, and consider tearing down those walls so that others are allowed into the inner depths of the chambers of your heart.  Not everyone is out to hurt you.  There are some out in this cold, cruel world that just want to love.  Allow us to wrap our love around you.

Change Is Possible

, 0

I firmly believe that if a person truly wants to change, they will find a way to make the needed changes in their lives. It might take a situation where the person reaches rock bottom before they finally make that much needed change, but I believe that everyone has it in them to do so if they set their mind to it.

There are addictions of all kinds (i.e. drugs, alcohol, food, sex, etc.). It can be hard to get out from underneath the grip that these things may have on you, but I know that all things are possible with Christ! You don’t have to try to do this alone. He will help you if you only ask. I’m sure you are filled with remorse for having let yourself down as well as your family, but if you ask forgiveness and truly show that your heart and ways have changed, you will slowly gain the trust back from those that you love and who love you.

I have encountered a lot of negativity when I have been supportive toward someone close to me that has just within the past few months admitted that they were addicted to one of the above mentioned things. I will not call the person out, identify them in any way, nor will I state which addiction they have as they deserve privacy and respect. I will, however, say that I have had to endure countless “lectures” on how this person is never going to change, how they don’t believe that this person’s heart has been changed, and how they don’t believe that this person truly wants to make a lasting change. They feel that this person is talking the talk but is not walking the walk. They are standing in judgment of the individual to the point that it angers me. Why such strong emotion? Because this is someone that I love, and whether I’m considered naive, “in denial,” or just plain stupid, I still have faith in this individual. Why? Simply because I know that this is not truly who this person is nor what they are about. I have faith in this person because I know that they have the strength within them and through God to conquer this and squash this addiction once and for all. I know that this person is better than this, they just have to think more of themselves than to allow this cycle to continue.

This person has had a “rock bottom moment” within the past few months so much so that I truly believe the change that they have made for the better will be a lasting change. Sure, in the past it has only lasted two weeks at the max before things reverted back to the way they were before. However, I don’t see that happening now. I see a person that is in recovery. I see a person that has sought help all on their own for their addiction, and I see a person that desperately wants to recover and live a different life. I see a person striving to do so every day. Sure there will be struggles and temptations along the way, but this person can draw on the strength that the Lord provides so that when they are tempted God will deliver them from evil.

The sad thing about this is the ones talking negatively are the ones that were addicts at one point or another in their lives. They sought help and recovered, and yet they doubt this person’s heart and ability to fully recover themselves. How would they have felt in the mist of their recovery process if they had heard such negativity from people that simply did not believe in them? Would it have helped them thrive and continue on in recovery, or would it have caused them to relapse.

People can change. Change is possible if the person is sincere. No one knows their heart but God. However, I choose to see the good in them and will encourage them on their road to recovery.

Temptations

This post was inspired by the Five Minute Friday prompt word: Change.

Fill

, 4

With an empty feeling down deep inside, we sit and stare out into space.  Since you left us, it’s been so hard to put the pieces back together.  We try, but they don’t seem to fit right any more.  It’s as if we’re trying to put square pieces into a round hole.  It just doesn’t work.

When once we had such joy in our souls and the light shined brightly from the internal flame, now it is as if someone walked right up to us and blew it out just like you would the candles on a birthday cake.

Our hearts cry out for you.   Our whispered prayers carry your name from our lips across the blue skies extending up above the clouds and into Heaven’s gates straight to the foot of Jesus.   He listens attentively with this arms stretched out wide and loving kindness in every fiber of His being.  He comes to us and wraps us securely in His love.   He comforts as only He can and provides strength to go on.

If your heart is empty, let our Heavenly Father fill you with peace that surpasses all understanding as He pours His unconditional love over you.  Allow him to begin to mend your broken heart.

Pretty Place1

~This piece was written with the prompt word of FILL in mind for this edition of Five Minute Friday over at Kate’s virtual house.~

 

 

Be True

, , 6

In the fallen world that we’re living in, it seems so easy to betray someone.  Without giving it a second thought, people lie, betray, deceive, and cheat on an unsuspecting soul.  Ah, but don’t think that you’ve “gotten one over” on someone because although this trusting and loving soul believed in you and didn’t see this coming, God knows and sees all.

