Light, Love, Hope

Remember me in days gone by

Laying with you staring at the sky

Watching the stars and wishing too

For just a little more time with you

Sharing our hearts in the night

Holding on to each other with all our might

Never wanting that moment to end

Nor wanting to return to just being friends

Underneath the lover’s moon

The night ended way too soon

Forced to face the morning light

Determined not to give up without a fight

Years later, now we hardly speak

Our love for each other has grown so weak

Like strangers passing in the night

Our undying love has taken flight

Too many differences we couldn’t overcome

Now we’re left feeling numb

When once love ran through our veins

All it does now is cause us pain

When things come halting to an end

Our broken hearts unable to mend

All I ask is that you will

Remember when, even still

Those memories made us who we are today

And I’ll still remember you when I’m old and gray.

We have all been guilty of this; not truly listening when someone is speaking, yet planning in our head what we are going to say when it is OUR turn to speak.  Truth, huh?  I know for me, I have definitely been guilty of just that.  Yet, now I do try to listen intentionally to what a person is saying.  I also try to listen to what they are NOT saying as well.

Anger is an emotion that can get the best of all of us at times.  However, have you ever stopped to consider what message the person is really trying to display in their moments of anger?  It’s hard to step back from someone in the heat of the moment when they’re wide eyed, red faced, and flaring their arms at you.  But, if you try really hard not to get offended when they start and actually listen to them, you might just uncover that their anger is based off of either fear or shame.

Yep.  That’s right.

Recently, I sat in silence at first when a person tried to start up with me.  After trying really hard to tiptoe around the situation, I finally pointed out to the person that their anger was based off of shame.  At that moment in time, they were ranting because in the past, they shamefully were not there when they should have been.  Now they are having all of these feelings of inadequacies rushing in when someone else volunteers to step up and be there.  That’s something deep within them for all the times that they chose not to be there in my time of need.  When I went through a previous life threatening surgery and even when I fractured my hand and hip during a horse riding accident where a crazy horse threw me off, the person was emotionally distant and just chose not to be present when I truly needed them.  That’s something they regret to this day, but it is something they will have to come to terms with.  Getting angry because someone else volunteers to be present to help in a time of need is not going to solve the guilt and shame they feel deep within.   That is something they will have to deal with on their own.  And it should be a lesson learned to be present when someone needs you!  Then you won’t have any regret, remorse or displaced anger later!  You will have stepped up to the plate and been an honorable person and HELPED someone you proclaim to love.

I am not perfect and certainly never claimed to be, so I will admit my shortcomings this week as well in this department.  I allowed fear to take over, and instead of voicing my concerns and what I was struggling with, I allowed it to spill out of me in the form of anger.  It’s not right, but that is what happened, and I am woman enough to admit it.  That particular day, I was awaiting a call from my doctor’s office.  Deep in my heart, I knew they were going to tell me something was required that I absolutely did not want; surgery.  My fear got the best of me, and my mouth would not stop spewing negativity!  The more I talked, the angrier I became.  But it was my fear at the root of it all.  Once I recognized this, I apologized and then explained my craziness.  It still doesn’t make it right, but at least I acknowledged what I was doing, where it came from, and apologized.

The next time someone comes at you with angry words, try really hard to read between the lines while listening to them in order to discover exactly what is at the root of it all.  Is it fear or is it shame driving it?

There was a time I thought people were a little odd or maybe a little too morbid even to plan and prepare for their own funeral. I remember as a young child walking through the cemetery with my grandmother after my great-grandmother passed away. We were there to take her flowers, yet instead of a bronze marker for my great-grandmother, I saw my grandmother’s marker instead – the grandmother I was with at that moment who was still living! I’ll never forget the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and the tears that welled up inside of me when I turned to her to ask, “Why?!” She just smiled and said she wanted to see what it would look like before she passed, so why not?  The whole concept was so foreign for me back then and my little mind didn’t want to even think about the possibility of losing my grandmother.

