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Light, Love, Hope

Light in the Darkness Surrounded by Love with Hope for those in need.

When You Wish For More

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Standing in the surgery holding room waiting for them to come get my mother, I found myself watching her every move.  I know she felt as if she was on display laying there in a semi upright position in her fashionable hospital gown.

The nurses had already been in to give her some medicine to help calm her nerves, as my father sat at her bedside.  I watched my parents holding hands and looking at each other.  You could see the love between them, although no words were being spoken.  It was hard for my dad to hide the troubled look on his face, but he tried to put on a brave front for my mother.

The time was quickly arriving for them to take her back for surgery, so my father and I gathered closer around to pray for her, the surgeon, and the entire staff that would be assisting my mother during her operation.   Then the crew came to whisk her away.  My dad and I exchanged loving words and hugs with my mother and tried to hold back our tears as they rolled her away.  We stood cemented in that very spot until long after my mother was rolled out of sight.  Neither of us could speak, so I just linked my arm in my father’s as I turned us both toward the exit to the family waiting room.  Once outside the surgery holding area, I excused myself so as not to further upset my father, who was holding on to the railing staring out the large glass windows of the hospital.

After spending quite some time sitting inside my vehicle sobbing while speaking with a friend, I was finally able to regain my composure.   Eventually, I returned to my father’s side in the family waiting area once more.  He seemed to be in a much better place emotionally as well, so the break did us good to each process our own feelings.

Four and a half hours is what they originally told us would be the duration of this extensive back surgery.  This step was necessary to end the pain my mother had been in for quite some time.  When shots and various other therapies hadn’t worked, this step was needed to avoid her being in a wheelchair for the rest of her life.  My mother said she told the doctor that she really didn’t have a choice in the matter then.  She felt she had to have the surgery because she did not want to live the rest of her life confined to a wheelchair.  That is what lead up to our gathering at the hospital that day.

After three hours, the nurse came out into the family waiting room to tell us that the doctor wanted to meet with us. She lead us to a long conference room with sterile looking arm chairs where we waited for his arrival.  Trying not to think the worst, I just prayed silently that everything was okay.  Finally, the doctor arrived to explain that things went well, she tolerated the surgery nicely, and he didn’t think she would have any problems.  What a relief!  Oh thank you God!

Fast forward to the next day …

My mom didn’t get to go home the following day as they originally planned.  They could not get her to wake up, and she developed a fever.  Her blood sugar levels were extremely high at 292, with her heart rate and blood pressure elevated as well.  My daughter went right away when she learned this and stayed by her grandmother’s side until I could get there.   My mother did finally wake up briefly, so my daughter was able to let me see my mom and my dad via Facetime.  What a huge relief that was to SEE her face and have her try to talk to me briefly before she went back out again.  When my daughter let me see my father’s face, I could see nothing but worry and anxiety all over him.  This isn’t what they expected to happen nor what any of us wanted.  Yet, it was what was taking place.

The doctors felt that she would eventually pull out of it, but during that time of hearing she was “unresponsive,” you couldn’t help but fear the worst while hoping for the best.  All you need is faith the size of a mustard seed, I kept reminding myself.

Arriving by my mother’s bedside to stand once more looking at her in her fashionable hospital gown, I couldn’t help but think of all the times she told us the same story repeatedly.  We would laugh and say, “Yes, you’ve told us this several times before …” and yet she would continue anyway just for us to smile back at her and almost be able to recite the story word for word since it was all too familiar.  It is times like these standing by her bedside as she’s hooked up to monitors with tubes here and there, with no one really expecting her to require being on oxygen either … when you wish for more.  Oh what I wouldn’t have given at that moment in time to hear those same stories on repeat.  Please, Mama, wake up now and tell me again all about what happened … please … my heart silently begged.

 

 

Understanding The Bible

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With lots of New Year Resolutions floating around, I wonder if any have resolved to dig deeper into the bible this year.  Do you set out with good intentions to read the Bible but get bogged down in the language, such as “he begot this person and that person begot that person” for an example?  I know I have really tried to set my mind to exploring and understanding the bible, but the verbiage gets me at times.  But there’s more to the Bible, and that is where this book comes in!

