Light, Love, Hope

Our family couldn’t wait to decorate for Christmas this year.  We had only been in our new home for eight months when my youngest daughter exclaimed, “I want to go all out for Christmas.”  And so the decorating began in November.  Usually the rule in my house is to decorate the day AFTER Thanksgiving, but this year, we were in the holiday spirit weeks prior to Thanksgiving.

It is such a special time of year, with a feeling of magic in the air.  Everything seems so much brighter this time of year, with people seemingly more friendly and loving toward each other.

Why can’t we carry this feeling with us long after the holidays have gone?

For now, I’ll enjoy it while I can.

Sitting by the blazing fire, music playing softly, with Christmas lights twinkling all around me, I have to ask, “Does it get any better than this?”

Family and friends drew near on Thanksgiving day as we feasted together, truly thankful for all of our many blessings in this life.  We are missing some this holiday season, but we keep them in our hearts … forever.  Our memories bring them back to us any time we’d like … we just drift off into our own thoughts and find them there.  What we wouldn’t do to have one more conversation with them, to tell them all the things we need to say to them.  But, our hearts whisper them now and ask God to carry our message to our loved ones in Heaven.

I’m thankful for the man with white-as-cotton hair that I used to play in as I sat behind him in the car.  “Papa,” as we all lovingly called him, even though he was my father-in-law and not my grandpa as so many thought when they saw us together.  I’ll never forget this big, strong man sitting at the bar in the kitchen asking in this low tone, “Will you be my friend?”  We’d laugh, as he was cutting up and fooling around.  Oh, how I miss that man.  “Tears In Heaven” was a favorite he would play, and it’s hard to listen to that Eric Clapton song today without thinking of his sad eyes upon learning he had lung cancer.  We rallied around him, through the surgeries and treatments.  He left this world way too soon, snatched from us before I could officially tell him that I was pregnant with his grandchild!  She has had to learn of him through pictures and stories we tell … and that is my duty to make sure his memory lives on.

My heart is grateful for 33 years with my sister, although not all of them were full of happiness and joy.  We fought, as all sisters do, and we had a falling out.  But my heart is forever thankful for the time I had when our stubborn hearts were reunited.  I’ll forever treasure the memory of her arriving at my workplace with a present for me.  It wasn’t my birthday, holiday, or any special occasion that I knew of … yet she offered this present to me with a smirk upon her face.  I took it from her hands, with a puzzled look on my face.  She never said a word … just stood there grinning as I unwrapped the present to find a picture frame with her ultrasound inside.  My heart leaped and did cartwheels at the thought of my sister having a baby.  I’ll treasure that memory for all time.  That special moment she shared with me.

I can’t help but think of the brown haired little boy looking up at me from his car seat as my daughter returned from a visit with her father years ago.  Her brother, so innocent and sweet, sat there with skin of a porcelain doll.  The face of an angel.  He grew into this giant of a young man, towering over my daughter in her graduation picture.  Yet another taken from us way too soon … he’s forever frozen at just 19 years of age.

I think of my grandparents that have gone on to be with the Lord.  I was never their favorite, and I knew this.  But toward the end, I felt I had some special time with my grandmother.  We decorated her house and brought cake to welcome her home after an extended hospital stay.  I knew the end was near after she suffered terribly for two years.  Then, on her last Christmas with us, we took her a birthday cake and sang Happy Birthday to Jesus.  I’ll forever remember this once strong woman, now in her weak, frail state, singing along with us, giving reverence to our Lord and Savior.

The last Christmas with my mother-in-law was extra special as well.  She knew the end was drawing near after she could not tolerate any more chemo.  And so she invited us over for an early Christmas meal.  We gathered around, trying desperately not to acknowledge what the near future would hold and just enjoy the time we had together.  We ate the feast prepared by a local caterer, as she was far too weak yet would not allow us to bring anything.  We laughed together and exchanged gifts … then a few short months later, she passed away.