Fast forward about 36 years, and I have actually filled out papers at work for my “pre-need.”  I didn’t plan on doing this when I did, honestly.  With the news of my needing surgery and the doctor going over what “could” happen, I began to tell my coworker what my wishes were just in case something ever did happen to me.  He didn’t want to even consider the possibility when I first started telling him that no one from the outside needs to be allowed to come “see” me.   I told him of the “thrill seekers” that are among us who haven’t seen the deceased in years, yet they come to look at their lifeless bodies out of morbid curiosity.  No, I do NOT want that at all!  I used to work with a girl who told me she did this, so NO!

Anyway …

I don’t want to ever think of anything happening to me because I have two daughters who need me just as much as I need them.  However, I have come to realize it is best to make your wishes known.   Therefore, instead of just relying on my coworker to pass my wishes on, I walked over to the filing cabinet and pulled out a “pre-need” packet and started filling it out.

I’ll admit I was nervous completing the same paperwork I’m handed daily to input into our computer software at work.  I struggled through filling out the paperwork that is used to write a person’s obituary, and then, I did one of the hardest things I think I have ever done.  I wrote my own obituary.  I sat at my desk fighting back tears as I wrote each word.  Everyone wants someone to say nice things about them, and this is especially true when a person passes away.  Yet, my obituary will be different.  While there will be portions in there about me, there is also a deeper message within the body of the obituary.  I have written so that my family will know without a shadow of a doubt how much I love them all and that my love is still right there with them.  For you see, death cannot take that away from us … or from you or your loved ones for that matter.  Love is eternal, and it lives on within the hearts of those who love you dearly on this earth and those you love as well.

Honestly, I had to stop several times during writing in order to regain my composure.  My coworker walked past asking why I was torturing myself.  Because, I want to leave behind a very clear message for my family in hopes to comfort them when that time comes.  All they will have are the memories we shared, pictures we took together, and words I have written here within the contents of this blog, among the journals I started for them when I was anxiously awaiting their births … and the words written with such love to them in my obituary.

We’re now on day eight of the 31 day challenge for October. Instead of writing on a series for 31 days straight, I decided to take the easy way out and go with the prompt words to get me thinking. My posts seem to be all over the place right now, but I write on what comes to mind with each word. So actually, it ends up perfectly in line the way it’s supposed to be. There are no rules here, and there are no limitations – only those I place on myself.

The truth is that I’ve been slacking with writing on this blog. I lacked motivation or a desire to get on here and write. I wondered if it mattered any more what I had to say. Then I was reminded when my website statistic information was delivered at the beginning of the month that I do still have people visiting and following the blog. So, I needed to get back with it and write more often. Not because I have all of this wisdom to impart but because I still use it as a form of therapy. Also, if something I write helps just one person to know they are not alone in this great big ole world, then it is all worth it. The reality is there are days I may write and just pour my heart out and will only have an audience of One … but He is the most important one anyway, so that is all that truly matters.

Life can be so overwhelming at times. But it’s still beautiful. We can get bogged down in our daily tasks that we forget to appreciate everything and everyone around us.

Don’t take your loved ones for granted for there are those who are just saying goodbye to theirs at this moment in time. They won’t get another moment to stare at their phones in their loved one’s presence. There won’t be any more time left to say what they have on their hearts that needs to come out, yet their pride won’t allow it. Those times are gone as their loved ones slip from this world and into their Heavenly Home. I’m reminded of this daily due to my line of work. I’ve even had people say that I must have the worst job ever. I beg to differ for I get to assist families in their time of need. It is not always an easy thing to comfort those who grace the doors of our funeral home, but we take our job seriously and are there to serve the family in whatever capacity is needed. We meet them right where they are, deep in their grief sobbing uncontrollably or accepting with silence the finality of it all. I get to help on both the front end with the families at times as well as creating a monument or marker for their loved ones; the last gift they can give to them this side of Heaven. I’ve sat with many people who sob deep, heart wrenching sobs as they take this final step. It’s never an easy thing, but we take the time to create a tribute to help each time they visit the graveside.

