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Light, Love, Hope

Light in the Darkness Surrounded by Love with Hope for those in need.

An Unexpected Christmas Present

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The moment we’ve been waiting for has finally arrived.

“Shirley, when will you finish this pack of pills?”

“Thursday, and I will need another pack.”

“Well, your insurance finally approved your surgery … and I have an opening Friday.”

PAUSE

“Um …” nervous laughter … “This Friday?”

“Yes, that is all I have available.  Would you like to schedule your surgery for that day?”

Another pause, as inside I’m screaming “OH MY GOSH – CHRISTMAS IS MONDAY!!!” before finally responding again.

“Sure … “

I sat there in disbelief as the nurse proceeded to tell me that they just received notice of the long-awaited insurance’s approval.  She talked of appointments, procedures, pre-op, post op, scheduling with the hospital.  Meanwhile, my head was swimming, and I could feel the anxiety building in my chest.

After scheduling all the necessary pre-op appointments, I placed the phone down for a moment and just sat there in silence.  Then, I called my husband, who seemed even more upset than I was.

Why did we react this way when we wanted the surgery?  For months we have tried to persuade the insurance company, and we have fought them tooth and nail the entire time.  Now, finally after three months, they approve!  Why this reaction?  Because it’s major surgery, with possible risks and complications … and quite frankly, the fear of the unknown SCARES US!

I have received an unexpected Christmas present this year.

This week has been filled with appointments, anxiety meds, pep talks to my husband (and myself), reassuring my children, and doing a LOT of praying!

Would you please take a moment out of your time to say a prayer for me, as I go through this Friday at 10:45 a.m.?  Please also pray for the doctor, nurses, anesthesiologist, and basically each and every person on the medical team that will be tending to me?  Thank you in advance from the bottom of my heart!

I realize this is major surgery.  I have known that for quite some time, but it was concreted in my mind today as the doctor went through every detail of the procedure.  I was informed of the risks and pray I do not have any thing bad happen to me before, during or after the surgery.  I have two children that need me, and I pray that God allows me many, many, many more years on this earth with them!

Thank you for taking the time to read this and pray, if you will, for a little ole Southern girl who is trying not to shake in her boots over here.

I’m clinging to Jeremiah 29:11 and the knowledge, too, that God is the ultimate physician.  He is in control, and I know He will have His hands on me and on the surgeon guiding his every move so that everything goes smoothly.  I have confidence in this doctor, and my faith in God is strong as well.

This unexpected Christmas gift will, hopefully, enable me to have much better days ahead and be in good health as we will soon be ringing in 2018.

 

 

Adored

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She sits in the dark brown leather recliner, book in hand, totally engrossed in the daily devotional reading.  Every morning has started this way since giving her the Adored daily devotional.  Many times before, she picked up my devotional books and flipped through them.  Now she has her very own that speaks to her heart and is specifically for her age group.

Is there a special little one in your life that needs to hear the message as brought forth in this daily devo?  Wouldn’t it just thrill your heart to find your child, pre-teen, or teenager reading this book all on their own and not just because you’ve asked them to?

The thing is, she hasn’t just picked this book up once and then lost interest.  This has been a book she’s continued to go to in the mornings.

What a way to start the day!

Special thanks to Fly By Production/Propeller for this precious gift that my daughter has come to adore!  How appropriately titled … how she feels, the message the book relays to her, and the devotional entitled Adored 365.

 

#MeToo

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I said I wasn’t going to address this topic since it’s been all over the news, radio, and talk shows!  I didn’t want to join them, but here I sit typing these words on my laptop.  Why?  Because in the mist of all of this that has come to light recently, especially with talk of Matt Lauer, someone pointed the question directly at me,

“Shirley, have you ever been sexually harassed at work?”

I paused for a moment because I honestly just wanted to forget it ever happened.  I didn’t want to “re-live” it, yet I didn’t want to blatantly lie to this person either.  I took a deep breath before I continued answering,

“Yes, I have.” 