Pictures … and memories … are all we have left of these beautiful people.  Our hearts miss them more than our mouths will ever speak of … and we shed silent tears for them.  But they have shaped who we are today.  None of us will go through life unchanged or unaffected by the time we shared with them.  It’s carved in our minds and we are better people for having them touch our hearts as they have.

A lot of people balk or groan at the thought of holiday pictures, or pictures in general … yet they are treasured for those left to pick up the pieces long after you’re gone.

This holiday season, get in the pictures.  Laugh that full on belly laugh with your loved ones and stop hiding when the camera gets pointed in your direction.  One day someone will be sitting there thinking of you and re-living memories, as they rifle through their pictures searching with all their might for ones of you.

Everyone has probably been preached to about wearing their seat belt and also not texting and driving.  Well, add me to the list because I feel it is important to share this message yet again.

Please … before you get in the vehicle and consider not buckling up, think of your family.  If you have children, think of their little faces looking up to you to do what is right.  The same with texting and driving.  I’m sure we’ve all used poor judgement and done it from time to time, but it only takes a split second to run off the road and hit a tree or cross the centerline and hit someone head on.

We’ve seen countless newspaper articles talking of people that lost their lives to these two things.  Working in the field that I’m in, I’ve seen it myself with individuals in their 20s losing their lives due to not wearing their seat belt, texting and driving, or both!

Please … don’t be a statistic.

When you get into your vehicle, the very first thing you should do is buckle up!  Not only is it the law, but it is truly a proven lifesaving device!

When my oldest daughter started driving, I asked her to place her cell phone in the console or the back seat to ensure there was no way she would be tempted to look at her phone when she was behind the wheel.  Now that my youngest daughter has her learner’s permit, I will instill this into her as well.

That text message CAN wait!  The notifications blowing up your phone from Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and any other social media … they are NOT worth risking your life over!

Your family needs you to be here for them.  There are a LOT of memories yet to be made together with them.  Let that be motivation enough to use wisdom here!

Each one of us is working on the legacy we will leave behind one day.  How will people refer to you when you’ve passed on?

Recently, we handled a service for a lady that lived to be 90 years old.  She had pre-arrangements with the funeral home, having paid the balance in advance, and had even written her own obituary.  When the family came in to finalize everything for the date and time of her service, they asked me to make a copy of a sweet note she had written entitled, “Will and Testament.”  I provided several copies for everyone in the family to have once I realized the significance of what was written.

While I feel it would not be in good taste to reveal the exact words written within the content of that note, I do wish to share with you the jest of it.

Wishing to leave her family well equipped for the remainder of their lives, she desired to pass along a fortune of courage for what they may face.  She also desired to transfer the belief in God that had provided much strength, hope and comfort throughout her life.  Realizing that each individual has to find this for themselves, she resigned that all she could do was leave her love, which was in abundance and would remain everlasting.  She ended the note with her prayer for God’s blessings for each of her beloved family members.

Think on this the rest of the day – what legacy will you leave behind?

Spring is here, finally, after Winter seemed to drag on forever!  With Spring comes a renewed love for life and nature.  Pretty shades of green begins to emerge on plants that were dormant during the cold months.  New buds appear on flowers, and we pray that there’s no “cold snap” before Easter that will kill the new life that has been breathed into these flowering plants.

It’s a time for new beginnings!

In this past month since I’ve written, my mom has definitely had a new beginning.  She had severe back pain for over a year and a half due to pinched nerves in her spine.  Two weeks after surgery, she was finally released from the hospital after several different complications that occurred.  The surgery on her back was a success, and she was not in any pain with that, thankfully.  It was other matters that prolonged her hospital stay.  She ended up going home with physical therapy on order and a variety of other things to deal with.  After using the walker for a good while, she then progressed to the point where she only needed a cane.  Imagine my delight when my parents drove up to my house last Saturday.  This was the first time she felt like going any where after six weeks.  The door sprung open, and my mother proceeded to get out of the vehicle, walk to the edge of the steps and then start climbing the nine steps in order to make it inside of my house.  It did my heart so much good to see her getting around like that!