 

I was actually surprised how this book broke things down.  For example, we all know that the Bible consists of the Old Testament and the New Testament.  We probably all were taught in Sunday School that there are 66 total books of the Bible.  Maybe you even had to recite the books of the Bible like I had to growing up.  Well, this book takes it further in exploring the Old Testament, which goes from creation, through the life of Jewish people, and right on up to the time of Christ.  There are 39 books of the Bible in the Old Testament, with 28 authors writing over a span of two thousand years.  Did you know that?  I didn’t!  Further, the New Testament tells of the birth of Jesus, His life and ministry, and the ministry of His disciples that was carried on after His crucifixion.  There are 27 books of the Bible in the New Testament, with nine authors writing over a span of less than one hundred years.

This book goes a step further in explaining the Old Testament, with 17 historical, five poetical, and 17 prophetical books of the Bible.  Likewise, the New Testament is broken down into five historical, 13 Pauline Epistles to the churches, and nine General Epistles.

Interesting, right?!

You don’t have to try to absorb ALL of the bible in one sitting.  That’s virtually impossible.  Even if you could read it all in a day, you wouldn’t be able to comprehend it all.  With the aid of this book, however, you will gain more insight and understanding with just taking 15 minutes a day to devote to this cause.  Further, they have fill in the blank areas within the book so you can jog your memory on what you just learned as you go along.  This is done in an effort for you to retain the material later.

As I held this book in my hands, the first person I thought of was my father.  Through the years, his faith has really been tested and tried.  He’s gone from being a firm believer, to being on shaky ground after losing his oldest daughter so tragically.  Finally, after years of us praying over him, my dad was able to come to terms with his anger over the loss of his precious daughter and turn back to God.  In doing so, he tried to dive into the Bible to gain further understanding and comfort with the Word of God.  He began praying heartfelt, almost preacher-worthy prayers, which surprised us but comforted us at the same time.  This was the Godly man my heart knew, loved, and remembered from my childhood.  He has returned!

Knowing my father’s desire to learn more about the Bible, I presented him with a copy of this book as one of his Christmas gifts this past year.  He held it in his hands looking down at the cover, then slowly started thumbing through the pages.  I could tell it definitely stirred something within his soul, and then he spoke, “I have been wanting to learn more about the Bible, so this is going to really come in handy in the new year.”  

And my heart smiled.

Many thanks to Propeller Consulting, LLC for providing this book for my review.

No More Than We Can Bear

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There’s a bible verse that others love to put right in the forefront of your mind when you’re going through troubled times.  It happened again just recently when I was struggling, although not telling others what was truly going on.  Honestly, after they’ve heard so much, they really don’t want to hear more.  They just think, “Oh poor unfortunate soul …” and move on being glad that it isn’t them going through it.

I get it.  No one wants to listen to “that” person going through trials and tribulations.  So, “that” person then withdraws within and does not speak of anything troubling them at all.  That can be good and bad.  It’s good because they focus on the only One that can do anything about what is troubling them; God.  And it is bad because when they truly need someone to be there for them, no one can be found.  This leaves the person who is already going through so much feeling isolated and alone; the very last thing they need at that moment in time.

Pictures plastered across Social Media tell quite a tale, don’t they?  And you’re left to wonder if this troubled soul is indeed troubled.  Or “living it up.”  No one knows but God.  Pictures can make it look all kinds of different ways.  Where is the truth?  It lies behind those eyes.

Rumors fly, and you just have to laugh because everyone thinks they “know.”  Others ask all around for answers to their inquiring minds.  Why would the answer matter?  Just nosey people being busy bodies wanting to spread your business around when they should really be dealing with matters in their own life, leaving you alone.

Ah, but that is the nature of the beast.  And curiosity killed the cat, don’t you know?

How about this?  We pray for one another.  Whether we know for “certain” what is going on, or whether we “think” we do, why not just bow our heads before our Heavenly Father and ask Him to bless them?

Why can’t we fall upon our knees asking God to help them, if we get one inkling that they might not be doing as well as they put on?