They turned all the way around as if they were completely shocked and just stared at me as they asked,

“Really?!”  

The surprised look on their face was strictly because they knew my former employer and who was “in charge” at that facility.  He asked if I ever reported the sexual harassment, but I told him that another situation was brought to the executive director’s attention, yet nothing was done!  Therefore, I knew nothing would be done about that situation either.  I worked within the “good ole boy” system, and the two individuals that crossed the line at work had been employed there for years longer than I at that point.  I knew those individuals were tighter with those in charge and the higher-ups would side with them.  So, instead of putting in a formal sexual harassment complaint against them both, I decided to spare myself the agony of describing the unwelcome advances and encounters.  I left that job that threatened to steal my sanity with all I had to endure, and it was my hope to leave that nightmare behind.

My husband was not fully aware of what took place behind those walls in small offices.  The desks were positioned in such a way that you were trapped once someone came into your office, blocking the only entrance and exit.

It started with uninvited comments, at first.  Then, knowing they were at an advantage when you were trapped behind that desk, they would get extremely too close for comfort.  After invading my personal space, they decided to push their luck even more with the uninvited hugs.  To say it was uncomfortable and provoked extreme anxiety within me is an understatement!  I felt like I was always on edge while at work, and it was always on my mind after hours on how to avoid being alone in my office with them behind closed doors!  The best thing I ever did was leave that job!

I did not publicly post #MeToo on my personal social media page because I didn’t want to be known as “that” person.  I didn’t want people to question why I didn’t report it back then, as it’s been five years ago now.  I also didn’t want to be on trial for what I may have done, in some people’s minds, to invite the advances.  There is a lot of victim blaming and shaming that goes on, which makes the person feel 100 times worse than they already do!  First of all, no one should ever have to endure any type of bullying or sexual harassment PERIOD, but especially in the work place!  Secondly, it isn’t the victim’s fault that someone tried to take advantage!  I wasn’t wearing inappropriate cleavage showing clothing or dresses that hardly covered leaving nothing to the imagination.  Instead, I was very conservative with my clothing, and I was not someone who flirted.  I was actually the opposite and was known as “Miss Goody Two Shoes.”

My point in sharing this today is to let you know that I’ve been there.  I did not invite the advances, nor did I enjoy them at all.  When I saw what management allowed or turned a blind eye to, I knew I had to get out of that toxic and unhealthy work environment!  It wasn’t my fault.  I didn’t do anything to encourage it.  And I got OUT before it went from sexual harassment to sexual assault!

If you have been affected by someone doing something against your wishes, I want you to know that you are not alone!  It is not your fault!  And you will find nothing but compassion here!

 

 

Thanksgiving 2017

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Families are flying in or driving great distances to be with the ones they love on this day, Thanksgiving 2017.  Our friend-of-the-family for 20 years drove all the way from Illinois this week, and while he didn’t solely do so to visit with us for Thanksgiving, he is, indeed, joining us on this holiday.  We’ve been a part of each other’s lives for so long, we’re family.  Almost like nails in a house that have been a part of the structure from the very beginning, that is how it feels here with our friendship.  Friends turned into family.  That is a better description, for they are the family we choose for ourselves.

Some folks have started the 30 days of Thanksgiving, where they share what they are grateful for each day for the entire month of November.  This is a great exercise to get people to focus on how good they have it, instead of focusing on the negatives that run so prominently through our minds at times.

What are you truly grateful for?

For me, I cannot adequately put into words the love, appreciation, and thankfulness I have in my heart for my family.  My two blonde haired, blue-eyed daughters, who are my heart, soul, and reason for living; my parents, who didn’t have much when we were growing up but gave us all they had and guided us on the right path; my sister, who I miss with all my soul and would do anything to have her here with me now; my husband, who isn’t perfect (and neither am I) but works hard to provide for our family and comes home to massage my feet nightly because he knows how much I enjoy it; for my daughter’s boyfriend, who restored her faith in relationships and showed her what it means to be loved; and for my family of choice, the ones I choose to welcome into my home, into my heart, and into my life.  My heart is grateful as I extend this to my work family as well; the ones I see day in and day out, who share laughter, as well as tears, with me inside the walls of that office.  They have no idea how grateful I am for them.  We pick at each other relentlessly at times, but deep in my heart, there is a great love and appreciation for my work family.

