Light, Love, Hope

Today is my 15th wedding anniversary!

I can still recall just about every moment of our wedding day.

Dressed in lacy white holding my father’s arm with one hand while holding my big bouquet of roses in my other hand, we made our way down the aisle toward my nervous and anxious groom.  He was a sight to see in his black tuxedo, all polished like a brand new penny.  Our eyes met, smiles formed upon our lips, and each step took me closer to the man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with.

This day I will marry my best friend; 

the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love … 

That verse was included in our wedding invitations.  And today it still rings true.

We went into this marriage with great expectations, hoping our love would not change, grow cold or bitter, but would instead grow deeper and stronger with each passing year.  We vowed to stand by each other’s side in sickness, in health, for richer, for poorer; the whole nine yards.  Planning every detail of our wedding made it all the more special to us, even incorporating the “hands ceremony.”

With our eyes locked upon the other, firmly holding hands, the preacher read off a ritual similar to the below:

These are the hands of your best friend.

They are holding yours on your wedding day

as you promise to love each other today, tomorrow and forever.

 

These are the hands that will work alongside yours

as together you build your future.

 

These are the hands that will passionately love you

and cherish you through the years,

and with the slightest touch will comfort you like no other.

 

These are the hands that will hold you

when fear or grief wracks your mind.

 

These are the hands that will give you

strength when you need it.

 

May these hands always reach out with

love, tenderness and respect.

 

May these hands continue to build

a loving relationship that lasts a lifetime.

 

What a beautiful symbol of the union of two hearts, two lives, and two souls.

Happy anniversary to my love!

Who needs a reason to spend time doing something your children love?  Why not do it … just because?  No special occasion needed.  No other reason than just wanting to spend quality time together!

While my oldest daughter slipped off to meet with a church regarding incorporating her special effects makeup into their Easter program, my youngest and I slipped off to the fine art’s center!

Pulling on our aprons and typing pretty bows behind us, we glanced at the multi-colored paint before us.  The canvas was clear and white, but pretty soon it all came to life.

Our days start out just like that.  Each morning we are given a clean slate.  The day is bright with all kinds of possibilities.  While we may not know what all we will face during the course of that day, we can choose what light to paint it in.  Do we smear black and gray onto our pretty white canvas of the day, determined to remain in our dreary mood when something we don’t like happens to us?  Or do we purposely pick up pastel colors with our paint brushes and try to paint sunshine and rainbows instead of gloomy skies?

I realize things happen which are completely beyond our control.  We have to give ourselves some time to adjust when things are not going our way.  I’m not saying put on a happy face and pretend there isn’t any bad in the world.  What I am saying, though, is don’t remain in your bad frame of mind.  Get out and do something about the issue, if you can.  Then once you have exhausted all of your efforts, rest in the knowledge you did the very best you possibly could.  Yes, the matter still remains out of your control, but you gave it your best shot.

That’s why I paint with my little one.  For that period of time, nothing can intrude upon my thoughts for I am safe and secure in my zone with my daughter painting our little hearts out.

When things happen that are beyond your control, do something you CAN control … like paint, plant flowers, rearrange your living room furniture.   Do something so you don’t remain in your powerless state.  Taken back control over that which you can control and leave the rest to God.

We go about our daily lives making plans, but some times those plans fall through.   We have to revise the original plan, and go to Plan B.  Often times, we don’t like anything that takes us off course.  Once in our minds, we want things to go our way.  When it doesn’t, it has the potential of sending us spirarling out of control.

Despite our plans, God is ultimately in control anyway.  This is something we all need to realize.  We can plan things down to the minute, and yet something will come along that will change everything!

We’re sitting in limbo currently over a situation.  For the planner that I am, this is really getting on my nerves!  We had plans for the latter part of this week, but with things so up in the air medically, only God knows for sure if we will be able to move forward.

And so I pray for acceptance of what is to come.  I try to adjust my mind and my attitude so this doesn’t completely deflate me if things don’t go as originally planned.

I have to trust that God knows best, and His revised plans will be for the best.

