This is it!  The last day of 2014.  As people everywhere are preparing for New Year’s Eve parties and closing the chapter on 2014, we reflect back on what this year has held for us.  Do you look back on it fondly?  Or, are you like so many that are completely ready to close this chapter of their lives and begin a new one?

For me, personally, I am thankful that God gave me the gift of another year with my family.  We have faced many challenges this past year, but God has seen us through them all just as He always has and always will.  People may come and go, but our God will remain faithful and true – by our side, never ever leaving or forsaking us.  Ever!

The year started out actually at a church on New Year’s Eve.  Instead of “partying,” we chose to attend a midnight service at a church where we thought we were welcomed.  Yet, that evening, it was made painfully clear to us that we weren’t.  I am a slow learner.  That, or I’m determined!  I went back a few weeks into 2014 to this church trying to shake this feeling and just go to church not concerned with what the church members thought or how they acted – even if the mistreatment and unwelcome feeling came straight from the pastor’s wife!  I wanted to stick with it because at that point the benefits of attending that church outweighed dropping out.  I so wanted to stay as I longed to be a part of the congregation and a part of something for God’s Kingdom.  Yet, it was made clear by the pastor’s wife snubbing me, refusing to speak to me while speaking to other members in the congregation, including my family – yet not speaking to me.  Finally I had enough and did not return to that church.  Frankly, I had  enough of church people at that point.  Some times the most critical and judgmental people are found within the walls of the church.  A lot of times, feeling ostracized comes from cliches in the churches – where you aren’t welcome.  So, I have dropped out of attending a traditional church now and prefer to be at one with God and nature.

Next up in March of this year, I was involved in an accident where I sustained injuries that took months to recover from.  I did not lose my passion, though.  Even though this accident happened from being thrown from a green horse, I did not turn my back on something that I love.  For me, horseback riding is normally soothing and relaxing, if you have the right horse.  I tend to be a bit too trusting, and in this instance, I was because I bought a horse at the woman’s word not realizing that I was getting a horse that was not suitable for a beginner.  I trusted her, yet she put my daughters in danger as this horse was supposed to be for my daughters!  As bad as this accident was, I just thank God that I was the one on the horse at the time she bolted and NOT my children!  Although I held on as tight as I could for as long as possible, doing everything within my power to stop this horse, nothing worked!  I was thrown off of this wild horse’s back where I landed hard on my left hip sustaining a fractured pelvis, a fractured left hand, and a concussion.  Yet here I am today going trail riding as much as I possibly can when the weather cooperates.  The horse I was thrown from was not the right horse for our family.  Yet, the other horses that we purchased at the beginning of the year have been just perfect for us.  We now have five horses that we love!  The one that I feel I have bonded the most with is Sugar.  She is a beautiful paint horse about 14 hands high with the sweetest personality.  Sugar was there that day that I got thrown from the wild horse.  I believe that Sugar is all the more gentle with me because of what she witnessed that day.  You see, I got off the back of my horse, Sugar, to help my husband out of a bad situation with two other horses he was working with.  Little did I know what the future would hold when I got on the back of the other horse that was supposed to be broke and suitable to ride.  Sugar saw it all, and she takes good care of me now that I am back in the saddle again.  While I have ridden our other horses since recovering from the accident, I have really bonded with Sugar so she is my girl.  She is the one I always go to first, and she is the one that I take on trail rides or just take out to groom and love on.  She’s my girl!