Time goes by so fast. It seems to go even faster as we grow older. Find time in your busy day to appreciate your loved ones and just be with them. The truth is that nothing else matters in this life – not money, a big house, fancy cars, etc. Nothing matters but the time you spend with those you love. For when your time comes to leave this world, it isn’t the material possessions your loved ones will long for or reminisce about. Leave a legacy behind and memories that will carry them through the roughest times they will face without you.

My daughters are now 20 and 13 years old. I’m reminded daily how fast they truly have grown up. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to hold them in my arms just one more time like I used to do when they were so tiny!

I remember reading a post that brought tears that stung my eyes. It was from a mother recounting the “last” of things. Usually we focus on all of the “firsts.” Yet, before we realize it, we will be dealing with some of the “last” things that we will do with our children. It saddened me greatly because I can relate!!!

Once upon a time, my daughters would let me rock them in my lap, cradling them in my arms. Then, as they grew, they didn’t want to be held in this fashion any longer. They resorted to sitting on the arm of the recliner as we watched television together or read a book. Then even that became a rare occurrence until it didn’t happen any more.

My children are eight years apart. That has been good in a lot of ways, but at one point I feared they would not be close growing up due to their age difference. However, what has happened is they beat the odds and are close despite the difference in their ages! Thank you, God! I promised my youngest daughter that I would try hard not to cling to her with all of my might as her sister became an adult and left the nest. It is hard to even write that my oldest is an adult and will be leaving the nest at some point in the near future. I wanted more time!! Where did the time go?!?! Yet, they cannot stay little forever, and I truly am proud of the woman she has become. I still find it hard to think of a point in time where she will no longer live in my house, ask for me to make her favorite meals during the week, or beg me for money in the mornings before leaving for college. My youngest being 13 years old makes me realize that I only have five more years with HER before it will become a reality yet again.

My babies are growing up!

And that is why I will vow to treasure every single moment with them and hold them a little tighter now every time we hug. That, they will still allow!

Everyone has a story to share. We all have a past, and there are some skeletons in every single one of our closets. There, I said it. The way I see it, there is no use in denying it. While you don’t have to parade them around, you do need to acknowledge it. Why? Because it has made us who we are today.

My story has so many moments of sheer joy, like when my daughters were born and the pleasure I have had witnessing all of their “firsts” and how they’ve matured and grown into beautiful young women. Tragedy is also a part of my story. The day my sister committed suicide two weeks after having her daughter. Life, as I knew it, crumbled all around my feet. The pain was not the same but close when I was eight weeks pregnant and had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. That was one of the scariest things in my life, right up there to the time I flipped a Volkswagen six times in a field on a rainy day when my tire blew out. My sister reached out to grab me as I was flying through the air, with my head hitting the door frame as I was on my way out until she drew me into herself. She saved my life. There are those that say those words in jest. I am saying it with all honesty because I know I was destined to land in a heap in the middle of the field, but my sister literally saved my life that day.

There’s a lot of joy in my life’s story. From my wedding day when white doves were released at the end of our ceremony, to hearing my niece take her first breath and cry as she entered this world, to celebrating my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary and hosting a retirement party for my father after 41 years of service.

Then there’s pain. Regret. Things I would have done differently if given a chance to go back. If I knew then what I know now, things would be different. But, there is no going back. We can only go forward.

Our story, buried deep within our hearts, needs to be told. It is begging to come out and be shared with the world in an effort to help someone else who might be struggling with the same or similar situation. Our story might just provide the hope they need to hold on a little tighter to make it through. We might be the light people are able to find in their time of need that will show them the way to Jesus.

Share your story!

From tragedies such as losing someone to suicide, infant loss, helping someone through the end of their life as they struggle with a terminal illness, addictions of any kind that you’ve overcome whether it’s pornography, alcohol or drugs, SHARE your story to help others!

Someone out there NEEDS to hear it!

Since the recent news I’ve received and the upcoming surgery that’s scheduled, I have to place my trust in the doctor for a successful outcome. While I am nervous, I know that God will be right there with me through it all. I feel in my heart that God has guided this doctor into the field he is in, and I have heard he is a wonderful surgeon. I’m counting on that!