There has been a new beginning taking place in my life as well.  We moved!  After 25 years of living in the same place, we decided it was time for a change.  My husband actually called it a “fresh start” and a “new beginning” for us.  A lot of people wait until they retire to go on trips or buy that vacation house.  Sadly, too many fall ill right after retirement and are not able to enjoy the fruits of their labor after all of those years of working.  So, we decided to go for it now and enjoy life.  You can’t take it with you, that’s for sure, so you might as well enjoy while you’re alive.

We moved on the complete opposite side of town and have more acreage now for us to ride our horses on!  There’s a pond for us to enjoy fishing in as a family, and we will still be able to enjoy Summertime in our pool.  While we didn’t “need” this house or any of the extras that came with it, it was something we felt we wanted to do as a family.  My youngest daughter fell in love with the house when she first saw it, and for a month after, she asked every single day, “Have you heard anything on the house?”  She was so anxious to finally move in that when we did, she would not leave the house for the entire first weekend we were there!  She honestly LOVES the new house, and honestly, I am quite fond of it myself!  It’s more than I could have ever imagined.  After all of the years of my husband being so humble and not wanting to be too “showy,” we are now enjoying the hard work both of us have put in for all of these years.

My oldest daughter is now living in my old house.  It was full of so many memories of my children growing up that it was hard to even think of selling it!  Every corner had a special memory!  I’ll never forget the time my oldest daughter was in her little walker.  She was so cute and looked as innocent as ever, until she looked right at me and heard me say, “No … don’t you do that …” and disregarded everything I just said as she snatched the peace lily leaves and ran down the hall as fast as she could in that walker!  She left a trail of dirt behind her as she had a death grip on that peace lily.  I can laugh about it now!  But it’s moments like those that are forever etched in my memory.  How could I possibly sell that house?  It’s the house that both of my babies grew up in.  It was also the same home that my niece knew throughout her childhood when I was allowed to have her visit with us.  I rocked all three babies in my wooden rocking chair in the living room as I patted their little diapered bottoms while singing “Jesus Loves Me.”   My oldest daughter teases me now that my niece is expecting a baby of her own.  My daughter mimics me rocking and humming or either singing my special tune that I sang with all three of them.

Memories!!

I could not let them go.  So the house had to stay, and my heart is so full knowing that my daughter will live in this house where she will make memories of her very own there.  (She and her boyfriend are talking about future plans to marry, and my heart leaps and does flips over this!)  And if she ever tires of calling this “home,” then my youngest daughter has already said she wishes to live there one day, too.  How wonderful to know that this house full of memories will remain in our family for years and years to come!

My niece will be 33 weeks pregnant this weekend, and we’re having a baby shower for her!  Little Oliver will be here in just a few short weeks.  I’ll actually be surprised if she goes to her due date of May 12th.  We’re excited, yet nervous, but we’re expecting great things.  God is so good … and we know that no matter what we will face with this special needs child, HE will see us through it all!

Yes, new beginnings … for everyone!

I had every intention of joining in the 28 day writing challenge that started February 1st.  As my blogger friends geared up for this, life got in the way on my end.  Fourteen days have gone by, and we wonder how that is even possible.  We were just celebrating New Years, then we blinked and have fast forwarded to Valentine’s Day!

Life has a way of doing that, you know.

I have the option of starting right now – today – with this writing challenge.  Some would think it’s no use since we’re already halfway through the month.  But that is the beauty of things.  You get to choose when you start, and you know what?  You can always begin again if you fall behind.

The point is that you always have a choice in the matter.  Yes, there are things outside of your control … but take the items you can do something about and pour your energy into them.