Health.  We often times take this for granted, until we are forced to face an ordeal where our health and happiness is threatened.  Then we realize how precious our health is, and we strive to safeguard it and protect it to the best of our ability.

My animals.  They are my little furry (or feathered) therapists who calm my troubled heart, soothe my nerves, and provide unconditional love.  From my 1200 pound quarter horses, with their fluffy winter coats just starting to come in, to my ever demanding two-pound dog that insists on being in my lap with her 11 pound sister fighting for my undivided attention, to my yellow and white Cockatiel with the orange dot on his face, they are all precious to me and provide unconditional love and are always so happy to see me no matter if I’ve been gone five hours or five minutes.

The beauty that surrounds us.  The ever-changing leaves of Fall; the sky God uses as a canvas for His masterpieces we call Sunrises and Sunsets; waterfalls cascading down the side of a mountain; all the things we rush around without noticing the majority of the time, but oh how it would speak to our souls if we would slow down enough to appreciate them more!

These are just a few of the things my heart is grateful for on this Thanksgiving 2017.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your beautiful family!  May God pour out His blessings upon you all!

 

Letters of Gold

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As I was getting ready for work one morning, my daughter slipped into my room and picked up the blue “box” to see what was inside.  I watched her expressions from across the room as I put my makeup on.  Soon realizing this wasn’t just any ole “box,” she slid the content of the “box” into her hands.  Turning it over, almost seeing the oohs and aahs on her face, she realized she now held a bible in her hands.  This wasn’t just any bible, though, as it appeared to be one made for royalty with letters of gold on thick pages lined with as equally striking gold edges.

Having received the bible a few days before her grand discovery, I had already had time to carefully turn the pages to reveal artwork and special verses along the margins.  As she began to flip the pages, she commented about how beautiful this bible truly was.  I asked her if she would like to have it for her very own, but she quickly responded with, “Oh, I can’t … I would mess this bible up by highlighting and writing all in the margins!”    She was quite surprised when I responded, “That’s what it’s made for.  Notice the extra room in the margins for you to make your own notes or for you to draw your own artwork. It’s perfectly okay to do this in THIS bible!”

A shocked look came forth upon those words exiting my lips, as she could not believe she was actually allowed to write in this bible; in fact, it was encouraged!  In the past, it was almost like you were defacing the bible or God’s words He spoke if you were to dare write in the bible.  Yet, I remember my grandmother’s bible with the cover worn, with her handwriting all inside of it, along the margins and any which way she could get the words on the page.  She’d reflect on the passage of scripture the preacher’s sermon was on that particular day, or she’d write special prayers inside of her bible for her family.

It’s the holiday season, and can you imagine someone’s face lighting up feeling as if they were truly royalty when they open this bible? This breathtakingly beautiful blue and gold covered bible, with gold letters leaping off the thick, creme colored pages speaking straight to our hearts, is available for purchase by clicking here for the Illuminated Bible. 

What a precious gift for your loved ones!

I keep thinking about reading the bible that speaks of the King of Kings and all the treasures in Heaven, and I imagine the streets of pure gold … thoughts brought forth by this bible so eloquently decorated with artwork.

Special thanks to #FlyByProductions for providing me with a copy and allowing me to review the #ESVIlluminatedBible.

 

 

Excuse

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As the weather turns colder, we seem to get more calls in our line of business.  Providing individualized care to each family we serve is our top priority.  In doing so, it requires us to be available during evening hours, overnight, as well as on weekends.

This particular weekend, I worked Saturday and Sunday to help assist with services and with the families.  Sunday, we were so busy that we didn’t get lunch until 3:15 p.m.

