Light, Love, Hope

It can be interesting how a person reacts to a problem. Some people will shy away and do anything to avoid it hoping it will go away. Others will hit it head on to resolve it and may just cause more issues. There seems to seldom be an in between reaction.

When I run into a problem in life, I am the kind of person that sits and listens before deciding on how to handle things. The Lounge developed into an interesting problem for me in regards to the relationships in my life.

Everyone has an opinion. As time passed in the Lounge and relationships formed, I was being given opinions by people inside and outside of the situation. As I think back, if I would have taken the advise of certain people, I would have walked away from the Lounge and my life would have been completely different. They saw what was going on in the Lounge in some aspects as a problem for me that I needed to walk away from.

My way of handling these conflicting opinions was to divide my life into sections. In each section were certain people and I never let the sections meet. You could say I lived multiple lives. It probably wasn’t the best choice, but it seemed to work. Keeping the opinions of people I cared about in separate buckets kept me from feeling awkward and kept me from being quizzed and having to explain my actions.

Now that those people are gone, I don’t have that separation to deal with anymore. Whether or not what I did was the correct way to handle it, I still don’t know. That only thing I know if that it kept me from hearing, “You need to get away from that situation”, comment over and over again.

Quite often, I have been referred to as the “picture queen” by my friends and family.  It’s a long, known fact that any time I am around, a TON of picture-taking will ensue.  My family will sometimes groan loudly when they see the camera come out, and then silliness will follow.  I end up taking several pictures trying to get “the” best shot because of their shenanigans.

Then the questions start, “WHY do you take soooooo many pictures?!”

Because I am a memory saver.  That’s what I do!

I take so many pictures because I want to look back fondly on those memories in years to come.  I want to relive those moments, and in flipping through old pictures, I am allowed to take a step back in time to reminisce.

This has been so important to me through the years because of the family and friends we have lost along the way.  I don’t want to ever “wish” I could see their face again.  I want to surround myself with pictures of them so I can forever look back at the times we were happy together.

Long after a person has passed away, I want their memory alive in the stories we share about them. I want them to live on through us and the pictures we took.

Memories are so special to me, and I want to safeguard them!  That’s why I write on this blog as well.  I pray there is never a time when my memory fails me.  I don’t want dementia or Alzheimers to take me away from my family.  I want my memory to be as clear and vivid as the day we shared special events and happenings together.  I want to preserve as much here as I can for my daughters, should they wish to read my words one day.

I often sit thinking whether or not it is common for other people to feel the way I do. Most of the time I feel alone and lost. I don’t feel like I am part of anything or that I fit in anywhere. I am by myself so I don’t have any one around that I can talk to when I need to talk. Then again there is my issue with not being very trusting of letting out how I feel about things because of the way I have been burned in the past.

That makes me wonder a lot about how other people feel about things and why they do the things they do. Is it common for people to act a certain way because they have some hidden want to need that they feel needs to be fulfilled and it doesn’t matter what they need to do or say for them to get it?

With all I’ve posted thus far about meeting someone online and then meeting them in person, we do still need to consider the danger that exists in our world today.  Just this weekend, I read about a woman meeting a man online and taking it further by meeting in person.  In this instance, as the article read, there was alcohol and drugs involved, and an argument soon enraged the couple.  This story had a tragic ending as the man violently took the woman’s life!

In another article I read, a 76-year-old man posted an ad for a puppy he was selling.  Someone reached out to him, and an agreement was made between the two parties to meet at a restaurant.  There, they would exchange the money for the puppy.  Sadly, the individual shot the man, leaving him for dead, and fled with the puppy!

When we decided to take our friendship outside of the “box” (our computers) and meet “in the real world,” we did so after MANY years of friendship.  We knew each other because we shared intimate details of our lives.  We shared our deepest, darkest secrets and fears.  Every trial we faced was shared, and our friends rallied around us to offer support and encouragement.  Happiness and good times were shared also through the years.  But my point is the YEARS of our friendship ensured our safety when we finally met in person.

Be wary of those you meet online, yes!  You can never be too careful here.  But also know that not everyone on the internet is out to get you or cause you harm.  There are good, honest people out there, just like my friends and I.