Or, keep that person in our thoughts, wishing them well along their path in life?

But to ask just for the guilty pleasure of “knowing” whether they’re truly struggling or happy in life … that is just the height of being human.  Every one wants to know someone else’s business when they should be tending to their own.

If, by chance, a rare soul offers assistance, the pride wells up and won’t allow it.  Why turn down someone willing to help?  For fear that at some point “repayment” will be expected or resentment will build on behalf of the giver.  And then they will think that the one they once gifted has taken advantage.  When that is far from the truth of the matter.

Assumptions – what do they do?  WE ALL KNOW … they make an A$$ out of you and me.

Yet, we assume we know so much.

And we hurt our own feelings with our thoughts that may not be based on truth.

How about take each day as it comes.  That is what I’ve been taught to do by life, itself.  There is no guarantee from one minute to the next on how things will go.  Sure, we want things normal and simple, but my life has been anything BUT that these past few years.

No one wants to hear about yet another procedure … or another test … or another anything.

And so you keep quiet and to yourself.

Others wag their tongues about you and think they KNOW …

And you leave them to their thoughts and gossip.

No more than we can bear.

 

The Magic of Music

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I have been thinking about this quite a bit after seeing the movie Bohemian Rhapsody. For those of you that may not know about this movie, it is a loose biographical story of Freddie Mercury and the band Queen through their performance at the Live Aid concert in 1985 and to the untimely death of Freddie due to Aids. If you have never heard of Queen, I can guarantee you have heard at least one of their songs.

The part that stood out for me was the Live Aid concert sequence. I admit that I had never seen it before though I have been a fan of Queen from their early days. Queen was not in the original line-up of bands scheduled to play. When they were added to the show, tickets had already sold out. The crowd was there for groups like U2, David Bowie, Dire Straits and so on; not for Queen. I was so taken in with this part of the movie that I have watched the real performance on YouTube several times.

This is where you see the magic of music. During their performance the crowd of 80,000 at Wembley Stadium comes together and sings along to several of Queen’s songs. Music touches that hearts of all of us; even though some of us may not admit it. This was a perfect example of that. All those things that divide us in life were gone. There was only the music. Music unifying the diversity of the crowd.

Music can be a great healer to us when our hearts are troubled. Music can help to ease those times in our lives when things seem impossible to handle. Yet, using music like this is not something we think about and we should.

In the coming weeks and months, I will be relying on music more to help get through some very difficult times. I don’t have anyone that I can call anytime to help talk me through things any more. I will be relying on music to get me through. Just as it can for you too. When you are feeling down and lost; listen to some of your favorite songs that have brought joy into your heart.

Resolutions

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As it is New Year’s Eve, that time we say good-bye to the current year and welcome in the new year. It can be a time of reflection of things happening not only in the past year, but in years long past.

For some, it is a time for making resolutions. Those things we wish to make happen in our lives in the coming year. I have heard that people will resolve to do the diet they have been thinking about or save up for that special item they have always wanted. I have never really considered making resolutions because for me I have always felt I would have no ability to stick to them.

However, sitting here this evening and thinking about all that has and is happening in my life, I have found one thing that I resolve to do this coming year. I think a little background would be helpful before I disclose my “New Year’s Resolution.” I am the kind of person that gives of themselves for others. It is something that brings me joy and happiness. It is done with no expectation of anything in return except for a thank you. That is truly all that I need.

At times, I give of myself to the point of placing myself in rather precarious situations. It is always of my choice to do this and I have never regretted it. However, of late, I have been questioning myself as to whether I should be much more cautious in stepping up to offer help to others. I have run into certain situations where it feels that my generosity and caring for others is being taken advantage of. I could be wrong as I can only see one side of this, my side; but that doesn’t help to push that feeling away.

So, in 2019, I resolve to think before offering my help. As I write that, it sounds like of selfish. But we really need to take care of ourselves as well as taking care of others. I will still do what I have done over the years; just not as much anymore. I need to do a lot of things for myself that have been pushed to the wayside because of how much I help others.

As you go into this new year, I wish you love, health and happiness.