As we sat in the front office eating lunch, a lady appeared in my doorway.  Inside, I cringed, as our previous encounter was less than desirable.  This lady had gotten upset due to a misunderstanding, and she really showed out in my office a few months back.  I tried to handle this adversity with grace, but the kinder and more apologetic I was, over an error that wasn’t even mine, the harsher and more verbally abusive she became!    As you can imagine, after 15 minutes of taking this, I finally told her that I did not deserve to be beat over this.

Our confrontation from months ago remained fresh in my mind, but I smiled and said, “Hey there, come on in.”  She smiled back at me as she walked closer to my desk.  She paused for a moment before she began.

“I’m so glad you’re here.  I wanted to come apologize to you face to face for my behavior a few months ago.  I’m sure you remember.  I don’t know what came over me, I’m normally not like that, and I apologize.  There was no excuse for my behavior, and I am very sorry.” 

Wow!

I did not even hesitate when I said, “That really means a lot to me.  Thank you so much.”

My boss, needing to be present for the next service and also feeling more than a little uncomfortable at that point, excused himself at that time.

I rose from my chair as I added, “I smell like food, but I’m going to hug you!”

As I placed my arms around her shoulders, I could feel her become emotional in my embrace.  As I pulled away and smiled at her, tears filled her eyes as she said again, “I am truly sorry.” 

We talked for a few minutes more before she turned to leave, pausing once more to say again how sorry she was.  I tried to reassure her that everything was okay, and all was forgiven.

After she left, my boss made his way back to the office.  A wide smile formed across his red, wind chapped face, as he said, “Shirley … a few months ago when she was in here, you extended grace even when she was not seemingly deserving of it.  What you did was just like in the bible.  When you face adversity and yet extend grace, it is like heaping hot coals onto their heads.  That is what you did, and it bothered her all this time!” 

Then he turned on his heels and headed back to the service.

 

 

Silence

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Sometimes when you’re going through hard things in life, your friends simply cannot handle it.  Maybe you’re too much for them.  Maybe they expect sunshine and rainbows, but you’re cloudy on most days due to everything you’re dealing with.  If they only want you around when you’re smiling and happy, then they aren’t the friends for you.  Realistically, no one will be smiling and happy 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.  If someone expects this from you, RUN!!!!!

I want real friends.

The type that will rally around you on your darkest days, holding you up if need be, but never letting you think for one minute that you have to face this alone.

Real friends who dry your tears and some times cry with you.

Friends who wrap their arms around you and let you know that it’s going to be okay. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.  But at some point, things are going to get better!

I do not want “friends” that are only in this for what they can gain.  An example is a male “friend” trying to “be there” for me in hopes that he’ll “score” at some point.  No, I’m sorry, but THAT is, first of all, uncalled for, and secondly, NOT being a FRIEND at all!!!  While I believe that some men can actually be friends with women, not all are seeking friendship!  That has been made painfully clear to me by a person making suggestive remarks on how we could “get down” after the surgery.  This should come as no surprise, though, as they’re constantly posting inappropriate pictures and sexual related material on their pages.

I also do not want “friends” who are only interested in gathering information so they can gossip about me. I have little desire to be the topic of conversation or your bashing sessions.

Silence.

That’s what is felt when you realize your so-called-friends are not really and truly what you need in life.

Maybe they fall silent hoping you’ll run after them.  Once you notice they’ve withdrawn, maybe they’re hoping you’ll prove how much you want this friendship by chasing after them to come back, be the friend you need … but that isn’t a true friend either, especially when you’re already going through so much!  Why should you have to chase after someone at a time like this?  You shouldn’t!

LET THEM GO!!!

Or maybe you’re the one that has fallen silent, feeling as if they aren’t the ones you need in your corner anyway due to the lack of compassion and understanding they’ve exhibited thus far.

I’ll admit, I’ve been the one recently to fall silent with a few people.  And I do not feel bad about it.

I’ve gone on and on about so-called-friends.  Now allow me to share regarding the real friends in my life.