You may think that you were slick and have gotten by this time, or you may even have the “What they don’t know won’t hurt them” type of mentality.  What I’d like you to realize is that you’re only hurting yourself for when the truth finally comes out (and believe me, it will … truth always prevails) you will have lost all of the faith and trust that this person once put into you. Not only that, but you will lose the respect they had for you as well.

Will you be able to hold your head up high then?  Will you be able to look yourself in the mirror every morning with the knowledge that you betrayed the one person that had such faith and trust in you? Will you be able to live with yourself knowing that you betrayed someone that believed in you?

This person that has been so faithful and loyal to you did not deserve to be deceived, and even the act of omission is being deceitful.  When you purposefully withhold information and are not up front with that person, you are betraying and being deceitful.

How would you feel if you were on the receiving end of this?

I’ve been mocked throughout life for being “too gullible.”  Let’s pause for a moment and realize what this very word means:

Gullible – Merriam-Webster Online, www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/

Gullible – easily fooled or cheated; especially : quick to believe something that is not true. Full Definition of GULLIBLE. : easily duped or cheated

So I’m the gullible one.  I’m the one you mock and laugh at when you have purposely set out to fool me or cheat me?   Why is this viewed as a character flaw of mine, yet you’re the one smiling because you’ve easily deceived me? You’ve lied to me and you’re boasting of the fact that you’ve betrayed my trust in you? Honestly tell me, is this something to be proud of?  In my book, it’s not.  Something that I highly respect is when a person is honest with me.   When you show that you’re trustworthy, loyal, honest, and true – that is when you can brag and smile proudly – when you show me that you’re a man or woman of integrity and of good character.

Don’t laugh at me for being “gullible” or pity me for being so naive.  I don’t deserve being laughed at, mocked, or pitied for being an honest person expecting to interact with other honest people in this world.

Let’s look at the word naive for a moment, shall we:

Naive – Merriam-Webster Online, www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/

naive – having or showing a lack of experience or knowledge : innocent or simple

I don’t lack experience or knowledge.  I’ve been around the block quite a few times and endured a lot of heartache and pain in my lifetime.  I’ve been betrayed more times than I care to remember, yet I still choose to see the good in people.   I am not lacking anything … I’m simply choosing to love and believe that there is good in every one that I meet.  Some will abuse it.  Some will try to use it to their advantage.  The innocent or simple girl that is so easily deceived.  Oh yes, that’s something to be proud of – that I am an honest person and expect honesty in return.  It’s not a flaw in my character that I’m so trusting.

The next time you think of betraying someone, stop and ask yourself how you would feel if someone did this to you.  Consider the hurt you’d feel if you heard someone talking about you behind your back when you trusted with all of your heart to find that the person simply wasn’t trustworthy after all.

Think before you speak, before you act, and before you betray another innocent and unsuspecting soul.   Even if they don’t ever realize what you’ve done, God sees all.

Take action on this Tuesday and right a wrong!  If you have wronged someone in ANY of the above ways mentioned above, make it right today.  Fall on your knees and beg forgiveness from God for betraying a friend, family member or loved one, and then go to that person and beg forgiveness as well.  Confess what you’ve done and vow never to knowingly and willingly lie, deceive, betray or cheat them or another person again.   Be a person of good character.  Be a respectable person of integrity.  Have good morals and values about you.  Be loyal.  Be true!

