Light, Love, Hope

With all I’ve posted thus far about meeting someone online and then meeting them in person, we do still need to consider the danger that exists in our world today.  Just this weekend, I read about a woman meeting a man online and taking it further by meeting in person.  In this instance, as the article read, there was alcohol and drugs involved, and an argument soon enraged the couple.  This story had a tragic ending as the man violently took the woman’s life!

In another article I read, a 76-year-old man posted an ad for a puppy he was selling.  Someone reached out to him, and an agreement was made between the two parties to meet at a restaurant.  There, they would exchange the money for the puppy.  Sadly, the individual shot the man, leaving him for dead, and fled with the puppy!

When we decided to take our friendship outside of the “box” (our computers) and meet “in the real world,” we did so after MANY years of friendship.  We knew each other because we shared intimate details of our lives.  We shared our deepest, darkest secrets and fears.  Every trial we faced was shared, and our friends rallied around us to offer support and encouragement.  Happiness and good times were shared also through the years.  But my point is the YEARS of our friendship ensured our safety when we finally met in person.

Be wary of those you meet online, yes!  You can never be too careful here.  But also know that not everyone on the internet is out to get you or cause you harm.  There are good, honest people out there, just like my friends and I.

It was inevitable that that it would happen. The first look I knew. I don’t know how I knew, I just knew. There was something so special in those eyes. You could just feel it. To be honest, I adored her.

It wasn’t her beauty that captured me. It was her style, her grace. I didn’t know what hit me, but it hit me hard. It wasn’t just the purr of her soft voice or that way she sauntered in and out of the rooms. It was the entire package all rolled up into this wonderful, adorable persona that I couldn’t get enough of.

I would wait with anticipation for her to show up to where I was. It was like a craving for chocolate. I couldn’t get enough of her presence. Yes. I adored her.

I was Cyrano and she was my Roxanne.

She was my…

neighbors cat.

Debbie’s family kept us updated.  Honestly, with the herbal and oil treatments, her prognosis didn’t look good.  Even still, we vowed to support her and her choices in how she wanted to tackle this dreaded disease.  We often wonder if things would have been different had changes occurred to her treatment early on.  Traditional methods to treat breast cancer may have saved her life.

Our friend was so young.  If memory serves me correctly, she was only 59 years old.  It’s sad thinking of something invading our sweet Debbie’s body and her not seeking life-saving treatment.

As her days grew short, her family informed us of the likelihood of Debbie slipping away.  Sylvia and I were closest, so we decided to visit again.

I can still see Debbie laying in the hospital bed in her living room. She was still somewhat aware of what was taking place around her.  We took her flowers, and although she couldn’t say much that was audible, she showed expression in her eyes.

We held her hand knowing that would be the very last time.  We walked toward the door, glanced back over our shoulder at Debbie, and tried to hold back the tears as we walked to our vehicles.

Debbie passed away the next day.

Our friend, Vaughn, who we also met in the “lounge,” tried to get to the United States from New Zealand before Debbie passed away.  He was distraught when he learned of her passing.  He promised he would visit her, and he held on to that promise.  Choking back tears, he was heartbroken at not making it before the inevitable happened.

In the days following, he did, indeed, keep his word.  He flew to the United States where Sylvia and I met him in Georgia.  We took Vaughn to meet Debbie’s husband, Ray, and then on to her final resting place.  Vaughn placed flowers at her grave site and spent some time there.  Although this is not the way he wanted to “visit,” he was an honorable man.  A man of his word.

So once the “Simpleton” episode was over, I decided to never let that happen to me again. It was like I was playing the “Love Lottery” and I never would have a winning ticket. Of course, with the Lottery you have to play to win and I decided to not play again.

As with the Lottery, many things in life result from chance. A simple decision can lead to wonderous things. You may just meet that special person that make you feel comfortable being your actual self. Someone that in your heart you know that you can trust with anything. They make you feel that you are where you belong. Just being with them makes you happy.

When you come to a point that you feel that you are faced with a situation that is uncomfortable to you. Think about it for a moment. I might be worth taking a chance and playing Life’s Lottery. You have a good chance to come out a winner.

One particular evening, one of our online friends posed a hypothetical question to us asking our opinion.