We should all take pride in our work.  Yet, there is a slacker in every office.  It’s quite irritating when you’re working and doing all that is required of you – and more – and there they sit doing everything else BUT working.  They clearly have work that is begging to be done, but they are not interested in earning an honest day’s pay.  Instead, they slack off and brag about slacking off.

There is a sense of entitlement.  I’ve heard that word mentioned with the up and coming generation; that they have a sense of entitlement.  It’s not just that generation, though.  I’ve seen it in people my age, too.  I used to work with a girl who refused to do her work, and yet some how she managed to keep her job.  Her work then became MY work as it was passed on to me!  They knew I would take charge whereas she would not.   She and I were friends at one point, but her constant laziness and laughing about how I got to do her work changed all of that.

When did people stop taking pride in their work?

For me, I am anything but a slacker.  I take my work very seriously, and I jump right on anything that needs to be done.  You don’t ever have to ask if I’ve done so and so.  It’s done.  I have been picked at about notes on the outside of file folders on cases I’m working on.  But, I make notations every step of the way so people don’t have to question what happened.  It’s right there on the front of the folder in detail!

If you’re reading this and you’re a bit of a slacker, be honest with yourself and realize that laziness will not ever pay off.  In the long run, it won’t!  Have a little pride, get yourself together, and work HARD!  People are watching how you carry yourself, they are paying attention to your work ethic, and they are realizing the type of person you truly are!

You will not be able to skate through life forever a slacker.

Consider yourself warned!

I sit at my desk with the sunlight pouring through the window.  The leaves of a green plant seem to illuminate as it soaks up the light, even arching itself toward the light source.

I’ll be honest.  While I’ve written daily and attempted to share light, love, and hope with the world, I have been struggling.  While details aren’t necessary at this time, just know that it’s hard, so very hard to be positive and optimistic when you feel bad in every way possible.  Emotionally, I cry, deep from the core of my being.  Physically, my body aches and longs for relief; to sleep would be a welcomed reprieve.  Spiritually, I beg my God for help and healing.

I realize I’ve written all throughout this site that your positive or negative attitude is a choice you make daily.  While I still believe that, it is extremely hard to remain positive when you have deep issues going on concerning your health.  It truly affects every aspect of your life; work, family, friends.  It’s hard to live with something so debilitating.  You just don’t have a good quality of life like this at all.  And the kicker:  the insurance company has denied the hysterectomy.  My doctors are working on it at this time and are requesting a peer to peer review, but we are just a short time away from the surgery date.  I’m facing having to pay a large sum out of pocket for the surgery because I truly NEED it despite what the insurance company is saying.  It is disheartening when you spend thousands of dollars for good insurance, and yet when you need them the most, you’re denied.

With all that has happened recently, I’ll admit that my light has almost been snuffed out.  While I’ve been told to remain positive, it’s easier said than done.  The people saying it are good people, and they mean well.  I believe it with my whole heart.  They don’t mean to rip me to shreds with their words, yet I’m so incredibily sensitive at this time.  My nerves and feelings appear to be worn outwardly, and any little thing causes a sting or pain to race through my body.

I’m trying to pull myself up by my boot straps; another saying people love to throw at you.  I force a smile, even through the physical pain I feel.

I am trying.  And that is all that I can do at this time while praying for the Light of The World to wash over me and illuminate me like the sunlight upon the leaves of the green plant that sits on my desk.

The holidays will be upon us very soon.  Lots of stores have already started decorating and lining their shelves with Christmas ornaments, trees, and stockings.  In mid-October, it’s hard for me to settle on what gifts I’d like to give my family and friends.  I’m not really in the Christmas spirit when it’s still 90 degrees in the south!

I have come to realize that the greatest gift is not something you can buy in a store, though.  The gift of your time is far more important and will leave a lasting impression on the ones you give it to.

If you are still lucky enough to have your parents on this earth, think of how thrilled their hearts would be if you carved out time from your busy schedule to visit them.  I’ve always been a “Daddy’s Girl,” so I can’t go very long without at least talking to my father on the phone.   It just doesn’t feel right if too much time has passed and we haven’t spoken!  Just last night he called to find out how our recent trip went, and we had a really nice conversation.  He always puts me on speakerphone, which is something I have not always enjoyed, but it does give my mother a chance to get in on the conversation, too.  So, I do understand why he does it, plus I talk for a very long time if something is on my mind, so it probably saves his hand and arm from going to sleep.  Ha!