Be The Change

Be Purposeful When Giving Thanks To God

, , 0

I have witnessed God’s hand in quite a few things recently.  One situation had one of my best friends in a panic, and rightfully so!   The news threatened to bring her world crumbling down around her feet.  Would she receive a phone call that would leave her devastated, or would she be able to sigh a big sigh of relief?   No one knew … except for God above!   We waited, and we prayed … although words failed.  What exactly CAN you say at a time like this?  I tried on several occasions to find something to offer in her time of need, and although I have been told that I’m quite long winded when I talk and write … this time, I had nothing that I felt of value that would ease her pain.  No words would be powerful enough to lift her out of this pit of despair.   Instead, I sent all of my love her way and flooded the throne room of God with prayers on her behalf.   In my inability to produce the “right” words, I simply kept reassuring her of my love and prayers so she would know that she was not alone in this.  She confided in me, and I had no words other than:

“I love you, I’m here for you, and I’m praying for you!”

Maybe that was all that truly needed to be said after all.

We waited … together, yet states away.  Oh the agony of waiting for results.  It adds more wrinkles onto our faces that we try with all of our might to keep as young as possible with all of the anti-wrinkle cream we smear on, and yet … there’s another one brought on by stress!   We hold our heads in our hands as we wait, some times taking both of our hands straight back, stroking our hair as we go, then holding our hands clasped together tightly behind our heads.  When we turn to face the mirror, we see yet another gray hair popping through.   Yes, anxiety at its finest!

Oh I know … you’re not supposed to take on someone else’s problems as your own.  They aren’t supposed to affect you.   BUT … when you love someone, you hurt when they hurt!   When they are struggling, you ARE affected because of how close you two are … it’s bound to affect even the toughest person on the face of this earth when someone they love is going through a hard time with their future unknown and unsure of what is to come, especially when it involves their health!

Then, the moment we had been waiting for.   The phone call was finally placed and my friend picked up on the other end as her words caught in her throat as she forced herself to remain brave no matter what the caller had to say concerning her results.

In that tiny moment, a fraction of a second, everything changed for her.  Completely!  Her outlook … her uncertainty … as she received the best results ever!  No cancer was found.  NO CANCER WAS FOUND!  NONE in that area, in the area of great concern … NOTHING WAS FOUND!!!!

When I received the news, I wanted to get out of my chair and dance around the room!   I can only imagine how SHE felt!

Oh happy days!! Happy days, indeed!

And then came the moment where I stopped everything I was doing and went to God in prayer.  This time, my prayer was full of praise and thanksgiving.  With a grateful heart, I thanked Him for sparing my friend, for the good news she had received, and for having His hand firmly upon her life.

Not too long after that, I sat silently wondering if she had done the same thing.  Had she taken the time to thank God?   Had she offered words of praise and appreciation for all He had done?   I’d like to believe that she did.  Only God knows for sure.

That thought needed to be explored as I firmly believe that more thanksgiving needs to be offered up to our Creator!   Thus, this blog post was born!  🙂

Have you ever taken the time to think about this, though?  Honestly?   We have no problem bombarding heaven with our requests, our wants, wishes, and desires.  We hold nothing back when we’re begging God and pleading with Him.  Yet, when He reaches down His great and mighty hand and heals the person or fixes the situation, do we take time to adequately thank him?  OR, do we sigh and say, “Well, that was close!” as we go about the rest of our day without giving this answered prayer another thought?

This is where we need to be purposeful, people.  This is where we need to take the time to thank God for how good He has been to us, because He is so very good to us all.   If we can take our prayers to God when we’re asking for this, that, or the other … why, then, can’t we take our grateful hearts to Him as we extend the biggest praise and appreciation for all that He has just done in our lives and in the lives of our family and friends?

God deserves more than just a “Whew that was close” or a “Well, thank God for that!”   He deserves sooooo much more!

Let’s be intentional with our praises … Let’s be purposeful with our thanks that we offer up to God.

Think of a situation right this minute that you’ve prayed over.  Something that may have been troubling you that you took to God in prayer.  Even if it was just a silent prayer from your heart to God’s ears … He heard it.

If God answered your prayer the way you wanted it answered, did you take the time to thank him appropriately?  God didn’t halfway do something, so don’t halfway praise him or thank him for it!