Happy New Year.

The Last Family Christmas

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We had our last family Christmas today. It was a nice gathering; good food, good fellowship. It is hard to accept that there won’t be a Christmas like this again. You see, my aunt, who has always brought us together each year won’t be here next year. She was diagnosed with cancer in multiple areas last Thursday.

We didn’t dwell on that today. We just enjoyed having everyone around the dinner table chatting about this and that. Then we played games as we always do every holiday; laughing and carrying on as if what we know is inevitable wasn’t going to happen. But deep inside we know it is. We just enjoyed the moment and made more memories for us to have in our hearts for the years to come.

As you celebrate with your families the birth of Jesus, I hope that you had a joyous and wonderful day filled with love and memories for you to treasure in the years to come as we did today. Those that have passed on are never gone; they are always in our hearts each and every day whether we realize it or not.

Merry Christmas.

Baby On The Way

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Our family has been beside ourselves with happiness ever since we found out we have a baby on the way!  Our happiness was dashed for a few weeks, and I’m not going to lie, depression crept in when we heard what no one wants to hear.  They suspected something may be wrong with our little bundle of joy.  Sadness swept over us, and tears fell like rain.  We prayed with all of our might, and then we waited for the testing to be done and for the results.

We were referred to a specialist in a big town, which was intimidating for us country bumpkins. However, we managed to find our way, not without a few wrong turns and feeling like a fish out of water in this town we knew nothing about.  Frustrations were running high as we finally reached the doctor’s office for the ultrasound.  Once inside, we waited for the tech to complete the extensive 2D ultrasound, and we did have a few moments of pure joy as we watched the baby on the screen flip and turn in Mommy’s tummy.  We smiled, we laughed, and we were overjoyed in those moments.

Then more waiting …

The tech needed ten minutes to transcribe for the doctor, and then the doctor would come right in to meet with us.  We sat there nervously trying to talk about anything to keep our minds occupied.  Silently I prayed to myself between grasping at any conversation material we could think of.

Just then you could hear footsteps outside the door and a hand on the knob as it turned to reveal a short middle-aged African American woman smiling back at us.  She greeted us, then went immediately to the ultrasound machine where she did a few more things of her own as we watched in silence wondering what was found.

A few minutes went by, but they felt like hours as we waited for her to speak.  When she did begin speaking, she asked why we were referred to her.  I explained that they saw something suspicious on the ultrasound in the doctor’s office, and they suspected the baby might have Down Syndrome.  The doctor asked if we had blood testing done, and we explained that we were awaiting the results and that the doctor indicated it would take the 2D ultrasound AND the bloodwork to make the final determination.  With that taken into consideration, the doctor paused for a moment, then said that everything looked good as far as she could tell, and she did not see any cause for concern.  They offered further testing, which my niece declined.  The doctor inserted her clause before letting us exit, “However, it would still take the bloodwork and the 2D ultrasound together to confirm.” 

A wave of relief filled the room and washed over ALL of us as “Thank God” escaped my lips.

We almost danced out of the doctor’s office that day.  Surely we were floating on a big, white, fluffy cloud as high up as you could see with your naked eye, right?  Because it sure felt that way!

What WONDERFUL NEWS!!!

WE jumped ONE hurdle – like a horse trotting and breaking into a gallop right before he reaches the poles, and up, up, and away he goes launching himself right over and onto the other side …

Now to receive the bloodwork results …

And within a few days, those came in, and once again we were rejoicing because the bloodwork did NOT reveal the extra chromosome that would have indicated Down Syndrome.

Our hearts leaped for joy and our souls danced over the moon with this news.  Our little baby was going to be just fine.  Praises, praises, and more praises to God above!

We can finally move on to happier days ahead!!

 

 

Beloved

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Beloved, by Tenth Avenue North, is the song that came to mind when I saw this daily devotional book.  I hummed the tune and sang the words in my head as I picked up this little book and thumbed through it.

It’s a daily devotional for young women, which would be perfect encouragement for my 14-year-old daughter, I thought.