We take family time very seriously.  This Summer, we rented a cabin and all went for a long weekend in the mountains of Georgia.  My parents had the main floor all to themselves since it’s easier for them instead of climbing stairs to the second level.  My children had the basement with the pool table and other games, while my husband and I had the second level.  The cabin was big enough that we all could spread out but were still close enough to enjoy family time together.

If this isn’t a tradition in your family, why not consider it and see how it goes.  You’re bound to make memories that will last a lifetime, and your hearts will be full due to the time you all spend together.   You don’t have to limit yourself to just a few hours on holidays, unless you prefer it that way.  My family and I have always been close, so we enjoy our time together.

The greatest gift you can give someone is the gift of your time.

In this life, we will all have trials.  We will have things that bring us to our knees.  That’s when you realize that while you’re down there, you are in the perfect position to pray to God above!  I did just that last night myself.

A lot of times we get so wrapped up in our struggles that we forget there are those suffering far greater than us!

Greg and I have a long time friend, Charles, who passed away early yesterday morning around 3:40 a.m.   We knew Charles had been struggling for quite some time, but we hoped he had more time on this earth.  Toward the end, though, he just wanted his pain to end.  This reminded me of when my mother-in-law was battling her terminal cancer and the way she felt toward the end as well.

Today I don’t want to focus on the overwhelming sadness that poured over me when I learned Charles passed away.  Instead, I want to focus on the goodness that was all wrapped up in our Charles.

Close to 20 years ago, I came to discover a place called The Lifetime Lounge.  The television network, Lifetime, ran it, and at that time, I was addicted to watching their channel.  I ventured into their virtual world to check things out, and it ended up becoming one of my most favorite hang out spots online.

Daily I would scroll through the many posts on the Lifetime boards, and I would add my thoughts when people shared what they were going through.  Along came Fogel (because in those days, no one would dare use their real names online!).  It didn’t take me long to realize that although The Lifetime Lounge mainly consisted of women, there were a few men lurking as well.  Fogel made me smile with his shenanigans.  I would stare at my computer screen smiling like an idiot due to the things he would write.  Back and forth we would go, and oh the laughter we shared.

Little did I realize at the time, another man lurked behind the scenes.  It was none other than Greg!  He went by many names in the virtual world we would play in; ShyKnight, Gregor and The Mad Lurker are in the forefront of my mind as I reminisce on those days.  Fogel actually was friends with him in real life!

Back close to 20 years ago, I was going through a really hard time.  I was a newly separated mother trying to do the best I could for my one-year-old daughter after my husband left us.  I’ll be honest.  Life was hard as a struggling single mother.  But, along came two very funny and amusing men, Charles and Greg, to keep me smiling when I did not feel I could ever smile again.  They would send me care packages at work with items for me and my daughter.  I was taken by complete surprise when they first started doing this.  They hardly knew me, and yet they showed such kindnesses and compassion toward me.  And they never left my daughter out.  Not a single time!

While Charles eventually faded off into the background at one point, Greg remained an ever faithful presence in my life.  As I sit here with Charles and his family weighing so heavily on my mind, I am overcome with emotions as I realize Greg and I would not have the friendship we have today had it not been for Charles.  He brought us together.  Charles was a little more outspoken while Greg was the shy one.  It is because of Charles that I came to know Greg, and I can say with complete honesty that Greg has proven to be the truest friend I have ever had in my life.  Because of Charles, I have a friend of 20 years that I now consider part of my family.  We’ve had him at our house on many occasions, and this year, my daughter and I had the pleasure of visiting Greg and his aunt in Illinois after all of these years.