God has answered a prayer in my own life just recently, and I thank Him from the bottom of my heart.  Trouble seemed to come from every angle, even when I tried to just “Be still and know that He was God.”   The waves of hurt and pain crashed over me like the high tide rolling in at the beach lapping at the dunes threatening to spill over them, too!   I struggled … I prayed … I begged … I pleaded … and I felt like I was standing in the eye of the storm.   Then it felt just like God stepped right in the center with me and raised His powerful hand, and in an instant, the storms stopped raging around me.

My simple whisper of a prayer reached God’s ears and spoke to His heart:

Please God, please … put us back together!

And He did.  It was slowly at first, then everything started falling into place … only better this time around.   Yes, God answered prayer in His time, in His way, and with HIs divine touch on our lives.

He is worthy of our praises.  Fall down on your knees and thank Him.  Praise Him!  Lift your head up and look toward the heavens, then allow your praises and prayers of thanksgiving to now freely flow as you pour it all out and show your appreciation and gratitude for God above.

Take the time!  Be purposeful when giving thanks to God!

 

 

 

 

 

A Calm State of Panic

, 1

I imagine on some level we all experience this same feeling at some time in our lives; a calm state of panic. We try to be still and to let be and let God and be open to whatever may next greet us on this trail of life. Instead we feel ourselves set adrift on the seas of life with land in sight but no clear sailing as yet to shore. It is during these times that we hope for the best while remaining mindful that things may not have the outcome we pray for so deeply. When in a Calm State of Panic, I think it’s possible that you – the reader – like me, are hanging on emotionally for dear life hoping that nothing tips the precious boat of life we have so carefully crafted. The boat we thought infallible. The boat we built on faith and trust and belief that there would certainly be rough waters along the way but not that we’d capsize – or come close to capsizing…multiple times. The boat all our hopes and dreams rest in. I don’t know about you but I’m tired of the hurricanes and floods; I’d prefer small swells to overcome, thank you!

I try to remember that when I feel set adrift yet again, perhaps lost at sea for a bit, the way home may involve a rough entrance through the waves rushing to the shore before you can disembark and move on. Sometimes the waves are mighty and huge and very intimidating depositing you somewhere you’d never intended to be; perhaps feeling as if one must pick up the pieces, start over and make a life from this point forward. Sometimes under the calm waves lurks a sneaky and hazardous riptide ready to pull you back out to sea, back into the turmoil, the uncertainty. Sometimes you get extremely lucky and the waves are calm and prove to be nothing more than a momentary bit of drama made big only in our heads or a tide so even and calm that one glides to shore. What matters in those moments as you ride to shore is to hold dear the gratitude felt knowing our craft is built with might on our hopes and prayers and dreams and that it is the sturdy craft that survives to shore, no matter what the conditions. It is with strong, unmovable hope and faith that we hold on to our dreams and with prayer that the boat stays together, weather’s all storms, holds us together in love and belief that we will not be abandoned this time around either. It is the knowingness that during the time between leaving the clear ocean and finding abrupt shore that one has no control; there is a greater influence at work and “it” is in charge, not you. It is clear to me that this is the moment when one must enter a Calm State of Panic hoping and praying you arrive safely on shore once again but being aware that it’s a process to get to where one wants to be. There must be trust that the ocean will behave as you hope and pray it will, that no rocks or shoals are found as you head for the comfort and safety and knowingness of land. That the thing that is Greater Than You will guide you and those you love to peace and serenity and comfort and joy.

When our only choice is to let go, we must let go and let be – that is if you don’t want to drive yourself nuts with worry and anxiety over “what could be”. It is now that we must be observant and change course if necessary, to allow the panic but see that it is but a small part of our overall belief that all is well and we are each in the place we are meant to be. Perhaps the ride in will teach us new lessons this time around, who knows? My hope today is that I am open to “what will be” as I have no ability to control outcomes during the ride to land or emotional safety. The sometimes rocky ride to shore we take requires us to be patient, to believe what we see and hear but not buy into the insecurity of the blind and faithless. We must trust that with God’s guidance, the wave ridden to peace will take us not only where we desire to be but where we are meant to be. I want to be one of the mighty and courageous who fight their way to land each and every time and never gives up or flounders at sea. Our only true choice is to live with an open heart, to believe in possibility and trust that whatever the journey, it is the right direction for us and Creator would not lead us where we were not supposed to be at that time.