You can do the same with your relationships.  Whether a romantic interest or a friendship … even with family members … you can begin again with them at any moment.  Disagreements happen from time to time.  If you live long enough, each and every one will encounter not so happy moments with people they love.  Girlfriends and boyfriends have spats, just like people that have been married for 53 years.  Families have little squabbles, too.  I don’t know of a single perfect family.  Do you?  And friendships … there can be misunderstandings there, too, or falling outs that happen.  It’s so sad when that does happen, especially if you’ve been friends for many years.  You lose touch, life just gets busy or in the way, and the next thing you know, you’ve lost that special friend you were so close to for all of those years.

Choose to begin again, if they are willing.

That has just recently happened in my life.

It’s no secret that marriage is hard.  It’s two individual people meshing their lives together.  It can get sticky at times with their own strong wills coming forth, and discontent develops at the other’s poor choices.  Other times, it’s smooth sailing.  We shouldn’t fool ourselves into believing that it will always be like walking along in the rose garden.  Oh no, you’re bound to get snagged by the thorns at some point.

The same thing happens with friendships.  Feelings get hurt, one feels they care more than the other or are putting more energy into the friendship, and pretty soon they stop trying.  What they don’t realize is that maybe the other party has something going on that they just haven’t been able to bring themselves to talk about just yet.  And now, they won’t because the one they once confided in has distanced themselves.

Often times, it is a misconception that occurs.  One “thinks” so it must “be” …

WRONG!

And a person’s perception is their reality.

That was a hard one to grasp for me.  Just because someone perceives me as a snotty Missy Goody Two Shoes does not make it so.  I don’t stick my nose in the air or look down at any one.  Imagine my surprise when people have spoken such words about me.  But it was all in their perception of me, which I have no control over.  When they got to know me, they realized how wrong they truly were.

Has that ever happened to you?  I know it has with me.

The shy, quiet type … maybe they aren’t insecure.  Maybe they just prefer to listen because they learn so much more than someone yapping all day long.  But they are often judged harshly or viewed in a negative manner.  Truth be told, they are probably smarter than all of us put together!

I, for one, am thankful for new beginnings.  And the one that honestly shouldn’t still be here after EVERY thing that has happened in life … is right here rooting for me, just as I am rooting for them.  They understand that there is no perfect person on the face of the earth.  If one strives to do better, why not put your best foot forward as well?

And that’s what we’ve done.

Spring time will soon be here, with daylight savings among us once more.  What a PERFECT time to breathe new life into your relationships and start over … take it one day at a time … and choose to begin again.

What a hard week this has been for my family.  My mother is still in the hospital a week later after back surgery due to complications.  She scared us completely when she wouldn’t wake up the day after surgery, and they referred to her as “unresponsive.”  Thankfully, it was just the combination of her age, the anesthesia and the pain medicine they were giving her that caused this reaction, according to the nurse and doctor.  What’s been so great about all of this is that when she did wake up, she indicated she was not in pain from the actual surgery.  They went in and put rods and pins in her back to relieve the pressure on nerves that were causing her extreme pain for a year and a half.  The doctor told her that if she did not have the surgery, she would end up in a wheelchair.  She felt she had no choice but to go through with the surgery then.  In light of our fear and her hesitation to begin with when surgery was mentioned, it is wonderful that she has not experienced any pain from the actual surgery itself.  With her being able to tell the staff that on Wednesday, they weaned her off of the pain medicine and were just giving her Tylenol if needed.

Sadly, complications seemed to come at us completely blindsiding us completely.  We did not expect any problems, as the doctor was talking about her going home the day after surgery.  However, a week later, my mom is still in the hospital.  They did, thankfully, stepped her down from ICU and into a regular room Saturday evening when I was sitting with her.  This would allow my parents a little more privacy, and, hopefully, the ability to rest more while in the hospital.

If they could just get my mom’s fever to go away, but it is still bouncing around as they try to determine what else is causing it.  They knew about the pneumonia, despite having the pneumonia shot, but now they are treating her with two different antibiotics as they try to determine what else is causing the fever.