I’ve been completely humbled by the outpouring of love and prayers from a few select people who had an inside look into what I’ve been struggling with.  These people prayed for me, genuine, heartfelt prayers from their lips to God’s ears begging for some relief of what I’ve been going through.  They went further from prayers and checking in with me to offering money when the insurance denied the appeal for the surgical procedure I so needed in order to find relief.  Fearing the worst, knowing I needed the surgery, yet the insurance was appealing, they were willing to fund my surgical procedure!  I didn’t ask … they offered … and my heart was overwhelmed with emotions as I cried at my desk the day they so unselfishly offered.  Now, thankfully, the medicine has started working while the doctors submit the results of the tests the insurance company required, and we wait for their grand approval this time.  But just knowing the offer was sincere and that they would be willing to do this for me, for my health and happiness, I was tremendously  moved by their heart’s desire to help me in any way, even if that meant digging deep into their own pockets.

Those are the friends I want in my corner.

Not the ones that see or hear that I’m upset or having a rough time so they shy away.  Not the ones that tell me to pull myself up by my boot straps when I’ve been prescribed anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medicine, and pain medicine.  That should be a clue that it’s something bigger going on here than just needing to think positive!

I’m sure at some point, they will wonder when they “hear” my silence loud and clear.  It is my hope that they will examine themselves and improve so they can be there in the future for someone else in need.

They won’t need to worry about me.  If they can’t be bothered with me now, then let my silence speak.

 

 

 

Shout It From The Roof Tops

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If you’ve followed along during the month of October, you know the saga continues with the insurance company.  As part of their third denial after our appeals, they required that I go through a series of tests.  One thing that was maddening was a portion of their denial letter that said the procedure we were requesting was not being allowed for the “convenience” of the patient.

Excuse me for a moment.

WHAT?!  

Not for the convenience of the patient?

When you have bled for 42 days, so profusely at times that it interfered with your work and family life, it most certainly wasn’t a procedure (hysterectomy) requested for my convenience!  Having extreme pain when dealing with three fibroids and adenomyosis that requires not just Advil or Tylenol for pain relief but an actual prescription pain pill, is most definitely also not for my convenience!

That part of their letter was offensive!

But, I did as the powers that be required at the insurance company.  I had a thyroid study done in September, so we could strike that off of our list.  The other two items, the pap and endometrial biopsy, was performed last Tuesday.  The biopsy was extremely uncomfortable and painful at times.  But, it was better than having a D&C that they originally scheduled me for after the insurance denied the hysterectomy.

Although I tried not to worry myself silly, there were moments when I did feel extreme anxiety as I waited for the results.  My husband asked bright and early Monday morning if he should call the doctor’s office for an update.  I promptly told him NO!!!  Let the doctor’s office call US! 

As I waited, I kept whispering little prayers what seemed like every waking moment.  I also kept reciting Faith Over Fear.    Then Jeremiah 29:11 came to mind.  I recited that verse as well and also claimed By Your Stripes We Are Healed!

Yesterday afternoon as I got up from my desk and walked across the room, my phone rang.  I almost didn’t turn back to answer it, but then I thought I’d better!  As I reached for my cell phone, I could see the doctor’s office name and number glowing back at me.  I did hold my breath for a moment, then answered the phone.  With the phone pressed to my ear and anxiety filling my body, I listened as the nurse said, “The biopsy was benign.”  She kept right on talking, but I could contain my relief no longer!  I said, “OH THANK GOD!!!!”

The nurse kept on talking, but I was still back there rejoicing in the news my heart longed to hear!

The biopsy was benign – meaning no cancer!

Praises to God above!!!

At that moment, I wanted to shout it from the roof tops!

After I listened to the nurse talk about how they were submitting the results to the insurance company with yet another request for the hysterectomy to see what they will do now, I returned to my desk glowing!  I know I had to be!  I immediately told my coworker, and although she was glad to hear it, I wanted someone to actually celebrate with me!   So I went looking for my other coworker in the back.  He was really happy for me, and I felt better!  Then I texted my oldest daughter since she was in class.