I don’t know about you but I am tired, extremely, bone-deep-tired of finding my boat put out to sea, waiting and watching to see what tide, what type of tide, will bring me in this time around. Are those storm clouds in the distance or is it my mind playing tricks on me; false evidence appearing real? For me the hard part comes in trusting my instincts while having patience and faith as my craft arrives on shore riding the waves of life along the way. Being tired does not stop the ride; it only makes one dig deeper to find the spark of “I can” that exists in each of us. “This shall not defeat me!” It could be difficult to look back at my boat’s Captain’s Logs and see the long list of past events which have made many arrivals on shore surely not the most easily traversed or the arrival a sure guarantee; it could lead to great discouragement on future attempts. Will I dodge another rough entry or will this landing be a “batten down the hatches” memory – or will I have imagined the worst only to experience a peaceful, enjoyable ride in? It is in my Calm State of Panic that I drop anchor out at sea and determine weather conditions and how I will remove the gap that leaves me emotionally stranded at sea while seeing so clearly the beautiful beach and shore that awaits me. During this time I must “read” the waves and watch the ebb and flow of water/life before I make my ultimate return to land where the panic will subside and I will know where I am, how I am to proceed and to get on with the business of living a full life. I only need be patient and lead with the faith of a child to allow God to do His work in my life and to trust that His work is healing work, loving work – He will see that my preciously-built craft holds together in whatever the conditions may be to the shore and that faith and belief and love will triumph once again! We do not always know exactly where we will land; it’s more of an “I’m aiming here…” (pointing to a general location on a map) situation but where we land is determined by Creator and our next task is to repair and store our vessel for the next ride and be grateful for the gift of solid footing while it lasts. There is but one guarantee; there is no controlling Mother Earth or the weather or even when God and the angels decide to have a romping, roaring time bowling in heaven and it is the fool’s task to make such an attempt.

I have come to learn that the ride in may be rough but with faith and courage, I will walk in the sand on the shore admiring a quiet sunrise or sunset knowing that I – and my place in the world – are secure once again. “Just believe,” are the words ringing in my head and heart at this time! Today I have achieved a cautious Calm (yet aware) State of Panic. I am holding fast to reality in that the weather conditions have not yet been determined for this passage to shore but that once given the weather conditions, I can survive whatever storm or pounding wave that wants to toss me overboard and leave me rolling in the surf. My craft is strong and held together with the love of God and He will see that I stay secure in my sturdy boat of faith and love. I rest in the knowledge that I will come out stronger and wiser with a deeper respect and stronger belief in He That Can, and Will, if I step out of the way and let Him do His work in my life. I cannot fight the weather if I don’t know what weather to fight. My role is to pay attention to the signals around me, to listen when Spirit wants to show me the way; to not reject the direction given me simply because it is the more difficult journey. Patience; God will bring the necessary knowledge in His time; I will not be left to float aimlessly about in doubt but will sail with direction in faith that I am rowing with the movement of the water and not against the tide of life.

Remember, your boat is capable and built of courage and faith and belief and all the things we need to achieve our goals. Your craft is strong and will weather the storms of life – you will know and grow strong and courageous in the love and belief that comes from having stood tall and unafraid of “what may be” because you live in the blessed understanding of knowing “Who Is”. God does not intend you to doubt. He intends you to have full faith and to believe no matter what the conditions that currently surround you may be, you will get through, you will ride the swells, big and small, and comfort and safety and love will find your heart and bring peace upon it again.

You will get there – your craft is strong.

“When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take the step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for us to stand on or we will be taught to fly.”
Patrick Overton

The Art of Forgiveness

, 2

Yes … you read the title correctly.  I decided to call it The Art of Forgiveness because it truly is an art.  It’s not something you can haphazardly go after.  It is something that takes time, determination, precision, and something that you continually have to work at … just like a piece of art.  If you were a painter or a sculptor, you would not give up so easily with the wrong stroke of your paintbrush, nor would you destroy your creation by an error made during the process.