One of the very first impressions I had of this doctor was right there with the contents in his waiting room. How refreshing is it to find bibles and literature about God right there in plain sight?! You don’t find a lot of that in this day and age. My heart smiled when my eyes saw all of the things pointing to God and Jesus. I knew then I was in the right place.

The doctor greets you every time with a hand shake, and he never leaves at the end of your appointment without saying, “God Bless You!”

I have been praying since I learned of the required surgery. Actually, I was praying before that. Now I’m really praying hard! I plan to ask this doctor to pray for me and with me prior to the surgery as well. When they get ready to wheel me into the operating room and right before they put me under, I want him and his staff gathered around me in prayer.

I love my God, and I trust in Him.

Warning! Female issues will be discussed within this post. Do not go forward if this offends you. Bless your heart!

I have been struggling for approximately a year and 10 months. Initially, I had no idea what in the world was wrong! What I did know was that whatever it was going on with me was getting progressively worse. It got to the point last December where we were gathered around the table giving thanks to God for the Christmas meal the staff was about to partake in when I suddenly became faint. My heart was pounding, and I became extremely hot, weak, and dizzy. My family was attending this meal, and they knew immediately something was wrong. I excused myself after a few minutes of sitting quietly hoping the feeling would pass. I felt hot, dizzy, and I knew this was not normal. My family doctor did not have any available appointments, so I was put with someone in their network. THAT proved to be a big mistake and waste of money. When I went and explained my symptoms that came on suddenly, the doctor prescriped Flonase. What? Really? I questioned how this would help with ALL of the symptoms, especially when my main concern was my heart pounding all over the place. They did note that my blood pressure was high, but they shrugged it off to being nervous at a new doctor’s office. Hardly! I left that doctor’s office determined never to return. Then, I promptly made a self referral to the heart doctor in another town. The heart doctor did blood work, as well as an EKG and echocardigram. All of the tests came back fine, except the blood work. I was anemic, thus causing ALL of the symptoms I had just experienced. Finally some answers! I was put on an iron supplement and asked what could be causing the anemia. Female issues!

Fast forward to the ob/gyn appointment and ultrasound, the doctors in my home town indicated I had one fibroid causing the issues. Fibroids are generally not something to be concerned with, yet it causes a whole host of issues, including anemia! Great. The doctor here immediately went into surgery mode. That is ALL they wanted to talk about, but it wasn’t on the top of my list. They put me on a pill that made my life hell for six weeks. Finally, I took myself off of this medicine when the doctor in town did not seem too concerned or too receptive to how this was affecting my life and ability to work! Another self referral was in order! This self referral would also NOT be in my home town. I was going where they appear more knowledgeable and actually to care about their patients and their well being!

My new doctor has been wonderful. I was hesitant initially, but he took the time to thoroughly explain to me what was going on with my body, with even having models to show me in detail. I became emotional at my very first appointment with the difference in my home town doctors and these doctors. I knew right then that I was done with my home town doctors. There was no turning back. This was cemented in my mind when the new doctor ordered another ultrasound. The home town doctors had it wrong! I didn’t have just ONE fibroid … I had THREE!!!!! In addition to this, I have Adenomyosis as well. I was shocked and scared when he relayed this information to me. While they agreed to try a hard hitting, heavy medicine, there was no guarantee it would work. And, here I am to report that, sadly, it has not. Therefore, I will be having a hysterectomy in the near future. This was not something I wanted at all, not because I’m still considering having more children, because I’m not. But, no one wants to be cut on! I realize the medical field has advanced so much, but it is still scary being put under and having someone cut on you! I’m not a fan of that, especially after a ruptured ectopic pregnancy in 2003, yet another time when my home town doctors let me down by NOT seeing me when I insisted something was wrong! The results of their neglect almost caused me my life! This time the home town doctors said they’d have to open me completely up due to possible scar tissue left behind. However, this new doctor feels confident he can do it laproscopically. I pray he can!