It was inevitable that that it would happen. The first look I knew. I don’t know how I knew, I just knew. There was something so special in those eyes. You could just feel it. To be honest, I adored her.

It wasn’t her beauty that captured me. It was her style, her grace. I didn’t know what hit me, but it hit me hard. It wasn’t just the purr of her soft voice or that way she sauntered in and out of the rooms. It was the entire package all rolled up into this wonderful, adorable persona that I couldn’t get enough of.

I would wait with anticipation for her to show up to where I was. It was like a craving for chocolate. I couldn’t get enough of her presence. Yes. I adored her.

I was Cyrano and she was my Roxanne.

She was my…

neighbors cat.

Debbie’s family kept us updated.  Honestly, with the herbal and oil treatments, her prognosis didn’t look good.  Even still, we vowed to support her and her choices in how she wanted to tackle this dreaded disease.  We often wonder if things would have been different had changes occurred to her treatment early on.  Traditional methods to treat breast cancer may have saved her life.

Our friend was so young.  If memory serves me correctly, she was only 59 years old.  It’s sad thinking of something invading our sweet Debbie’s body and her not seeking life-saving treatment.

As her days grew short, her family informed us of the likelihood of Debbie slipping away.  Sylvia and I were closest, so we decided to visit again.

I can still see Debbie laying in the hospital bed in her living room. She was still somewhat aware of what was taking place around her.  We took her flowers, and although she couldn’t say much that was audible, she showed expression in her eyes.

We held her hand knowing that would be the very last time.  We walked toward the door, glanced back over our shoulder at Debbie, and tried to hold back the tears as we walked to our vehicles.

Debbie passed away the next day.

Our friend, Vaughn, who we also met in the “lounge,” tried to get to the United States from New Zealand before Debbie passed away.  He was distraught when he learned of her passing.  He promised he would visit her, and he held on to that promise.  Choking back tears, he was heartbroken at not making it before the inevitable happened.

In the days following, he did, indeed, keep his word.  He flew to the United States where Sylvia and I met him in Georgia.  We took Vaughn to meet Debbie’s husband, Ray, and then on to her final resting place.  Vaughn placed flowers at her grave site and spent some time there.  Although this is not the way he wanted to “visit,” he was an honorable man.  A man of his word.

So once the “Simpleton” episode was over, I decided to never let that happen to me again. It was like I was playing the “Love Lottery” and I never would have a winning ticket. Of course, with the Lottery you have to play to win and I decided to not play again.

As with the Lottery, many things in life result from chance. A simple decision can lead to wonderous things. You may just meet that special person that make you feel comfortable being your actual self. Someone that in your heart you know that you can trust with anything. They make you feel that you are where you belong. Just being with them makes you happy.

When you come to a point that you feel that you are faced with a situation that is uncomfortable to you. Think about it for a moment. I might be worth taking a chance and playing Life’s Lottery. You have a good chance to come out a winner.

One particular evening, one of our online friends posed a hypothetical question to us asking our opinion.

“What would you say if someone was diagnosed with breast cancer, yet did not choose traditional medicine to treat it?”

Those tiny black words displayed on a white computer screen leaped out at me.  (While these may not have been the exact words used, they were very similar.)

Something didn’t feel right about the question when it was asked.  Immediately, we started consulting with each other in our group trying to decipher why this was asked.  Later, we learned the question was because of what our friend was facing.  We knew she believed in herbal treatments and using essential oils.  The thought of this scared us when she announced her plans to treat breast cancer this way.

We all “met” online in that same lounge.  While we talked about meeting in person through the years, we all had families and different responsibilities that prevented it.  Until now.  Sensing the urgency and knowing our friend needed us to rally around her, our beautiful friend, Betty, started putting the plan into action.  She and her daughter were going to make the long trek from Oklahoma to Georgia to meet our friend, Debbie.  Meanwhile, my daughter and I planned to travel from South Carolina to Georgia.  Our other friend, Sylvia, and her son were driving from Alabama to Georgia.  We found a weekend that would work for us all, booked the hotel rooms, and then surprised Debbie with our plans.  This gave us all something to look forward to, and it brought some happiness into Debbie’s life.