Let’s explore a little more in this regard, shall we?

Since I enjoy painting, I will imagine you sitting in an art class with your white, crisp canvas before you with all of the pretty colors on your palette.  Oh, they are mixed just beautifully, darling.  There are soft colors and vibrant ones waiting to leap onto your canvas to create your best masterpiece yet.

You lean forward as you carefully place the tip of the paintbrush onto the canvas in a sweeping motion.  Within minutes, it comes to life with a beautiful scene taking shape right before your very eyes.

Now, some can freehand the image while others have to draw it onto the canvas beforehand to get it “just right.”  Regardless, you sit with superb posture, leaning in then back again as you take in the sight before you.   You hold your mouth in a way that shouts determination.  You wrinkle your forehead slightly as you lean in once more.  Then all of a sudden your paintbrush slips and paint splatters where you certainly did not intend for it to go.  Oh no!  Your masterpiece is surely ruined.

Or is it?

In frustration you stop and draw in the longest breath of your life.  You hold it for a moment and then slowly release it as you contemplate how in the world you will ever fix this mess.   You sit back slowly in your chair looking at the painting.  When once you had such high hopes, now all you can see is the destructive mark made by the paintbrush when it slipped from your hand.

You have a variety of feelings coursing through you at this point.  Frustration and anger mount as you fuss at yourself in your head for making that mistake.  Oh, why did you have to be so careless, you scold … why couldn’t I have paid more attention?  Why didn’t I try harder?

You glance at your neighbor’s painting to see them smiling as they delight in their piece, and yet, here you sit.

Then, you gather your composure and try to figure out how to make something beautiful out of this … Surely everyone will be able to look at this and see the error I made so why do I even bother? you ask yourself.   And without blinking, the thoughts Because it’s my passion and it’s worth it in the end! rush in.

And so you pick up that paintbrush and begin again.  You forgive yourself for the mistake you made, for the accident that happened, for something that was beyond your control at that moment in time … and you work hard at correcting it on your canvas.   Where once you imagined a hammock, now you think of a way to fix the paint splatters and so you work toward placing a beautiful flowing tree blowing in the wind near the banks of the water … all of this slowly begins to take shape now on your canvas as you correct, as you forgive the mistake you made and make something beautiful out of it after all.

If you get in a place where you simply cannot imagine how you’ll fix THAT part of the painting, you can always call in the art teacher for surely they know the answer when you tried desperately to fix this on your own.

And you create your masterpiece after all.

How in the world does this tie in with the art of forgiveness?  Well, my friend, I’m glad you asked.

We are only human, and in this life we are going to mess up.  We are going to make mistakes.  There will be people along the way that will hurt us, and we will hurt others, too, but certainly not on purpose.  Things will happen that will injury us and will pierce the hearts of those we love dearly.  We would never inflict pain upon a person intentionally, but in all of our humanness, it happens.

Just like you would not destroy the painting or punch a hole through the canvas just because you made a mistake, you most certainly wouldn’t end a friendship or a relationship when a person has wronged you.   At the first sight of trouble, you wouldn’t pack up and leave the relationship, just as you wouldn’t trash the painting for a few splatters of paint.  No, instead, you would try to salvage it.  You would give it your all in trying to mend the relationship.  If you’ve hurt someone, you would go to them and ask for forgiveness and hope that some day it would be granted to you … just as you would hope that someone that offends you or hurts you greatly would come to you and apologize asking for your forgiveness as well.   You would take responsibility for you actions, even if that meant stopping to take a good, hard look at yourself in the mirror to see the error of your ways.

You might even wring your hands  or run your fingers through your hair in desperation as you cry out …

And just like the teacher that stepped in when you had done all that you could possibly do, our God will do the same if we only ask Him.   For some reason, the one that holds all of the answers seems to be the very last person that we turn to when we’re in trouble.  We worry over situations and agonize over things for days.  When we’ve tried everything humanly possible, then and only then do we go to the great Almighty … when we can do no more to fix the situation, we turn it over to Him.  He will fix it all for us, if we only ask.  Some times it might not be in the way that we would like, but it is His will and what He knows is best for His children.