And then I turned right to this page …

I began to think of my daughter expressing how she stood up for one of her friends recently.  When I picked her up, she hopped in, pulled on her seatbelt and began to tell me all about an injustice that had been served to her friend by a fellow classmate.   With concern in her voice at first, it later turned to determination when she told me of how she stood up for her.  She stepped out and used what power she possessed to right a wrong that had been done to her dear friend.  She has such passion within her soul and wants people to be nice to each other and extend kindness.  When that doesn’t happen, she is one of the first to stand up for them, and it’s a trait that others should have in this world!

My daughter isn’t always as bold as she was in that situation.  Often times, she’s self-conscious and afraid to use her voice, feeling frightened to do so with adults.  Yet, a lot of times those are the very ones that need to hear wisdom from the younger generation!   I’m afraid she feels as if she doesn’t have a lot to add to the conversation being so young, but that is where she’s wrong as she is wise beyond her years!

As I held this book in my hands, I thought of the power it possesses to encourage young women like my daughter.  What’s more, it lets them know they are loved by Almighty God, which is something we all need a reminder, especially on hard days.

My daughter had a daily devotional book I gave her some years ago, and it delighted my heart to find her sitting cross-legged on her bed reading it.   Several years have passed, and she’s grown into a beautiful long legged gorgeous young woman with long flowing golden/auburn hair.  While she obsesses about getting her eyebrows drawn on “just right” to show expression, it is my hope that this daily devotional will comfort her in times when boys pick at her about such silly things as those very eyebrows.  Boys can be so mean and immature at times.  So what if she’s the only girl in the class that draws on her eyebrows.  Perhaps she’s the only one that has a sister with a cosmetology license, so maybe they wouldn’t know about perfecting the art of drawing on your eyebrows or what eyeshadow pallet is the latest craze.  She does, though, so why pick at her for her love of makeup at such a young age?  Let her BE …

Yes … let her be … ENCOURAGED by the words found in this daily devotional.

Let her be … LOVED … and shown through scripture that God above does love her completely and unconditional.

OH yes, let her be … CONFIDENT to speak up for others and know that her little voice matters!   Let her know that it matters so much that she’s speaking out and speaking up for those who may be shy and unwilling to speak up for themselves.

Dear Lord, let her be … a shining example of your love to others in this world, as she uses this daily devotional as a tool in her life.

Many thanks to Propeller Consulting, LLC for providing this daily devotional for me to review on my blog!

 

Deep

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A thousand words

will not leave

so deep an impression

as one deed.

~Henrik Ibsen

 

Words can sometimes comfort in a time of great difficulty, but they cannot heal the heartache or pain one feels.  If you spring into action, though, and do something … that is where you leave your mark.

Often times, people say, “Let me know if I can help …” or “Let me know if you need anything.”  They are well meaning words, but it falls short of actions that can be taken instead.

Bring a meal by, or take someone out for a nice treat to lift their spirits.

Days after losing a loved one when everyone has returned to their normal schedule, reassure the family by way of a card that you’re still thinking of them and praying for them.

Call or text – all that is needed is a brief reminder that they are on your mind.

Those are just a few things you can actually do to help … but nothing will take the pain away.  Only God can heal a broken heart.  You can stay close to them and extend your hand, and pray for God to do the rest.

 

As Joy Returns

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Our family has faced a heck of a lot recently.  We’re not immune to it; no one is.  You just don’t expect it to happen to you.  Yet, here it is.

We managed to push aside the depressing news and try to have a nice Thanksgiving.  Realizing that we can’t do anything about certain situations, we can only pray, we strived to enjoy the day with family.

My family arrived Thursday for the noon meal, and we said a prayer of thanksgiving as we prepared to enjoy the feast before us.  We laughed, we loved, we enjoyed each other’s company.

After the meal, we settled in to attempt to watch a movie.  The food coma consumed us, and before we knew it, everyone in the room had fallen asleep at different points.

That afternoon we were scheduled to have a gender reveal party, but the less than favorable results from the ultrasound changed our plans.  Instead, we had a “Thankful For Baby and Mama” party, and we were delighted when several of my niece’s friends attended.