We’ve relieved my dad as much as possible over the weekend, but he does not wish to have her unattended for very long while in the hospital.  He is very protective of her, but I have tried to explain, although he’s worn out and just plain tired, that she is in the best place at the moment.  She can’t go home with an elevated heart rate, blood pressure, and blood sugar numbers.  Honestly, with the fever, she needs to be there until it is completely gone and she’s healed from whatever it is that is causing the problem.  Realistically, we know this.  But when someone has been away from their home for a week, it gets old fast.  My strong willed mother has even tried to get up in the middle of the night to go home.  There have been a few times she has dreamed she was at home making coffee, but alas, in the hospital she sits until the complications go away completely.

As far as the actual surgery, they have gotten my mom up and moving around with a walker.  She was able to walk the halls Sunday, so she’s proven how strong she is in all of this.  She has the will inside of her, whereas at the beginning, we were wondering if she was going to pull all of her strength together to beat this.  Her fear of moving around after the surgery had her where she would not do a whole lot on her own.  However, after the rehabilitation staff came around to present literature on their facility to my parents, my dad had to really talk to my mother to let her know that ultimately it was up to her to have the will to get herself moving after surgery.  The other option was the rehab facility, which none of us wanted since it was more like a nursing home.  After hearing this, my mother started doing more for herself, which was a great relief to us all.

Prayer is a wonderful thing, and we appreciate everyone that has taken the time to pray for my mom.  Please continue, as we want her restored to health and able to return home to watching her “shows” and drinking her caffeine free diet coke.

Standing in the surgery holding room waiting for them to come get my mother, I found myself watching her every move.  I know she felt as if she was on display laying there in a semi upright position in her fashionable hospital gown.

The nurses had already been in to give her some medicine to help calm her nerves, as my father sat at her bedside.  I watched my parents holding hands and looking at each other.  You could see the love between them, although no words were being spoken.  It was hard for my dad to hide the troubled look on his face, but he tried to put on a brave front for my mother.

The time was quickly arriving for them to take her back for surgery, so my father and I gathered closer around to pray for her, the surgeon, and the entire staff that would be assisting my mother during her operation.   Then the crew came to whisk her away.  My dad and I exchanged loving words and hugs with my mother and tried to hold back our tears as they rolled her away.  We stood cemented in that very spot until long after my mother was rolled out of sight.  Neither of us could speak, so I just linked my arm in my father’s as I turned us both toward the exit to the family waiting room.  Once outside the surgery holding area, I excused myself so as not to further upset my father, who was holding on to the railing staring out the large glass windows of the hospital.

After spending quite some time sitting inside my vehicle sobbing while speaking with a friend, I was finally able to regain my composure.   Eventually, I returned to my father’s side in the family waiting area once more.  He seemed to be in a much better place emotionally as well, so the break did us good to each process our own feelings.

Four and a half hours is what they originally told us would be the duration of this extensive back surgery.  This step was necessary to end the pain my mother had been in for quite some time.  When shots and various other therapies hadn’t worked, this step was needed to avoid her being in a wheelchair for the rest of her life.  My mother said she told the doctor that she really didn’t have a choice in the matter then.  She felt she had to have the surgery because she did not want to live the rest of her life confined to a wheelchair.  That is what lead up to our gathering at the hospital that day.

After three hours, the nurse came out into the family waiting room to tell us that the doctor wanted to meet with us. She lead us to a long conference room with sterile looking arm chairs where we waited for his arrival.  Trying not to think the worst, I just prayed silently that everything was okay.  Finally, the doctor arrived to explain that things went well, she tolerated the surgery nicely, and he didn’t think she would have any problems.  What a relief!  Oh thank you God!