Forgiveness takes a lot of soul searching, and you do grieve and hurt when someone wrongs you.  When you are offended or injured by someone’s words or actions, it takes a lot to finally say okay … I’ve reached a place where I feel forgiveness is possible.  You can look yourself in the mirror now and say I forgive you as you ease up on yourself for the mess you’ve made in this life.  You turn to your family or friend, your spouse or your co-worker and say I’m sorry … please forgive me and you mean it with your whole heart.  You own it, and you take responsibility for your actions.   You no longer make excuses for now you’re striving to mend broken hearts.   You pray over the people and you pray over the situation.  You cry until you feel as if you cannot cry any more, and then you turn it over to God.  He picks you up and holds you in His loving arms as He comforts as only He can …

And then, something magical happens.

Slowly, things feel better.  Maybe just a little at first, but the hurt isn’t as intense any more.  As more time passes, you can touch that part of you and it doesn’t send you wailing to the ground in a heap.  You no longer tremble with fear of what has happened.  You begin to forgive yourself for the part you played in the situation, and you begin to forgive the other person.

It takes time … but hearts can be mended.  Forgiveness can be sought and granted.   Lives that once felt shattered can be put back together.

Do you have someone in your life right now that you know you’ve offended and would like to make things right with?   Think on this and consider reaching out to them.  Think of your part and examine yourself.   Pray about it and ask God to help mend broken hearts and put you two back together, if at all possible.  Then look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and forgive yourself.  Now reach out to this person and also ask for forgiveness.   Humble yourself before them whether it’s in an email or a hand written letter … but preferably in person, if possible, where it will have the most impact.   Pour your heart out to them and see what happens.   Know going into this that you cannot control another person … you can only control yourself.   Be willing to accept that they may not be in the same place as you are right now, and so forgiveness may not be as easy for them as it seems to be for you at this moment in time.  Realize that you may have to offer your sincerest apologizes and feel the person still harden their hearts as you turn to walk away … but know that you’ve done your part.  They will think back on the situation, and they will think of your apology in the days to come.   You will make an impact in their life.

If someone comes to you in this same way, if you don’t feel ready just yet to let go of the offense, then you have that right to carry it with you.  But, ask yourself how it is helping you or the situation to hold on tight to this?   Wouldn’t you feel better if you forgave the person?  Wouldn’t it make life easier if you vowed to begin again with them?  I’m not saying to wipe the slate clean and pretend nothing ever happened or forget and go blindly back into the same situation.  No, but what I am asking you to do is to pray about the situation and consider the times you have messed up and have sought forgiveness.   You would want the person to forgive you and offer you another chance.  Or, even if you two didn’t remain the best of friends or continue on in the relationship, wouldn’t it help to know that you two forgave each other and could go on peacefully in the world after having that forgiveness granted?

Prayerfully consider the art of forgiveness and see how it improves your life.  Holding on to bitterness, resentment, and anger does nothing to hurt or injure that person … but it hurts you in the end.  It imprisons you.  Release yourself from this prison and consider the art of forgiveness today … extend it to anyone who may have offended or hurt you in the past, even if that person was yourself.  If you’re holding on to regrets, consider forgiving yourself today.

 

The Art of Forgiveness

Belong

, , 4

The Five Minute Friday prompt word is:  Belong

Ready to write for five whole minutes without regard to getting it just right?   I am! (Which takes a lot since I’m a perfectionist at heart – Eeeek!)

Set? (Come on, set your timers!)

Go! (Let it rip, girlfriend!)

There’s nothing we want more than to belong – in a group, to be accepted, loved for who you are, to have a sense of belonging, to be among friends, to belong to someone special.   It’s a longing deep within our being to belong.  Why is it so difficult then?