We took pictures, she opened presents we had for her, and a good time was had by all.

Friday morning, my niece called and so we invited her and her boyfriend over for another day of food and fun.  The day was nearly perfect … until tragedy struck.

At around 9:45 p.m. we received a life altering phone call from my ex husband’s family.  They were seeking my oldest daughter’s work phone number to deliver tragic news that her brother had passed away.  I knew my daughter would not take it well, so delivering this type of news over the phone was not an option.  I set out to deliver the news in person when she got off work in a town an hour and 15 minutes away.

We drove almost completely in silence the entire way there.  Dread filled our entire spirits as we approached her place of employment.  We waited for her to walk to her car as the rain began to fall.  I love seeing her face smiling back at me, but that night, she was surprised to see us, of course, as one can imagine.  I did not want to hit her with the news immediately, so I tried to small talk as I walked her to our vehicle where I ushered her in to take a seat.  Her beautiful blue eyes grew wider with concern and surprise.  As she was seated, I tried to break the news as gently as possible, but there is no easy way to relay this kind of news.  I placed my hand on her arm, looked into her eyes, and spoke as softly as I could knowing the blow those words would deliver.  She sat in shock, then began to shake, and finally dissolved into tears.

My heart broke right there right along with hers.  A mother strives to shelter her children from hurt and pain, but here it was washing over her and crashing into her.  The pain those words brought are unlike anything she’s ever felt before, I’m sure.

Her brother passed away.

He was only 19 years old.

Gone way too soon.

No one can grasp why something like this has to happen.  There are a million questions but no answers this side of Heaven.

I’ve tried to stay close to my daughter during this time.  We went to see her dad’s side of the family Saturday and spent a great deal of time with them.  Her dad and step-mom had just returned from making the funeral arrangements as we waited with the rest of his family.  Not knowing how that was going to go, I still pushed everything aside for my daughter.  Thankfully, they were nice, and we all greeted with hugs.  I was a part of that family for years, and although we’ve been divorced more years than we were married, I was thankful for not feeling like a complete outsider.  They were once my family, too, and we spent so much time together during the years I was married to my ex.

Before we went to leave, my ex-husband walked out on the patio with my daughter and I.  We stood there for a brief minute talking as he became emotional.  He was saying how he hoped we could let things of the past go.  That is what I’ve been trying to do for years.  Grudges were being held, but not by me or else I wouldn’t have been there the entire afternoon/evening with them.  As he began to get emotional, my daughter slipped her arms around her father.  I walked closer to them and hugged them both.  They were once my little family … just the three of us … and emotions were so high at that point remembering and thinking of what once was and should have been to what was happening at the present time mourning this great loss of a once vibrant soul with a sparkling smile that would light up a room.  Then I gave my daughter and her father a few minutes alone while I returned to my vehicle.

Reunited.

My daughter was reunited with her dad and his family.  It is a shame that a tragedy occurred for this to happen. Choices were made on both sides and hearts were hardened before.  Yet, now stands before them a chance to begin again.

As joy returns, it’s tainted by the tragedy and the intense grief.

We surround the family with prayers as they face this week.  An autopsy was performed, and now the family awaits today to visits with him alone at the funeral home.  Tomorrow they will receive friends at the visitation, and Thursday will be incredibly hard for them all as they bury this beautiful soul along with all the hopes and dreams they held close to their hearts for his future.

May God comfort as only He can at this most difficult time.

 

 

Bad Day

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Yesterday was a really bad day for me.  I went to the bathroom and just cried while I was at work.  After reapplying my makeup, I went back to my desk to try to act normal for the remainder of the day.  I felt anything but “normal.”  I felt crushed, devastated, like I was left to pick up the shattered pieces of my life … alone.

What in the world could possibly have me feeling this way?

My precious niece is pregnant, and we have been overjoyed.  I have attended her doctor visits with her, and last Thursday we went for what was supposed to be a gender reveal ultrasound.  At 14 weeks and four days, they said we’d know the sex of the baby.  We went with great anticipation only to learn that not only could we not determine the sex of the baby just yet, something was suspicious and seemed wrong.  So wrong that the doctor ordered blood work and a 2D ultrasound with a specialist.