When we visited, my heart longed to see Charles and his family.  Yet, I knew in his condition, Charles would not allow me to visit.  Greg expressed my care and concern to Charles on several occasions, and Greg asked once more before Charles passed away if I could visit him.  I knew Charles would say no, but I had to ask any way, just one more time.  Despite Charles not allowing me to visit, I sent my love, hugs, and prayers to him and his entire family.  I asked Greg to relay a message to Charles days before he passed, and I have complete faith that Greg did just as I asked.

This entire situation has been so hard on Greg.  He has lost a lifelong friend, yet he forces himself to go to work and act normal when inside his heart is breaking.

I have such love in my heart and a deep feeling of gratitude toward Charles.  As I remember him, and all of the many conversations we had through the years, I will always thank him for the gift of introducing me to Greg.  Charles gave me the greatest friend I’ve ever had in this life.

You are brave, dear princess warrior

Far more than you can see

Fighting mighty battles

That would bring others to their knees

No fear shows in your eyes

Nor tremble in your voice

You put on your shield for battle

Having no other choice

Clothed in honor and dignity

Ready for the fight

You know you won’t be defeated

Because you’re guided by His Light

For what God brings you to

You will not face alone

He is right beside you

Making His presence known

He has great plans for you

There’s purpose in your pain

His love will see you through it all

Time and time again

Recently, my family and I took advantage of a teacher’s workshop week where the students did not have school!  We decided to take a little road trip, and in doing so, we found peace, solitude, and felt rejuvenated once more.

Today I’d like to share a few things we saw along the way.

Waterfall chasing is a favorite pastime of mine, and my family suffers through.  On this particular Fall day, it felt more like Summertime!  Rain had fallen most of the night and into the morning; however, lunch time found things heating up more than we had planned for when we set out on our daily adventure.  Long sleeves were certainly not my friend as I hiked up the steep mountain and rocky slope for this particular waterfall at Jones Gap.  I set out with great anticipation looking forward to the sight I would see at the end of our hike, only to be drenched in sweat looking for our great reward.  And, we found it!

Hot, sweaty, and tired, we reached this waterfall where all grumbling turned into great excitement once again.  This picture does not do this waterfall justice!  Around those rocks we went to the right hand side where we could feel the cool mist from the waterfall as it splashed down the side of the mountain, hitting rocks along the way, refreshing our soul!  Ah, it was all worth it in the end!

Another picture from our trip that I’d like to share with you is of another waterfall we visited the next day; Triple Falls.

This waterfall is in Dupont State Park, and a few years back, we rode our horses right on those very trails.  I have a picture on my computer at work of me on my favorite horse, Sugar, with Triple Falls in the background.  They have had some construction since we last visited, and this time, you could take the steps all the way down to the base of the falls!  It seemed like a million steps to get down there, but once we did, it was breathtakingly beautiful!  I could have stayed there forever listening to the sound of the water rushing in, with the cool refreshing mist in the air.

I always feel so close to God out in the middle of His beautiful countryside.  It just amazes me that He created all of these beautiful waterfalls and makes the leaves change colors in Fall, much to our delight!  Although this picture certainly doesn’t show it, there were swarms of people with their tripods and cameras set up trying to catch the perfect angle and shot of this waterfall.  The people were almost a bit too much at times, when all you truly wanted to do was enjoy the peaceful serenity this sacred place had to offer.

Feeling spiritually connected, we longed to visit “Pretty Place,” an open air chapel on the side of a mountain.  We stumbled upon this jewel a few years back, and we visit as often as we can.  It took us three attempts before we finally made it up to our special place due to the fog that settled in after the rain.  Determined as we were, we were not giving up and going home without sitting in the seats of this chapel and praying to God up there on that mountain!  And so we sat in silent reverence, heads bowed, praying to God above.

After sitting there for quite some time, I decided to really take a look around at the plaques lining the front of the chapel.  I walked up to each one and read their message and the dedication in memory or honor of this person or that person.   The words seemed to leap off of the bronze right into my very soul.

I sit in awe of my daughters at times.  Feeling incredibly blessed by God, I thank Him repeatedly for allowing me to be their mother!  I have witnessed them grow right before my eyes; what a distinct honor and privilege!  From tiny newborn babies with pink wrinkled skin making their grand entrance into this world; to toddlers bouncing around the house learning how to walk, climb, and find trouble around every bend; to school aged children soaking up the material taught to them as they fill their brains with lots of knowledge; to teenagers testing the water and pushing the limits; and finally to an adult getting ready to spread her wings and fly from the nest in the near future.