There are times we feel ostracized.  We feel left out in the cold.  We feel as if every one else has a place on the face of the earth but us.  We feel that everyone serves a purpose, has a calling, other’s lives are intertwined and yet there we are floating through time alone.

Why can’t we fit in?  Better yet, why would we WANT to?  We were made to be uniquely different from everyone else, and yet, we all want community.  We want to fit in, to be included.  We don’t want to spend the rest of our lives looking in on other people’s lives and the fun they’re having.  We don’t want to wish for that special someone or that best friend that everyone seems to have but us.

We want to be fulfilled … to fill a place in someone’s heart so that they feel that they belong as well.

And then it happens.  Two people that are floating through time feeling the exact same thing at the same time but thinking they are alone in their thoughts.  Yet, finally one speaks, and the other says, “Me, too!” and instantly a bond begins to form and they belong!  The day they have been waiting on has arrived, and they have a sense of belonging like they never have before.

Because they do!

Now they belong to each other.

STOP!

Angel

Finding Freedom In Our Stories

, , 2

I love being a part of the (in)courage community.  At a time when I felt at my absolute lowest, these group of ladies stepped in and filled a large void in my life.  When I was hurting, they were there waiting to offer beautiful words of support to soothe my aching heart.   They were prayer warriors standing in the gap for me and my family.

As time marched on, I was given the opportunity to serve as an (in)courager!  I had a chance to give back to ladies around the globe.   This was huge for me to come full circle like this.   Now it was MY turn to love, support, encourage, and pray for precious ladies that became a part of the (in)courage community.

One thing this community has made clear from the very start is that everyone has a story, and everyone’s story matters!   It truly does.   I have found such freedom in being able to share my story, and just as we’ve tried to always do here at Light Love Hope, we want you to share your story as well!   We know that there are times that things just hurt, and to share your story would mean to touch that hurt once more.   We shy away from re-hashing the gory details because of the pain involved.  We have already experienced it one time, surely re-living it will only intensify the pain, we think.  However, there is an overwhelming amount of freedom that comes in sharing our stories.  It releases the hold that the pain of the past has on us.   Yes, we have to walk through the pain to get through the other side, but once you do this, guess what?  You are a survivor!   You have not only survived, but you’ve thrived!

When you once felt like all you had was a great, big mess, God has taken your mess and has made such a powerful message out of it.

Think of the impact that telling your story could have on others around you.  Maybe you have felt so alone in what you’ve had to endure on your journey, but you know what?  I’d be willing to bet that you’re NOT alone and that someone somewhere right this very minute needs to hear your story!   Telling your story, sharing all of the details, will release the hold it has on you, and it will also help someone that needs to hear that they’re not alone, you’ve felt this way, too, you’ve struggled, you’ve cried, you’ve  prayed, pleaded, begged, and have even gotten angry at times, but you’ve lived to tell about it … and they can, too!   If they only hold on a little longer, a little tighter.  If they only grab a hold of your hand, you’ll help them … even if all you can do is listen, pray with them, and pray for them.  That is something right there that is so very powerful!

I read a quote a few weeks ago that touched me because it rings true!   I even put it on my Facebook page as a status update because I love things that make you think but also that encourages and helps you along this path.

When you can tell your story and it no longer hurts, you know you have healed.  ~Anonymous

There is such power in these words.  Yes, it hurts to tell your story initially, but in doing so, it is helping you to heal.  It encourages others struggling with the very same thing, and your story gives others hope!

When once your story was almost completely emotionally crippling to tell, you have walked the path, and on your journey you have armed yourself with faith, love, hope, and your greatest weapon has been prayers to your Almighty God above!   Now you can tell your story without the gripping pain in and through your heart, and in doing so, you find such sweet freedom from what once held you hostage.

All of the writers here at Light Love Hope and everyone at (in)courage stands behind you supporting you and holding you up as you find your brave courage to speak up and speak out as you share your story and find such incredible freedom!

Together we are finding freedom in our stories!

Read my story by clicking here.

Finding Freedom In Our Stories

«‹ 5 6 7 8›
    Thanks for sharing!
    Copy Link