By that time, it was time for me to pick my youngest daughter up from school, so I gathered my belongings and went to my car.  Once seated, I called my husband to give him the good news.  Then I started trying to call my dad.  I knew he’d be so relieved as he’s prayed and worried, too.  We played phone tag for a while, then we finally were able to talk. I could hear the relief in his voice!  My 71-year-old father sounded as if the biggest weight had been lifted off of his shoulders!

I took to Facebook to share my good news as well.

Honestly, if I could have shouted it from the roof tops with people not thinking I was looney and not getting locked up, I would have!

That was the best news yesterday!

Now, I do realize we’re still waiting on the insurance company to decide whether they will grant the surgery now after completing their required tests.  I know that once it’s been approved, the surgery won’t be a walk in the park.    It is still major surgery, and there will be pain management and the recovery period.  I have more to face, but for now, I’m celebrating and rejoicing!

Thank you, God, for the wonderful news.  Thank you for being with me and close to me in my darkest hours.

A Ghost From My Past

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It has been five years since I have seen or talked to this person.  Yet, Sunday, I encountered a ghost from my past.

Pulling into the parking lot at the local grocery store, I spotted a car that she used to drive.  Not letting that keep me from shopping, I entered the store and went about my business.  On the second aisle, I was behind a lady in baggy jeans with jewels on the pocket.  Her hair was long, but shorter than it was at one point when we worked together.  And it was streaked with more gray than I remembered before.  Even still, I wasn’t sure if that was her since she didn’t turn around.

I went about my business until about three more aisles later, she walked up behind me, as I turned to the side looking for a specific brand of bread, and said, “Shirley, is that you?”   

Insert loud GROAN here!

Spinning around on my heels, I exchanged niceties with her.  I knew her sole purpose was to be nosey, and it didn’t take her two seconds to inquire, “What are you doing now?”  Much like my husband when he doesn’t want to answer something, I repeated her question … mainly so he could hear it since he was nearby.  He knows how she is, too.

“What am I doing now?”

“Yes … what are you doing now?”

I hesitated for a moment thinking what I’d really love to say is, “Getting groceries, just like you …” but not wishing to be rude, I also considered, “Riding horses …” as she knows nothing of my interest in or love for horses.

Instead, I looked her in the eyes and responded, “I’m the office manager for a local cemetery and help out at the funeral home.” 

She wrinkled her nose and said, “Ugh … do you like it?  I don’t think I could work at a place like that.” 

To which I promptly responded, “Actually, I do … I love it!” 

Obviously that wasn’t the answer she was looking for as she was quick to shut the conversation down after that and go on down the aisle.

I believe she wished for me to be miserable so she could gloat over it, just as she and other previous coworkers did five years ago when I left the agency.

The thing is, I am honestly happy right where I am!

My boss is wonderful now whereas I had a tyrant of a boss previously at the agency.

My coworkers actually help each other and perform tasks as a team, unlike the agency where there was throwing of papers across my desk by other coworkers in their fits of rage toward me.  Or, in the case of the ghost from my past, she was a slacker, bragged about how slack she was, and yet my reward was getting to do her work.  I’ll never understand that.

My clients appreciate the smile I offer when they walk into my office.  They treat me with respect and appreciate my efforts.  I design the last gift they can give their loved ones this side of Heaven, and I don’t take that lightly.   It is an honor and a privilege to assist the families in this capacity.  Even on the funeral home side, I’m helping them in their greatest time of need, when grief is all-consuming for them at times.  I sit and listen to their stories, offer my sincere condolences, and some times all they really need is a listening ear and soft heart to let them know you care.

This is the most rewarding job I could ever have.