With all of the above said, please pray that the surgery will be successful, that I will not have any complications or any problems with the anesthesia or the surgery itself. Please pray that the fibroids and everything else turn out not to be anything bad, and hopefully all of the issues I’ve had the past year and ten months will finally be resolved. I’m 46 years old with two beautiful children who need me as much as I need them. I pray God allows me many, many, many more years with them! I hope to be an old woman rocking my great-great-grandchildren in my lap on my front porch one day!

My daughters and I love to gather together to create our own special masterpieces. From paint night right in our very home, to making crafts, and even branching out to attending different classes, we enjoy creating to the fullest.

What makes it so special is that we are doing it together. It’s something we have a passion for, and we’re sharing it with each other. I get such joy in my heart when I see their smiling faces as their designs and creations take life right before their eyes!

Recently, we attended a Caligraphy class together at our local fine art’s center. The girls have always loved pens, markers, etc. They literally write on EVERYTHING! They always have! Honestly, they got that from their mother! When I saw the class advertised, I feared it was too late as they had a list of people already signed up and I was too late to the game. Much to my surprise, they had a few cancelations, and my girls and I were IN! Woo hoo! We went to the class, and although it was watercolor caligraphy, that part I missed in the class description, my girls excelled in this class! I struggled with making my letters look decent, but they were doing an excellent job all the way through the entire class.

At the end of the night, we brought our cards we designed home and showed them to my husband. He always says, “Wow … great job …” even to me, when I know I didn’t do that great. I appreciate his enthusiam, though.

This creative way of writing/painting is something my girls will take with them now in life. They have already taken out their painting kits and decorated cards and letters since the class. And my heart smiles!

Receiving less than desirable news is something no one enjoys or looks forward to, but it gets worse when you tell someone about it. Often times, you do so in an effort to receive support and encouragement in a trying time. However, what happened to me this week was that I became so frustrated and full of anxiety trying to explain the situation. The person didn’t seem to understand because, quite honestly, they can’t. It’s female related, and well, I was talking to a man!

First problem.

They pressed for details, and the more I tried to explain, the more I felt invalidated with how they were making light of the situation. Why? Because it’s not THEM going through anything. That’s why.

Second problem.

Then the fear kicked in that I was being so misunderstood. I finally told him that I could not continue the conversation and felt no need to discuss the matter with him further. What I’d like them to do is consider that one day it just might be THEM with issues below the belt, and they’d want someone supporting them, not making things more difficult in an already trying time!

Lesson learned.

People, hear me. When someone comes to you with a concern, LISTEN AND BE THERE! Comfort, support, encourage. While I understand questions are asked in an effort to gather information and get a clear understanding of what is taking place, making light of something serious makes it worse! That’s like telling a woman that is upset to just calm down. Yea, try that, men folk, and let me know how that works out for you! Chances are, you will be handed your head!

It was reaffirmed, yet again, why I keep the majority of my personal business to myself.

Be careful who you tell your business to because a lot of people are just plain nosey. Others make light of the situation, when it is NOT a laughing matter. Rarely, you will find people who truly do want to be there to love, support, and encourage you when you’re going through a hard time. Treasure those people!

Sunday is typically the day people everywhere gather in worship. We are lucky and blessed to still have the freedom to do so in our great country.

Worship means a lot of different things, depending on who you ask.

For some, it is gathering in a church building Sunday mornings, Sunday evenings, and Wednesday evenings as well. We once viewed worship in this way. For years, my family and I would gather together to sing with the congregation and then listen to the message the preacher would bring forth. We ventured out to other churches, and I’ll never forget the way it felt so programmed and rehearsed in certain churches and religions, in fact.

Many years later, after much conflict within the body of the church, we decided to take worship to a new level. While we missed some of the “cookie cutter” ways of the traditional church, we ventured out on our own to find God among the beautiful sunrise, sunsets, and miles of trails on horseback that we’d ride in between.

Worship is, indeed, a lot of things to different people. For us, we feel one with God and nature, and we feel we can worship right from the saddle as we take in all of the beauty that surrounds us.