Finally, the weekend of our trip arrived, and we shared pictures along the way of us in our cars with the biggest smiles on our faces.  It was happening!  We were finally meeting after ALL of these years!

Betty made it to Debbie’s house first, and I was second to arrive.  I will forever treasure the memory of seeing Debbie step out of her house with the widest smile.  I remember scrambling to get out of the car and running with my arms in the air straight to her squealing like a schoolgirl the entire way!  My daughter took pictures of this exchange as we hugged each other tight!  Then we stepped inside where I’m sure I did the same thing when I went to hug Betty!  Sylvia arrived later, and the same hugs were exchanged then, too.  The joy that flowed from us all was beyond measure.  This was the moment we had ALL been waiting for!

It was really happening!!

I was there with some of my best friends in the entire world meeting them for the very first time!!  It was incredibly sad it was under these circumstances, but we tried to push that out of our minds that weekend and just enough each other’s company.  We laughed so much our sides hurt as we soaked up every minute we could with our sweet Debbie.  It was truly a wonderful weekend spent together.  We shared some precious memories!  Memories I will treasure for all time.

This group of ladies left such an impression on me!  With the many years we had remained friends since our “lounge” days, I knew they had hearts as big as the universe.  Meeting them in person cemented this in my mind.  I have forever been changed by the love this group of ladies has shown to me and the love I witnessed that weekend in how they cared for and loved on our friend, Debbie.

Sitting here writing over the past two weeks, after participating in the #write28days challenge, has touched off a time of reflection about many things I have not thought about in a long time. This has been ironic in that over the past year as I have gotten older I have been reflecting upon certain things trying to figure out why I acted as I did back then.

I have come to realize that I have what seems to be an ingrained fear of many things. I have no idea why I felt this way. But it explains my actions and why I did many of the things I did. And the thing is, I still have the feeling of being afraid lot of times.

It could be that it comes from how I was treated as a child. Being that I was the fat kid with the milk bottle thick glasses I was teased… a lot. I was always picked last for everything. All I wanted to do was feel accepted and a part of things.

As I sit here reflecting on certain things that happened back in the lounge, it seemed that when I would get the courage to strike forth and break through that overwhelming sense of fear, something would happen that would smack me down and feed that big fear monster.

One such situation, involved a person named Simpleton. We seemed hit it off really well. For quite some time we would spend time chatting through ICQ (for those that don’t know what that is think FB messenger) for hours during the evenings. Quite a few people in the lounge were playfully nudging me to about the possibility of us meeting in person. I succumbed to the prodding and asked her on a date. She agreed. This played out for a week or so until a date was set for us to meeting at a designated town between where the two of us lived. Me being my usual self, decided I would get her a single rose with a Teddy Bear. Come the night before we were supposed to meet, the truth came out. She was just playing with me. To say the least, I was crushed. Even though this had happened before, that didn’t take away the feeling that I was worthless and not worthy of anyone which just fed more of my fear of relationships. Because of this, I closed myself off. I was too afraid to try again. Because of that feat, I missed out on something magical.

In this time of reflecting back on things I like, I realize now it was foolish to let my fear keep me from the thing I wanted most in life.

From the time we get up in the morning until we go to bed, we have things pulling on us.  There are multiple deadlines that need to be met, and everyone seems to want something from us.  We feel overwhelmed at times and wish for some quiet time.  When we are finally afforded the opportunity and the house is silent, do we enjoy it?  Or do we end up feeling lonesome?

We spend the majority of our time at work with mere acquaintances.  Throughout the day our hearts may long for our loved ones, but we are surrounded by chaos at work.  We just need a minute!  Until we don’t …

Silence can be deafening to those who do not like to be alone with their thoughts.  I’ve been there with hours spent on the lawn mower reflecting on things in my life.  For me, I was lonesome without my daughter when she had to be away, and I welcomed her with open arms for “the biggest hug ever” every single time she returned home.  This was something we both looked forward to upon her return home, and she would run straight into my awaiting arms with the biggest smile on her face!

What a sweet reunion!

I can see her now with her golden locks bouncing as she scrambles out of the vehicle and clinches her fists as she starts to run.  Bright blue eyes widen in anticipation and an excited smile forms on her face.  She runs straight into my arms!  Giggling, I spin her around and tell her how much I love her!