“What would you say if someone was diagnosed with breast cancer, yet did not choose traditional medicine to treat it?”

Those tiny black words displayed on a white computer screen leaped out at me.  (While these may not have been the exact words used, they were very similar.)

Something didn’t feel right about the question when it was asked.  Immediately, we started consulting with each other in our group trying to decipher why this was asked.  Later, we learned the question was because of what our friend was facing.  We knew she believed in herbal treatments and using essential oils.  The thought of this scared us when she announced her plans to treat breast cancer this way.

We all “met” online in that same lounge.  While we talked about meeting in person through the years, we all had families and different responsibilities that prevented it.  Until now.  Sensing the urgency and knowing our friend needed us to rally around her, our beautiful friend, Betty, started putting the plan into action.  She and her daughter were going to make the long trek from Oklahoma to Georgia to meet our friend, Debbie.  Meanwhile, my daughter and I planned to travel from South Carolina to Georgia.  Our other friend, Sylvia, and her son were driving from Alabama to Georgia.  We found a weekend that would work for us all, booked the hotel rooms, and then surprised Debbie with our plans.  This gave us all something to look forward to, and it brought some happiness into Debbie’s life.

Finally, the weekend of our trip arrived, and we shared pictures along the way of us in our cars with the biggest smiles on our faces.  It was happening!  We were finally meeting after ALL of these years!

Betty made it to Debbie’s house first, and I was second to arrive.  I will forever treasure the memory of seeing Debbie step out of her house with the widest smile.  I remember scrambling to get out of the car and running with my arms in the air straight to her squealing like a schoolgirl the entire way!  My daughter took pictures of this exchange as we hugged each other tight!  Then we stepped inside where I’m sure I did the same thing when I went to hug Betty!  Sylvia arrived later, and the same hugs were exchanged then, too.  The joy that flowed from us all was beyond measure.  This was the moment we had ALL been waiting for!

It was really happening!!

I was there with some of my best friends in the entire world meeting them for the very first time!!  It was incredibly sad it was under these circumstances, but we tried to push that out of our minds that weekend and just enough each other’s company.  We laughed so much our sides hurt as we soaked up every minute we could with our sweet Debbie.  It was truly a wonderful weekend spent together.  We shared some precious memories!  Memories I will treasure for all time.

This group of ladies left such an impression on me!  With the many years we had remained friends since our “lounge” days, I knew they had hearts as big as the universe.  Meeting them in person cemented this in my mind.  I have forever been changed by the love this group of ladies has shown to me and the love I witnessed that weekend in how they cared for and loved on our friend, Debbie.

Sitting here writing over the past two weeks, after participating in the #write28days challenge, has touched off a time of reflection about many things I have not thought about in a long time. This has been ironic in that over the past year as I have gotten older I have been reflecting upon certain things trying to figure out why I acted as I did back then.

I have come to realize that I have what seems to be an ingrained fear of many things. I have no idea why I felt this way. But it explains my actions and why I did many of the things I did. And the thing is, I still have the feeling of being afraid lot of times.

It could be that it comes from how I was treated as a child. Being that I was the fat kid with the milk bottle thick glasses I was teased… a lot. I was always picked last for everything. All I wanted to do was feel accepted and a part of things.

As I sit here reflecting on certain things that happened back in the lounge, it seemed that when I would get the courage to strike forth and break through that overwhelming sense of fear, something would happen that would smack me down and feed that big fear monster.

One such situation, involved a person named Simpleton. We seemed hit it off really well. For quite some time we would spend time chatting through ICQ (for those that don’t know what that is think FB messenger) for hours during the evenings. Quite a few people in the lounge were playfully nudging me to about the possibility of us meeting in person. I succumbed to the prodding and asked her on a date. She agreed. This played out for a week or so until a date was set for us to meeting at a designated town between where the two of us lived. Me being my usual self, decided I would get her a single rose with a Teddy Bear. Come the night before we were supposed to meet, the truth came out. She was just playing with me. To say the least, I was crushed. Even though this had happened before, that didn’t take away the feeling that I was worthless and not worthy of anyone which just fed more of my fear of relationships. Because of this, I closed myself off. I was too afraid to try again. Because of that feat, I missed out on something magical.