OH GOD!

We rushed back into the doctor’s office the very next morning, which is a 30 minute drive for her and a two hour drive for me. I prayed silently just about the entire way there.

At the doctor’s office, they seated us in the doctor’s office … as in chairs in front of his official desk, with the nurse closing the door behind her on the way out, as we waited nervously for his arrival.  My niece looked at me with eyes wide and this extreme look on her face as she said, “This can’t be good.”  The feeling of dread filled my body.

The doctor arrived with news that they suspected something was wrong with the baby due to the size of the brain on the ultrasound.  There were other things he felt were suspicious enough to warrant further investigation.  He speculated that it could be Down Syndrome or something else, but he wanted to do the testing to be certain.

My niece gasped when he said those words.  And she crumbled as I held her.

I sat there feeling like a truck just rammed into me.

Quickly we tried to regain our composure and ask questions, but there are no definitive answers at this point.  So we wait … we wait for the call on the results of the blood work, and we wait on the call for the ultrasound to be scheduled.  Since it is Thanksgiving week, no one is in a hurry to do anything, except for us.

But yesterday all of this weight came crashing down … I was virtually in tears all day any way, but something happened right after lunch to cause a waterfall of tears at work.  I hate it when that happens, and there is no faucet to turn off.  It just keeps running and running until you feel like the well will run dry, yet there’s more tears.

It made me think of Carrie Underwood’s song, Cry Pretty.  There is absolutely NO way in this world that you can look remotely pretty when you’re crying, and yesterday I looked like a train wreck during and after.

I allowed myself to feel this for a while … and I’m not going to lie.  It was the better part of the day that I felt this way.  But as it neared the time for me to get my youngest daughter from school, I tried to push all of that aside so it did not alarm her when she slid into the vehicle.  She took one look at me, though, and knew something was wrong.

I made a decision not to stay in that frame of mind, though.  For her … and for me.  Instead, we went home, fed the horses, goats, and other animals we have on our farm, and headed to do something to lift our spirits.

We went to visit my father-in-law, but we decided not to call ahead.  This is rude, I know, but I wanted to surprise him and hoped that it would be a welcomed surprise.

I pulled into his driveway, slipped out of the vehicle and walked under his carport unnoticed.  I could see him in there at the bar in the kitchen, so this was perfect to capture his reaction when he saw who was ringing his doorbell.  I think it was a nice surprise, indeed, and we were welcomed with a warm hug, albeit with a shocked look on his face.

My daughter enjoys riding on the golf cart, so my husband got it out and down the road the three of us went.  My father-in-law decided he’d rather watch television, so he declined the offer for us to all go.  He told us to go have fun.

Fun?

That was not in the equation earlier in the day.  After crumbling to pieces and bawling my eyes out holding on to the sink in the bathroom at work … fun is the very last thing I thought would be happening that evening.  Yet, I made a decision to do something instead of wallowing in how I felt.   It would have been sooooo incredibly easy to just stay right there in that moment and allow those feelings to linger all … day … long.  But I couldn’t let it take over like that.

We rode the golf cart, and then when night fell, we went to this neat little seafood restaurant on the side of the road.  It’s a place I have passed so many times on my journey to another town, and I hadn’t given that “dive” a second glance … until yesterday.  My father-in-law raved about this restaurant, so I knew it couldn’t be that bad.  I decided to give it a try.  It didn’t appear more than just a “greasy spoon” from the outside, with the exterior needing some work.  However, once you walked inside, you were greeted with a friendly smile, and you couldn’t help but notice all of the décor which made you feel just like you were standing on a beach some where looking out.  The food did not disappoint either, and we left full and feeling better about things.

We’re still waiting on the blood work and the ultrasound.  Nothing has changed there.  I still had a very bad day at work, which “sucked” if you want to know the truth.  But I did not unpack and live there.

Even my husband mentioned how I taught him a valuable lesson last night.  I sat there wondering how that was possible.  I didn’t lecture.  I didn’t give a speech.  I didn’t even try to sound convincing at all in my conversation.  Instead, I felt more defeated than anything so I was more quiet than usual.  Yet, he learned something from me?