My babies have grown up right before my eyes.  I thank God for allowing me to be here to witness it all.

And I’ve grown, too.

Along the way, they have made me a better person.  They have me striving to be the best I can be because I’ve known for quite some time that their little eyes are watching me.  They see, hear, and witness more than we think they do, and at a young and impressionable age, we need to be mindful of this.  We don’t want to have a double standard with “Do as I say and not as I do …” No, we want to be good roles models for them.

They are like little seeds planted in the garden of our hearts needing nourishment, constant care, and our undivided attention.  What an honor to shower our love upon them, washing over their hearts, as we watch the green buds split open the earth and the most beautiful flower emerge.

And that is when you know you have lived life to the fullest, as you watch your babies grow!

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy,

it does not boast,

it is not proud. 

⁵ It does not dishonor others,

it is not self-seeking, 

it is not easily angered, 

it keeps no record of wrongs. 

⁶ Love does not delight in evil

but rejoices with the truth. 

⁷ It always protects,

always trusts,

always hopes,

always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

We’ve probably all read this bible verse.  It’s a very popular verse turned into a song, as it was sung at our wedding years ago.  What greater verse to be incorporated into our wedding ceremony than this?  It is so beautiful and eloquently written.  It speaks volumes of the type of love we should strive to have and give to others.

We fall short, though, don’t we?

I know I have.

There have been times I’ve allowed my patience to run short.  I lose my cool and say displeasing things.  I’m not proud of that, but I’m human and these things are bound to happen.

At the end of the day, though, my loved ones KNOW in their hearts that my love will protect them, shield them, and shelter them as much as it possibly can from harm.  Oh how I wish they never had to face any form of heartache or pain.  How I wish I could take all of that and endure it for them so they never had to feel any of it.  Yet, I am a mere mortal that does not possess that power.   Pain is a part of life, and no matter how much I love my family, they will still face heartache and pain.  But my love will be right there waiting on them, and I will stretch out my arms to hold them a little tighter and hold them a little longer.

Like a child needing their mother to bandage their skint knee after a fall, I will try with all of my might to soothe their hurting hearts and shower them with my love.  I may not be able to kiss it and make it better, but I can stand with them in the gap praying over them and loving them unconditionally through it all.

And now these three remain:

faith, hope and love.

But the greatest of these is love.

I’m sure you’ve heard the above scripture quoted in church, but have you allowed them to truly speak to your heart?

When all else fails, remember the three things that remain:

Faith – When your fears try to take over, allow your faith to prevail.  Let it speak directly to your fears and tell them to leave as it has no place here.  Our God is bigger than your deepest fear, and He holds you in the palm of His hand.

Hope – God has instilled hope without our hearts.  No matter what we’re facing, there’s always a glimmer of hope if we only grasp on to it and cling to it with all of our might.  God provides hope in the mist of devastating circumstances or situations.

Love – Is there anything sweeter than to know, feel, and to be told that you are loved?  Without a shadow of a doubt, you can feel yourself wrapped in the love of your God.  No storm can rage against you that God isn’t going to be there shielding you with His great love.  I believe that with every ounce of my being.

If you’re going through a hard time, cling to that scripture – allow faith to take over and leave fear in the rear view mirror.  Cling to the hope that is in Jesus Christ.  And feel His love wash over you.  There is no greater love than the love the Father has for His children.

Imagine how you feel when you look at your children.  They are little angels sent straight from Heaven above to make our hearts dance wildly and feel unconditional love like never before.  Realize that how you feel about your children and how you look at them is exactly the way our Father God looks at us and loves us – only a thousand times greater!  Can you imagine that?   Believe it, because it’s true!

When things of this world pass away, when people disappoint you and hurt you, know that God is right there with you every step of the way.  He wants to restore your faith, give you a new hope and love on you like never before, if you will only allow Him to do so.