In this time of reflecting back on things I like, I realize now it was foolish to let my fear keep me from the thing I wanted most in life.

From the time we get up in the morning until we go to bed, we have things pulling on us.  There are multiple deadlines that need to be met, and everyone seems to want something from us.  We feel overwhelmed at times and wish for some quiet time.  When we are finally afforded the opportunity and the house is silent, do we enjoy it?  Or do we end up feeling lonesome?

We spend the majority of our time at work with mere acquaintances.  Throughout the day our hearts may long for our loved ones, but we are surrounded by chaos at work.  We just need a minute!  Until we don’t …

Silence can be deafening to those who do not like to be alone with their thoughts.  I’ve been there with hours spent on the lawn mower reflecting on things in my life.  For me, I was lonesome without my daughter when she had to be away, and I welcomed her with open arms for “the biggest hug ever” every single time she returned home.  This was something we both looked forward to upon her return home, and she would run straight into my awaiting arms with the biggest smile on her face!

What a sweet reunion!

I can see her now with her golden locks bouncing as she scrambles out of the vehicle and clinches her fists as she starts to run.  Bright blue eyes widen in anticipation and an excited smile forms on her face.  She runs straight into my arms!  Giggling, I spin her around and tell her how much I love her!

That vision is as clear now as it was 20 years ago.

And yes, I was lonesome without the house full of laughter from my firstborn baby girl.

Eight years later, her sister joined us!  We were so overjoyed when God allowed our little miracle baby to come into this world.  What a blessing both of our daughters have been and always will be!  Now our daughters will have a forever friend in each other as sisters!   When once I worried about my oldest walking alone in life, I no longer had to think of that.  She and her sister now have each other, and I rest in the reassurance of this for them both.  I know how much my sister meant to me, and I am thankful knowing despite the eight years between them, they are close!  They have each other!

Ah, but my youngest was, indeed, lonesome when her big sister had to go away every other weekend.  We tried to fill the void until her playmate returned home.  They would play fight with each other or even sometimes temporarily be mad at each other for taking something out of their rooms.  This was quickly forgiven, and all was right in their worlds again as they giggled and played together once more.

Both girls knew of my online friends and eventually spent time with them in person as well.  Later, they, too, developed friendships with people they met online.  When once they may have tried to fill the void and loneliness they felt at various times by occupying themselves online, the friendships grew until they became the very best of friends.  I have been present when my daughters met their online friends for the very first time in person!  In fact, I videoed both times they met their online friends for the very first time.

The world wide web can be a very useful tool, indeed!

I find it ironic to be writing about such a topic today. You see today is one of my least favorite days of the year. It is just a sad reminder to me of how I frequently feel, alone.

As I meandered my way through the forum topics, certain people began to stand out. It was the way they presented themselves through their words, the style of their writing. I became captivated as I read through this beautiful writing. It wasn’t the topics, it was the presentation that was filled with feeling an emotion in the words being displayed.

It is interesting that one of the most commons sayings you hear throughout your life is, “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” I think that is completely wrong. Believing that some thing or someone is beautiful is not about the visual or audible aspect. It is about the feeling in your heart that arises when you see or hear that person or see that sunrise or sunset. It is that feeling in your heart when you hear the laugh of a child. That is what defines in your soul what is beautiful to you and only you.

That feeling will make you stop and see things you wouldn’t necessarily notice. It can happen anywhere, because of anything or any person. It is something that science cannot explain away with logic or data because it comes from your heart. That is where you hold it, you treasure it, to keep if there forever. That is what beautiful is.

Finding people that “get” you is hard in the real world.  On the rare occasion that you do find someone you immediately click with, you treasure that!  You realize it is truly a gift.

Imagine the surprise when genuine friendships were formed and bonds made that span 20 plus years!  What a blessing having found that in these beautiful people I met “online.”  They weren’t scary after all.  Instead, they were the best friends I never knew I needed in life, until we found each other in an online forum.

It takes a bold move to put yourself out there.  You hope by putting on a brave face you will be accepted and in turn have a friend walk alongside you in life.  Shyknight took that step, despite his reservations in doing so.  Likeminded people did the same, and we soon found forever friends in each other.

One post intrigued us, and that post lead to nights of playful bantering back and forth among people we would soon call friends.