HOW?

He said I surprised him with how I picked myself up and decided to do something to improve my mood.  I didn’t wallow in it.  Instead, I decided to get my mind off of the bad things that were threatening to steal my joy or HAD stolen it that day.  I spent time with my family trying to laugh and have a good time with them.  I allowed them to embrace me and speak softly to me.  He said I not only left an impression on him, but he felt sure my daughter saw it, too.

And that, my friend, is the message I’d like for you to take with you as well.

Life isn’t always going to be “perfect” no matter how much we plaster our picture perfect lives on Facebook, Instagram, or other social media.  Things happen in life that shake us to our core.  Yes, we are to allow ourselves to feel because we are human beings, not robots.  We aren’t programmed to be uncaring and emotionless.  It is okay to have a good cry!   Some times we need that to reset things once we let these feelings out.  Then get up, wash your face, look at yourself in the mirror and declare that you will rise up!  You will continue to be a warrior!  You have it in you, just like I do.  Believe that things will get better.  They HAVE to.

If you have love in your life, family and friends by your side, you are blessed.  The situation might suck.  And if anyone has been through situations in life that really just blow … it’s me.  I thought about writing all of it out here, but I don’t want to “re-live” all of that.  Instead, I want to just focus on now and what we can take away from this situation.

Get out there and find something to enjoy in the day.  Find a bright spot.  If you can’t find one, MAKE one with your family.  Try to force a smile and drag yourself out of your chair or your bed and DO something … pet an animal … turn on music … go for a walk … OR go for a ride on your father-in-law’s golf cart.

Pretty soon you will realize that situation or those situations don’t define every single thing in your life. It’s bad what is happening at the moment, but the moment will pass.  It may feel like a kidney stone up to the point and when it’s actually passing … but this, too, shall pass.

 

I Love You

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I grew up in a family where we said, “I love you,” often.  No matter if we spoke on the phone ten times a day, we always ended every phone call this way.

Parting ways for a short while?   Yep, a hug and the words “I love you” were necessary.

I have carried this over to my own little family now, and I make sure to tell my family this often.

They are only three small little words, but oh the meaning behind them!

It has always been important to me to say those words, but it goes further than that.  I hope that those in my presence feel my love for them; in the things I do, the way I carry myself around them, and in how I care for them.  That, to me, is one of the most important things in life is to make sure your loved ones know without  shadow of a doubt how important they are to you and how much they mean to you!

We never know what will happen in the seconds after our loved ones close the door and begin to walk away from the car or the house.  Will it be a regular, normal day when they will return home at the same appointed hour they usually do?  We hope so!  But then working in the line of business that I do, we see tragedy strike at any moment.  No one is immune to it.  Our loved ones could be snatched right from our lives so fast, and nothing will ever be the same again.  That is why I stress to EVERY one around me to be certain you speak those words straight from your heart and show your loved ones how you feel!

Don’t reserve those words or your actions for a special occasion.  Every day we wake up in the morning, open our eyes, and breathe in … that’s when you should begin your day by striving to ensure your loved ones know how you feel about them.

Friends that say, “I love you,” before they hang up are also so very important.  This isn’t just reserved for family members.  Oh no.  I have a friend in Arizona that ALWAYS makes sure to tell me, as well as a friend in California that will say it each and every time as well.   These two ladies are so dear to my heart, and I smile each time they say it.  We are always so happy to hear from the other, so our conversations begin with joy, yes … and then they end with joy in our hearts as well when those words are spoken.

My daughters, no matter how old they get, will be told repeatedly how much they mean to me … whether it’s “cool” for their friends, coworkers, or strangers passing by to hear or not.  (Flash back to my teenagers seeming mortified in front of others, but I didn’t seem to mind.  I did it anyway!)

“I love you.”

Three powerful words that have the ability to improve someone’s mood immediately, have a smile plastered on the recipient’s face, create butterflies stirring in their very soul, and/or at times may send tingles down to their toes.

Speak those words often, but make sure to show it as well!

 

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