Fast forward to the next day …

My mom didn’t get to go home the following day as they originally planned.  They could not get her to wake up, and she developed a fever.  Her blood sugar levels were extremely high at 292, with her heart rate and blood pressure elevated as well.  My daughter went right away when she learned this and stayed by her grandmother’s side until I could get there.   My mother did finally wake up briefly, so my daughter was able to let me see my mom and my dad via Facetime.  What a huge relief that was to SEE her face and have her try to talk to me briefly before she went back out again.  When my daughter let me see my father’s face, I could see nothing but worry and anxiety all over him.  This isn’t what they expected to happen nor what any of us wanted.  Yet, it was what was taking place.

The doctors felt that she would eventually pull out of it, but during that time of hearing she was “unresponsive,” you couldn’t help but fear the worst while hoping for the best.  All you need is faith the size of a mustard seed, I kept reminding myself.

Arriving by my mother’s bedside to stand once more looking at her in her fashionable hospital gown, I couldn’t help but think of all the times she told us the same story repeatedly.  We would laugh and say, “Yes, you’ve told us this several times before …” and yet she would continue anyway just for us to smile back at her and almost be able to recite the story word for word since it was all too familiar.  It is times like these standing by her bedside as she’s hooked up to monitors with tubes here and there, with no one really expecting her to require being on oxygen either … when you wish for more.  Oh what I wouldn’t have given at that moment in time to hear those same stories on repeat.  Please, Mama, wake up now and tell me again all about what happened … please … my heart silently begged.

There’s a bible verse that others love to put right in the forefront of your mind when you’re going through troubled times.  It happened again just recently when I was struggling, although not telling others what was truly going on.  Honestly, after they’ve heard so much, they really don’t want to hear more.  They just think, “Oh poor unfortunate soul …” and move on being glad that it isn’t them going through it.

I get it.  No one wants to listen to “that” person going through trials and tribulations.  So, “that” person then withdraws within and does not speak of anything troubling them at all.  That can be good and bad.  It’s good because they focus on the only One that can do anything about what is troubling them; God.  And it is bad because when they truly need someone to be there for them, no one can be found.  This leaves the person who is already going through so much feeling isolated and alone; the very last thing they need at that moment in time.

Pictures plastered across Social Media tell quite a tale, don’t they?  And you’re left to wonder if this troubled soul is indeed troubled.  Or “living it up.”  No one knows but God.  Pictures can make it look all kinds of different ways.  Where is the truth?  It lies behind those eyes.

Rumors fly, and you just have to laugh because everyone thinks they “know.”  Others ask all around for answers to their inquiring minds.  Why would the answer matter?  Just nosey people being busy bodies wanting to spread your business around when they should really be dealing with matters in their own life, leaving you alone.

Ah, but that is the nature of the beast.  And curiosity killed the cat, don’t you know?

How about this?  We pray for one another.  Whether we know for “certain” what is going on, or whether we “think” we do, why not just bow our heads before our Heavenly Father and ask Him to bless them?

Why can’t we fall upon our knees asking God to help them, if we get one inkling that they might not be doing as well as they put on?

Or, keep that person in our thoughts, wishing them well along their path in life?

But to ask just for the guilty pleasure of “knowing” whether they’re truly struggling or happy in life … that is just the height of being human.  Every one wants to know someone else’s business when they should be tending to their own.

If, by chance, a rare soul offers assistance, the pride wells up and won’t allow it.  Why turn down someone willing to help?  For fear that at some point “repayment” will be expected or resentment will build on behalf of the giver.  And then they will think that the one they once gifted has taken advantage.  When that is far from the truth of the matter.

Assumptions – what do they do?  WE ALL KNOW … they make an A$$ out of you and me.

Yet, we assume we know so much.

And we hurt our own feelings with our thoughts that may not be based on truth.

How about take each day as it comes.  That is what I’ve been taught to do by life, itself.  There is no guarantee from one minute to the next on how things will go.  Sure, we want things normal and simple, but my life has been anything BUT that these past few years.

No one wants to hear about yet another procedure … or another test … or another anything.

And so you keep quiet and to yourself.

Others wag their tongues about you and think they KNOW …

And you leave them to their thoughts and gossip.

No more than we can bear.