I sit at my desk with the sunlight pouring through the window.  The leaves of a green plant seem to illuminate as it soaks up the light, even arching itself toward the light source.

I’ll be honest.  While I’ve written daily and attempted to share light, love, and hope with the world, I have been struggling.  While details aren’t necessary at this time, just know that it’s hard, so very hard to be positive and optimistic when you feel bad in every way possible.  Emotionally, I cry, deep from the core of my being.  Physically, my body aches and longs for relief; to sleep would be a welcomed reprieve.  Spiritually, I beg my God for help and healing.

I realize I’ve written all throughout this site that your positive or negative attitude is a choice you make daily.  While I still believe that, it is extremely hard to remain positive when you have deep issues going on concerning your health.  It truly affects every aspect of your life; work, family, friends.  It’s hard to live with something so debilitating.  You just don’t have a good quality of life like this at all.  And the kicker:  the insurance company has denied the hysterectomy.  My doctors are working on it at this time and are requesting a peer to peer review, but we are just a short time away from the surgery date.  I’m facing having to pay a large sum out of pocket for the surgery because I truly NEED it despite what the insurance company is saying.  It is disheartening when you spend thousands of dollars for good insurance, and yet when you need them the most, you’re denied.

With all that has happened recently, I’ll admit that my light has almost been snuffed out.  While I’ve been told to remain positive, it’s easier said than done.  The people saying it are good people, and they mean well.  I believe it with my whole heart.  They don’t mean to rip me to shreds with their words, yet I’m so incredibily sensitive at this time.  My nerves and feelings appear to be worn outwardly, and any little thing causes a sting or pain to race through my body.

I’m trying to pull myself up by my boot straps; another saying people love to throw at you.  I force a smile, even through the physical pain I feel.

I am trying.  And that is all that I can do at this time while praying for the Light of The World to wash over me and illuminate me like the sunlight upon the leaves of the green plant that sits on my desk.