A phone call placed lead to hours of laughter.

An extended invitation lead to days of fun adventures together in another state!

I was invited into “his” world and took another flight to Illinois!  The sweet Southern Belle was like a fish out of water any time she opened her mouth on this trip.  A trip to Shyknight’s workplace lead to individuals asking questions JUST to hear the southern accent and southern drawl.  This one lady did not even try to disguise her laughter as she admitted wishing to hear more as I floundered around trying not to act as awkward as I felt.

We have had many visits since then.  One visit stands out especially in my mind as I reflect back fondly on the evening we all spent together with his aunt.  She enjoyed playing games!  We gathered around her dining room table and filled several hours laughing and joking with each other.  My youngest daughter was soaking up every moment, taking breaks, of course, to play with his aunt’s dog, Toby.  On another occasion, we all went to dinner with his aunt.  It was an honor to be among his family and to have them become a part of my own!

Through the years, Shyknight became “Uncle Greg” to my daughters.  He has been a witness to important events in our lives such as the marriage of my oldest daughter to the love of her life just last year.

Who would have EVER thought that a chance meeting in an online forum would result in holidays spent together?

There was something becoming an extremely obvious fact…

I was hooked on checking the lounge, not once but several times a day. I had become more bold at posting more regularly so I had to check to see if there were any responses to my posts. Why was I so obsessed? I all comes down to wanting to feel acknowledges, to feel a part of something, to feel that I meant something, and to help alleviate the feeling of loneliness that usually haunts me each day.

In his book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, Dale Carnegie comes up with a base premise that I am beginning to believe is a fact that touches all of us, we as humans need to feel important. We need to feel that we are acknowledged and that we are not just walking through life invisible. I know this from a personal point of view because I have spent most of my life trying to fight this feeling. Yet no mater how much I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter if I am thought about, it really truly does.

It takes so very little to make someone feel important or thought of. A simple compliment can turn around a bad day for someone.

As expected, the moderators in our online oasis started cracking down due to our playful antics.  They could not continue to allow the madness that was taking over.  They insisted we stick to the topics at hand and only post about “that” subject matter.  Our joking around in there was to come to a complete halt.  We were to remain on topic, strictly business.

Where’s the fun in that?!

And … our involvement there began to decline as we took our friendships to another level.  Nightly chat sessions turned into phone conversations and eventually meeting in person.

That was a scary thought for my family, but not for me!

I had already been in battle throughout my separation and divorce.  Once shy, timid, and naive, I was forced to stand up for myself and fight, determined that evil would not prevail.  And … it didn’t in the end.  This role I was forced into as Warrioress has remained with me.  I quickly learned to fight and protect myself, taking a firm stand not only for myself but, most importantly, for my daughter.  Then, I set goals and developed new strengths along the way. Determination became my friend.

I was gifted a wonderful opportunity by a dear soul, one I simply could not pass up.  I remember the reaction when I announced my traveling plans to my family.  They were quite concerned. I had never traveled that far away from home before and never by airplane at that.  My family also was leery of meeting people on the internet and did not support my plans. They were so against it, they would not take me to the airport or see me off.  I remember feeling disappointed at their disapproval, especially to the point that they would not even see me off as I planned to travel across the map!  They were probably just as shocked and disappointed at my plans, though, as surely they felt I was in danger.  Just as determined as they were not to help me with this, I was even more determined to see it through.  I clearly was NOT passing up this opportunity of a lifetime!

I planned my adventure for when my daughter had to be away for a week.  Instead of allowing sadness to overwhelm me this time, I would be surrounded by love even in her absence, as I met some of my online friends for the very first time in person!  I packed my suitcase, threw it in the little blue Honda Civic, and set out for the airport all alone.  This Southern Belle was not letting anything stand in her way at this point.  Upon arrival at the airport, I found the long-term parking and made my way to the terminal and the counter for Delta Airlines.  I didn’t have time to feel anxious or nervous.  Looking back, my newfound freedom and independence were exhilarating!  I was no longer a prisoner, for I was free to explore and see the world!

