Dear Grief
Dear Grief,
I came to know you and despise you all at the same time 13 years ago. You slammed into me and my family on a hot July day stripping away every ounce of happiness and hope that we had for the future. When we should have been happy celebrating the birth of a new baby, you came like a thief in the night and stole our joy while leaving huge holes in our hearts. You snatched our hearts from our chests the day my sister died, leaving behind her two week old baby, and on many “special” occasions since that time as my sister is not here with us to “celebrate.” Instead, we feel you body slam us to the ground at these special times of the year.
Like now.
It’s Christmastime.
In just a few short days, Christmas will be here bringing all the laughter, joy, and cheer, and yet here we sit reminded of you and all you have taken from us.
A few short days ago, we mourned, cried, whaled, and held our heads in our hands on what should have been a happy occasion; my sister’s 46th birthday. Yet, there was no big celebration at all and none of us felt happy. We were consumed with you as you wreaked havoc on us all once more.
Oh how we wish to be free from you. How we wish we would have never come to know you.
And yet, you’re here. Sitting among us at the dinner table with our heads bowed, silence filling the room, as no one dare speaks my sister’s name as surely a flood of tears would flow down our faces like a torrential downpour if we did.
You assault us at this time of year especially.
My poor mother was so overcome with emotion yesterday, yet she can’t speak of my sister to my father who holds tight to you. He hurts and deals with you alone as you have rendered him speechless when you come around. My dear mother cried due to you yesterday to my daughter. My teenage daughter felt trapped in the room with her grandmother and YOU.
How dare you! How DARE you do this to my mother, to my father, to ME, to my children … how dare you!
What are we to do when you’ve stolen so much from our lives?
How are we supposed to go on when you keep coming around threatening to cripple us emotionally once more?
When will we ever be free of you?
Dear Grief. I hate you with a passion. I hate what you’ve done to our family. What you’ve taken from us – our hopes and dreams of the future. How you’ve torn this family apart from the inside out. I hate how we bleed internally as our hearts are shredded, and there is no help or hope for us to be free of you.
And so I pray.
I pray for peace that will not come for long. I pray for comfort for my parents and their hearts that have been ripped from their chests. I pray … that is all I know to do … as I hug them tightly and whisper, “I love you.”
Me, the surviving daughter.
The one without my sister.
The one that forces a smile when I feel as if I’m dying inside.
You will not steal my joy forever. For when I feel as if I cannot go on, I don’t have to do this alone … for God is with me. He swoops in when you threaten to take us all the way down into the pit of depression and despair, and He wraps His loving arms around us. He draws us near to Him and comforts the brokenhearted. He provides the light in the darkness for HE is the light.
Oh, The Light of The World has come to save us once more.
He dries our tears and allows us to rest our weary heads upon His shoulders. He holds us for a little while until we are able to stand without the need of being carried, but He does not go too far away. He is there ready and willing to catch us before we fall again when you threaten us once more.
You will not win, Grief.
For you see, we will be reunited with my sister once more and all of the loved ones that have gone on before us. While you try to cripple us on this earth, there will be NO tears in Heaven. None.
You will not exist in Heaven, Grief. You will finally die, but no one will mourn for you.
We will walk the streets of gold with my sister, together at last. We will be filled with so much joy as we walk hand in hand with Jesus.
Oh happy day, when Jesus comes …
Then we will wave goodbye to you.
Goodbye, Grief. You will not be missed!
December 22, 2014 @ 1:17 pm
I pray for your family to find peace. Grief is hard
December 22, 2014 @ 1:23 pm
Thank you, sweet Paula, for your prayers.
December 22, 2014 @ 3:10 pm
This is so honest. Thank you. My family and I are on the early side of grief/mourning, and I’ve wondered how things will look when we get out a year. Because then we will have lived through the “firsts”…but we will have so many years still to live without. I hope you are able to find glimmers of light and joy even in the midst of your sorrow and grief. I don’t know how you do that, but I believe it is possible if we can allow God to meet us in the middle of it.
December 22, 2014 @ 4:52 pm
TC, I am very sorry for your loss. I want you to know that we don’t always feel like this, but there are times even 13 years out that we do feel the grief slam into us. I hope that what I wrote, while being as truthful and real as I possibly could, did not bring you further down. I cannot promise that time will heal this because there are still moments when we miss my sister so much that it does paralyze us. It is at those times that we cling to Jesus even more so because HE is the only way we are able to get through this type of a loss. Losing my sister to suicide was the absolute WORST way to lose someone that you love and hold dear to your heart. Losing someone you love is never easy, but the grief suicide leaves behind is one like no other. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.
December 31, 2014 @ 8:03 pm
Oh, Shirley, I am so very, very sorry for your loss. That is one of my greatest fears — the loss of my sister. I can’t imagine the pain. Thank you for sharing this piece of your heart with such raw honesty. May the God of all comfort indeed be your source of comfort and strength now and always. Grace to you, today and every day until we bid Grief farewell and finally find ourselves at home.
January 2, 2015 @ 4:37 pm
Thank you so much, Kate. I pray you never have to experience losing your sister.