Then this all began in April of this year with my family and I suffering tremendous heartbreak over an addiction that was finally revealed and dealt with after years of knowing that something wasn’t right, yet being unable to put our finger on it.   Finally my husband came clean with his addiction and sought help for it.  Dealing with the stronghold of a pornography addiction and a secret life he was living brought up a lot of feelings within both of us.  With him having an intimacy disorder due to this addition, he was unable to express his feelings and emotions, often clinging to the belief that real men don’t cry.  That is a lie and society has done a great disservice by making little boys believe this and having these little boys grow into men that are programmed not to show any emotion whatsoever.  In digging deeper into the reasons behind the pornography addiction revealed a lot more than what one would think.  It revealed things from his past that have troubled him.  Things that he stuffed deep inside never wanting to deal with them.  Yet, now all of these years later, he was forced to come face to face with things that tormented him.  In order to get to the other side as a survivor, in order to heal, he had to go through the pain of dealing with the causes of the addiction.  It isn’t just a simple thing that he wanted to lust after women.  It was deeper than that because he felt neglected as a child.  Although both parents were in the home, they were preoccupied with other things and were not there emotionally for my husband.  He hurt deep inside as a child with no one to console him.  He craved the affection from his parents, and he wanted to be loved.  Yet, they withheld their love and affection.  He soon discovered his dad’s stash of dirty magazines and video tapes.  Then, in secret, he would view these items and ended up self soothing when he was upset or felt neglected, abandoned, or hurt.  This was his “go to” when he was hurting emotionally.  What this does, though, is steal the very thing that you want – and that is to be loved and to freely express your emotions and affections.  This childhood secret turned into a secret life as an adult, and although he had a wife that adored him and longed to lavish love and affection upon him, he could not shake something that he had been clinging to since his childhood.  It began to rob us of intimacy within our marriage, and he became a cold fish to me much like his parents were to him.  He was not available emotionally, mentally, physically, and certainly not spiritually due to the sin in his life.  It took lots of tears and lots of heartache this year for him to own up to his addiction and get help for it.  Quite frankly, it was destroying our marriage of 12 years.  We were going down a path where I could not save us alone.  We needed an intervention.  It took tough love for him to finally see that things needed to change.  NOW.  He hit rock bottom when I refused to accept this in our marriage any longer.  We reached a crossroads, and it was up to him to decide which way he wanted to go from that point.  Did he want to turn from his ways and from the sin in his life, or did he want to cling to it while letting go of me, his wife, and us, his family?   Our future was uncertain for a few months – from April to June, when he left the first time – from July to September, when his temper got the best of him, and he had to leave again – to October when he returned yet threatened to leave once more due to his emotions running so high and being so quick tempered as he dealt with not only his addition to pornography now but to tobacco and alcohol which he also picked up while trying to overcome the first addiction.  Things finally evened out when I told him I would not allow him to ruin our holidays.  My children and I were determined to have a good Thanksgiving and Christmas – with him or without him.  We preferred it with him, of course, but it was all up to him.  While I wanted to be supportive as he worked through these issues, he could not keep doing this to me and my children.  Our hearts and our home did not have revolving doors for him to come and go as he pleased any longer.  He had a choice to make once and for all.  Thankfully, he chose me, his wife.  He chose us, his family.  He chose to turn from the secret life and kick the addictions once and for all.  He could not do this alone, so he has been clinging to God’s word.  I pray over him daily, although he probably has no idea.  I pray that he will not be tempted and will not give into lust.  I pray that God will protect his heart, mind, and soul in order to keep him from temptation and so that he will remain a man of integrity with Godly morals and values.  I pray that he will have eyes for only me and that I will remain tucked within the chambers of his heart where my love will finally be enough for him.  I pray for him to be devoted and dedicated to me as never before.  I pray over our children so that they are not harmed and will not suffer long term due to what they have witnessed as we have worked through these hard issues in our marriage.  I pray that they will never have to endure that which I have as I want so much more for them.  I pray that the love my husband and I have for each other will see us through this storm in our marriage with God right in the center of it all.  I pray that this new found intimacy with my husband and the bond that we now share will last through all eternity.  I pray that together we can overcome that which threatens to destroy us and come out on the other side stronger than ever before as we walk hand in hand the rest of our lives together as a family.

So you see, the year 2014 has not been a good one for our family in a lot of ways.  Therefore, I am ready to close this chapter of our lives.  I’m ready to shut the door on all of the hurt and pain from this past year – from all of the years in the past.  I’m ready for more for my family.  I’m ready for good things to come our way.  I’m ready for happiness and a life full of love.  I’m hopeful for the year 2015 to bring healing for our family as we bid farewell to the problems, heartache, and pains of 2014.

Even still, God has been good to us.  He has given us the gift of another year.  Some did not make it to the end of 2014 as their lives were cut short.  We are still here – praise God – and we cling to Jeremiah 29:11 as He has great plans for us.  He has plans to give us a hope and a future!

The last page has been written, I am turning the page, and closing the final chapter of 2014.