Imagine me at 28 years old stepping foot on an airplane for the very first time as I embarked on a 14-hour trek to Anchorage, Alaska.  Back in those days, you were allowed to have people inside the airplane terminals seeing you off as you departed and greeting you as you arrived back home.  This was long before 9/11 happened, of course, when they had security measures, but they weren’t as tight as they are now.

As you can imagine, I had several layovers traveling from South Carolina to Alaska.  My online friends had become my family, and I had no inhibitions about meeting them at this point.  Excitement empowered me throughout this journey.

My first layover was in Atlanta, Georgia.  I was not even slightly concerned with the vastness of this airport or changing concourses.  Upon my arrival, my friend, known as Browneyes online and Tara in real life, was waiting for me at the gate.  What a breath of fresh air she truly was when I first laid eyes on her!  We hugged, and we both had the biggest smiles on our faces!  While I didn’t have a long layover here, I was thankful for the time spent with her.  She walked with me through the airport and sat with me chatting it up until time to board the next leg of my flight.  We said our goodbyes, and on to Salt Lake City, Utah, I went!

Imagine me, just a small-town girl, plastered to the airplane window looking out at the beauty I never knew existed!  All my life had been spent at that point in South Carolina, with occasional “mountain” trips to North Carolina.  I truly never knew there was this much beauty out there, until now!

The plane lowered, and pretty soon we rolled to a stop at the gate.  Gathering my belongings, I walked off the plane and into the airport where my friend Chris, known online as Stardust, was waiting for me with her beautiful family!  We were all smiling ear to ear and gave the biggest hugs before we walked to the next gate.  I had a longer layover here and was so thankful for the time spent with Chris and her family.  We shared so much online before meeting in person, so it was truly like spending the afternoon with an old friend.  We knew so much about each other and had helped each other through so many tough things in our lives up to that point.  She was such a beautiful free spirit, and my heart will always be thankful for having the opportunity to spend time with her and her family that day.  As I bid them farewell, I walked onto the airplane.

I managed to sleep a little on this leg of the trip.  Fully recharged, once again, I sat plastered to the window as the plane lowered and I started seeing more of God’s beautiful world.  I laugh now thinking of me calling the little mounds in North Carolina “mountains.”  I was overwhelmed with the beauty in Utah, but my eyes could not believe the natural beauty of Alaska seen only from the window seat on the airplane at this point.  I’m sure my mouth was agape as I sat amazed at what I was seeing below.  As we arrived at the gate, I deplaned to see my amazing friend, who made this all possible, standing there with flowers in hand just for little ole me!  We hugged, we squealed with delight, and then we walked out of the airport almost skipping to the car!

Alaska!

I was truly clear across the map from my hometown where nothing was familiar and everything was amazingly beautiful.  My eyes thought surely they were deceiving me as I gazed up at the humungous snow-capped mountains before me as we drove along the scenic highway.  I was in awe of God’s country and His creations!

I could not believe I was really in Alaska!  The entire day was surreal.  The thrill of meeting THREE of my online friends in person for the very first time was more than I could have ever imagined it would be!  But Alaska was a true adventure of a lifetime!!  I will forever be grateful for this trip and the opportunity of a lifetime to spend time with some of the incredible people I met online.

What is a name? We all know that answer, right? Or do we really?

In most cases, places on the Internet allow us to create our own user name. It was that way in the Lounge. It allows you to keep your privacy and for people like me give us a little courage to reach out to others. Letting a person create their own user name allows you to personify that name. For me, ShyKnight fit two of my personality traits. The Mad Lurker showcased my tendency to just hide around the corner and listen. Then there was PoetChef for another account which showcased my love of literature and cooking. And last but not least, PartTimeBard which was the musician part of me.

I must warn you that you should be careful of autocorrect when creating your user name which I know from personal experience. I was signing up for a singles app and thought I would use PartTimeBard for my user name. I typed it in and clicked create account before I realized autocorrect had change it to…

PartTimeBarf.

Yes, I was now PartTimeBarf on a dating app. And of course, it wouldn’t let me change the name. So there I am forever PartTimeBarf.

But let’s get back to what a name really is. A name alone is meaningless. It is just a collection of characters put together. There is nothing there. What makes a name stand out is you. You give your name strength, emotion, meaning. It’s how you act and treat those around you that defines your name.

You are what a name truly is.