I’m not some pencil pusher trying to get Medicaid or Insurance claims to go through, practically pulling my hair out when there was a “glitch” in their system.  And there seemed to ALWAYS be a “glitch” in their system!  I’m not someone who gets abused or bullied on a daily basis as what was happening five years ago at work from my boss and coworkers.  I’ll never understand how an agency in the business of helping people would allow this kind of treatment of their employees.  It isn’t like they were not made aware of it, either, as I went to the top, except for involving the Board of Directors.  However, I was made painfully aware that it didn’t matter what I said because it fell on deaf ears.

The best thing I ever did was get myself out of that unhealthy and toxic work environment.

God provided, just as I knew he would.  Just like the bible verse assured me, God had great plans for me.  Plans to prosper me and not to harm me.  Plans to give me a hope and a future.  (Jeremiah 29:11)  And He has!  Thank you, God, for giving me the courage to get myself out of that bad situation.   I had no idea what would come after leaving the agency, but here I am, five years later extremely happy in my position at work, loving life, and looking forward to getting dressed and coming into work.

When you encounter a ghost from your past that really wants to see you failing and miserable, just smile, like I did this weekend. No matter how much they want to see you suppressed so they can gloat over you, hold your head up high and allow God’s goodness to shine forth in your life.

 

 

 

 

Depression

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Yesterday on Facebook, I shared an article regarding depression.  I shared this in hopes to bring awareness.  There are a lot of people believing you can “choose” to be happy.  I was one of them for a long time giving that message here on this very blog.  When you are dealing with someone who has depression issues, though, it isn’t quite so simple.  Unfortunately, I speak from experience having dealt with friends and family members with depression, and I have also battled depression several times throughout my 46 years.

For me, depression is more “situational” than a disorder or anything more chronic.  What I mean by that is if situations are seemingly out of my control and the situation seems to not have a resolution in sight, I tend to get depressed.  Once the situation improves, so does my depression.

I’ll give you a few examples of my “situational” depression through the years:

  1.  Divorce from hell
  2.  Ruptured Ectopic Pregnancy requiring emergency surgery
  3.  My sister’s suicide
  4.  My husband’s pornography addiction
  5.  Issues at work – sexual harassment or bullying
  6.  Seeing my children struggling
  7.  Female issues with the insurance denying coverage on a much needed surgery

 

The above list is times in my life when I have felt the situation was hopeless at that moment in time, and I was given anti-depressants to deal with some of it.  I most definitely was given anti-depressants when I had the ruptured ectopic pregnancy because I lost my left tube when it ruptured resulting in half of my changes of becoming pregnant again being taken away.  And, let’s not forget that although the doctor said it wasn’t a viable pregnancy since it was in my tube, I lost the baby my heart so desired!   I cried for days and weeks, so the doctor prescribed medicine for me to help.  The same thing happened when we lost my sister to suicide.  Just recently, due to all of the trouble with the insurance company and the health issues I am having, I was prescribed anti-depressants Monday to help cope with the situation.  I have yet to take them this time, though.

It isn’t as easy as some people think to “get over” a situation that has really troubled your heart or a situation you feel you have no control over.  Some people think if you just change your attitude or read a positive inspirational speaker’s book everything else will follow suit.   Or, if you just exercise more or try to eat better, your life will turn back around due to your healthier lifestyle.  If that was the case, there wouldn’t be a need for anti-depressants to even be on the market at all.   People would be able to solve their own problems by lacing up their shoes to go for a run, as implied yesterday worked for the author.

For me, I can pinpoint what lead to my situational depression.  With all of the health issues going on, I was not able to sleep.  Even when I tried, I was awaken by the issue letting itself be known once again by way of pain or bleeding.   If you go a few days without sleep, it will really wear on you.  The result for me is crying all over everyone after days of no sleep!  When the pain is so great that you are forced awake and Tylenol won’t touch the pain you’re in, you begin to feel helpless, which leads to feeling extremely low and in a depressed state.  Then top it all off with the insurance denials, it seems there will not be any end to your pain and suffering because no medicine they have given you will make it stop nor ease the pain.