That vision is as clear now as it was 20 years ago.

And yes, I was lonesome without the house full of laughter from my firstborn baby girl.

Eight years later, her sister joined us!  We were so overjoyed when God allowed our little miracle baby to come into this world.  What a blessing both of our daughters have been and always will be!  Now our daughters will have a forever friend in each other as sisters!   When once I worried about my oldest walking alone in life, I no longer had to think of that.  She and her sister now have each other, and I rest in the reassurance of this for them both.  I know how much my sister meant to me, and I am thankful knowing despite the eight years between them, they are close!  They have each other!

Ah, but my youngest was, indeed, lonesome when her big sister had to go away every other weekend.  We tried to fill the void until her playmate returned home.  They would play fight with each other or even sometimes temporarily be mad at each other for taking something out of their rooms.  This was quickly forgiven, and all was right in their worlds again as they giggled and played together once more.

Both girls knew of my online friends and eventually spent time with them in person as well.  Later, they, too, developed friendships with people they met online.  When once they may have tried to fill the void and loneliness they felt at various times by occupying themselves online, the friendships grew until they became the very best of friends.  I have been present when my daughters met their online friends for the very first time in person!  In fact, I videoed both times they met their online friends for the very first time.

The world wide web can be a very useful tool, indeed!

I find it ironic to be writing about such a topic today. You see today is one of my least favorite days of the year. It is just a sad reminder to me of how I frequently feel, alone.

As I meandered my way through the forum topics, certain people began to stand out. It was the way they presented themselves through their words, the style of their writing. I became captivated as I read through this beautiful writing. It wasn’t the topics, it was the presentation that was filled with feeling an emotion in the words being displayed.

It is interesting that one of the most commons sayings you hear throughout your life is, “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” I think that is completely wrong. Believing that some thing or someone is beautiful is not about the visual or audible aspect. It is about the feeling in your heart that arises when you see or hear that person or see that sunrise or sunset. It is that feeling in your heart when you hear the laugh of a child. That is what defines in your soul what is beautiful to you and only you.

That feeling will make you stop and see things you wouldn’t necessarily notice. It can happen anywhere, because of anything or any person. It is something that science cannot explain away with logic or data because it comes from your heart. That is where you hold it, you treasure it, to keep if there forever. That is what beautiful is.

Finding people that “get” you is hard in the real world.  On the rare occasion that you do find someone you immediately click with, you treasure that!  You realize it is truly a gift.

Imagine the surprise when genuine friendships were formed and bonds made that span 20 plus years!  What a blessing having found that in these beautiful people I met “online.”  They weren’t scary after all.  Instead, they were the best friends I never knew I needed in life, until we found each other in an online forum.

It takes a bold move to put yourself out there.  You hope by putting on a brave face you will be accepted and in turn have a friend walk alongside you in life.  Shyknight took that step, despite his reservations in doing so.  Likeminded people did the same, and we soon found forever friends in each other.

One post intrigued us, and that post lead to nights of playful bantering back and forth among people we would soon call friends.

A phone call placed lead to hours of laughter.

An extended invitation lead to days of fun adventures together in another state!

I was invited into “his” world and took another flight to Illinois!  The sweet Southern Belle was like a fish out of water any time she opened her mouth on this trip.  A trip to Shyknight’s workplace lead to individuals asking questions JUST to hear the southern accent and southern drawl.  This one lady did not even try to disguise her laughter as she admitted wishing to hear more as I floundered around trying not to act as awkward as I felt.

We have had many visits since then.  One visit stands out especially in my mind as I reflect back fondly on the evening we all spent together with his aunt.  She enjoyed playing games!  We gathered around her dining room table and filled several hours laughing and joking with each other.  My youngest daughter was soaking up every moment, taking breaks, of course, to play with his aunt’s dog, Toby.  On another occasion, we all went to dinner with his aunt.  It was an honor to be among his family and to have them become a part of my own!

Through the years, Shyknight became “Uncle Greg” to my daughters.  He has been a witness to important events in our lives such as the marriage of my oldest daughter to the love of her life just last year.

Who would have EVER thought that a chance meeting in an online forum would result in holidays spent together?