I’m sorry but exercising, reading an inspirational book, or trying to think positive does NOT help me when I’ve been in pain and haven’t slept.  That’s just the facts!  Now, after I have improved slightly this week, things don’t seem quite so bleak at the moment.  I hesitated to even write that for fear the issues will rear their ugly heads even stronger than before.

The purpose of this post is to just tell you to tread lightly with people who are struggling.  Whether they have chronic depression or “situational” depression, do NOT tell them to “snap out of it”, “pull yourself up by your boot straps,” or anything of the sort.  Instead, be compassionate!  If you have never faced what the person is dealing with, consider yourself blessed.  Being that you don’t know their pain, whether it’s physical, emotional, or mental, you have no right to stand in judgement or tell them how to feel better or handle the situation!  They don’t need your advice, no matter how well-meaning it may be.  What they need is your care, concern, love, and compassion.  If you can’t extend those, then keep your mouth shut!  Plain and simple.

Take it from someone who knows.

It hurts – depression truly does hurt.

Be kinder than usual.  You have no idea what kind of battle people are truly facing!

 

 

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There is a certain criteria that must be met in order to have surgery.  Even though you’re suffering with severe pain and bleeding profusely, you still have to jump through the different hoops as set forth by the insurance company.  It’s so hard to have a positive attitude – despite everyone telling me to look on the bright side – when three doctors have told you that a hysterectomy is needed, yet the insurance “powers that be” keep denying.

It’s frustrating and down right depressing!

I’m required to follow their rules and get a D&C first.  Then Lord only knows what else they will “require” of me before I can get the surgery that will improve my quality of life.

If the pain wasn’t so bad … but no, you are doubled over in pain, with a heating pad on your stomach as your best friend on most days.

If the bleeding would just stop … but there is no relief in sight even on birth control pills.  Heavy bleeding causes me to wake every 30 to 45 minutes, some times every hour, if I’m lucky.

But follow along I shall … Mr. Insurance Company.

It has to be a man in charge that is “requiring” all of this … yet another thing to torture me because I’m a woman.

Yep, I have a VERY bad attitude, and I don’t see that changing any time soon with what I am forced to endure.

With a husband that had a pornography addiction three short years ago, which caused an adversion toward me in the intimacy department … I’m not feeling too good about the current situation.  He wants what I am not able to provide at this point, and when I do, I suffer  and endure tremendous pain.   I have done this just to make him happy.  But, I have little confidence in his faithfulness now when I’m going through ALL of this … I was healthy before, and he was “addicted” to pornography and lusting after women.  Yea, the odds are NOT in my favor at this point.

Sucks to be me right now.

This is me, being as real as I possibly can.

The light inside of me is EXTREMELY dim right now, and I’m asking “Where is GOD?” 

I’m broken and pretty much hit bottom.

God, I NEED YOU!  Show UP and HELP me!

 

 

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Have you ever connected with someone on such a deep level that it scared you?  Catching you by complete surprise, never expecting you two to hit it off like you did, and yet … here you are!

You met as complete strangers, unsure if you’d have anything in common or would just have to fake it til you made it.  Work called, and you two had a job to do.  Your coworker soon gets a glimpse of the weirdo that you are, but something amazing happens.  They don’t run away.  They don’t even laugh that hard at you.  Much to your surprise, they allow you to see their inner weirdo, too.  And immediately … you connect!

Two weirdos in the workplace!

If you think about it, you spend the majority of your time at work.  Eight to ten hours a day are spent talking to or coordinating things with your coworker.  You work together as a team.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you went deeper than just coworkers and became friends as well?

AND that, dear reader, has happened to me.

I’m so blessed to be surrounded by people who genuinely support me and care for me.  They don’t just ask flippantly, “How are you?”  They honestly CARE! 

I’ve seen their care and concern just recently, and they’ve prayed for me and over me.  To know that you mean something to your coworkers, there is no greater feeling.  You aren’t just warming a seat, producing items like a robot.  No, you actually matter.  And in moments like that, you thank God for such a sweet connection.

 

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