On a dark, lonely evening as I watched television alone, a commercial came on for a type of online “lounge.” Intrigued by it, I went to my computer to check it out. Logging into the site 18 years ago, I had no idea just how the people on this site would impact my life.
From that night on, I checked in as often as I could to find my new friends waiting for me. We would laugh, joke, and occasionally talk about serious issues that we were going through. Since I was at the beginning of a bad divorce, these friends became my lifeline, my escape, and soon, my confidants. Wishing for more privacy than the public forum allowed, we took our conversations over to email. We shared so much about our lives that before long, we were all emotionally connected and bonded.
I am convinced that God placed these wonderful people in my life for a very special reason. They were there when I needed them the most and struggled through things that threatened to steal every ounce of my sanity. From the bad divorce and the horrible things my ex husband did to me; my sisters suicide and trying to recover when my heart was shattered after losing her; remarrying my old high school sweetheart that resurfaced after the separation from my husband, to having a ruptured ectopic pregnancy that almost claimed my life and required emergency surgery; finally welcoming a beautiful blonde haired blue eyed angel into this world after painful procedures trying to conceive; both of my parents being diagnosed at separate times with cancer, going through surgery, and finally being told they were cancer-free once again; a horrible work situation where I was bullied almost daily by my boss and co-workers; my daughter’s graduation from high school; my new found love of horses and welcoming our herd of five horses to their new home; and the list goes on and on.
It hasn’t been one sided either. I’ve been there for them through their parent’s passing; their medical tests; their own diagnosis and treatment; the passing of one’s sister; family disputes; etc.
As you can see, when once we were mere strangers, we became friends in the most unusual way back then. Over the course of 18 years, though, these friends became family! I thank God for each and every one of them.
Sadly, we lost one of our very special family members last year. She struggled with breast cancer and lost her battle in November of 2014. We miss her so much, but she is always in our thoughts. We are thankful for the memories we made together and the opportunity to spend time face-to-face as we met for the first time last September.
These precious people are now family, and I thank God for how He put us together in the most unusual but beautiful way all those years ago.
There was a knock on the door, piercing the silent atmosphere of our office environment. She rose to open the door as she politely thanked the postman. Making her way over to my desk, my coworker presented me with a white package, smiled, and said, “Here’s a present for you.” Little did she know that the contents of this package was a very special present waiting for me to rip into.
This individual has long been known for his surprise gift-giving abilities. Out of no where, a care package would appear for my daughter and myself. At a particularly hard time in my life when I had just started going through the divorce proceedings, my friend reached across the miles and offered little gifts to bring a smile and warm my heart. He never forgot my daughter or left her out. In all of the packages that would arrive at my place of employment, there was always a little surprise inside for her, too.
Today as I opened the package, I smiled as cards fell out on my desk along with two books. One in particular said on the front, “This card has no purpose.” When you opened it, it said, “I sent it anyway.” Ah, but here’s the thing. The card may have seemed like it had no purpose whatsoever, but it clearly did as it brought a smile to my face as soon as I read it.
Another card had an actual hug inside complete with instructions that made me giggle.
And the last card said that it just wanted to brighten my day as I’ve brightened so many of theirs. Awe! What I especially loved about this heartwarming card was the bible verse on the left side.
Every time I think of you —
and I think of you often! —
I thank God for you.
1 Corinthians 1:4
The Message
This individual was sent to me many years ago, almost 20 years now. My heart is forever grateful for the genuine and true friendship that has been mine all of these years.
He has the gift of encouragement, and he reaches across the miles to turn the corners of my mouth into a wide smile.
I believe the gift of encouragement is his calling.
Last year I participated in the 31 days of writing along with a lot of other talented bloggers. It was a challenge to think of a topic that you could talk about for 31 days straight. While I completed the 31 days, and was extremely proud that I was able to stick with it, there was times when I doubted whether I had anything of real worth and value to contribute. I’ll bet you have those moments as well. Silent thoughts inside of your head trying to convince you to give up when you haven’t even really gotten started yet.
When doubt creeps in it is so easy to say, “You’re right!” while throwing in the towel. But … please don’t. You do have a lot to offer the world. We need to read your words and hear what you’re speaking straight from your heart. You do have something of worth and value to share.
Don’t let doubt keep you from joining in on this challenge in October. If you’re unsure of a topic, there are two bloggers stepping up to the plate to offer you prompt words to get the juices flowing. One is Kate, the host of Five Minute Fridays. The other is Denise, who I have come to know and love through an (in)Courage group for writers that I participated in two Winters ago. If you’d rather not write on a specific topic for 31 days, then join in on their prompt words. But, if you’re just not feeling inspired at all, just write from your heart. You cannot go wrong sharing your words that way.
Maybe you have a story inside of you screaming to get out. Or, perhaps you need to talk about the pain from your past as a form of therapy. I have used my blog for this purpose before. Sometimes when the pain is so great, you just cannot get the words to slip from your lips. You feel unable to speak, as you just do not want to talk about it out loud to any one. That’s okay. Some of the greatest forms of therapy for me has come from writing it all out. Whether it is a letter to someone that has wronged me that I just write for the sole purpose of getting it out of me and onto paper or onto the computer screen with the intent of deleting or printing out and burning the paper afterwards as a form of release … it helps to write!
If I find that I’m stewing over something that is greatly troubling me, it helps to be released from my self made prison by writing about it. If I harbor it all inside of my heart, it will fester. I know that I will feel better once I release it, and so … out it comes. This is easier for some, while it is much harder for others. I do understand this as well. Words flow once I really get started, whereas my husband, for example, struggles to express himself with words. Take however long you need. The point isn’t to rush through it. The whole purpose is to get it out of you so you’ll begin to feel better.
Maybe you’d rather not write about something so personal. If you choose not to delve into painful experiences from your past in these 31 days, that is completely understandable as well. Maybe it’s 31 days of prayers you’d rather write about to encourage someone around you. That would be AWESOME, by the way!
Just … write.
Do not let the doubt crowd out your creative thoughts that are just begging to come out.
I’d like to encourage you to accept the 31 day challenge, whether you write on a blog, in a journal, or write letters to people that have offended you or caused you grief in life (letters to later be ripped up or burned).
Join us in this challenge to write for 31 days straight beginning October 1st.
The year was 1989, and I had just graduated from high school in May of that year. A few short months later when I was trying to stretch my wings out in this great big world, fear struck as a hurricane was headed our way. I’ll never forget boarding up the windows of our home and securing items outside as much as possible as we awaited the storm that was approaching. While it would hit landfall on the Isle of Palms near Charleston, South Carolina, an hour and a half away from my small hometown, it was such a massive storm that the effects would definitely be felt in my area.
My dad stayed up on storm watch as my sister and I tried to go to our separate rooms to sleep. I remember praying for our safety and trusting God to protect us all …
And … He did!
We lost power sometime in the night when my eyelids finally decided to close and allow sleep to come. We awoke to downed trees, but thankfully our house did not sustain any real destruction or damage. We were part of the lucky ones. Yard cleanup was all that was required, and shortly after daybreak, we began this task in our front yard.
I’ll never forget wearing a knit sweater the color of the sun with a pair of Bermuda shorts as I helped my family clean up fallen limbs. As I bent down to reach for another limb, a guy that expressed an interest in me during my Senior year of high school stopped by with a couple of his friends. He could not hide his amusement as he smirked at my apparel, and looking back, I’m sure I was a complete mess with my hair pulled back in a ponytail working to get the yard free of debris. I stopped only for a minute before continuing my task, and despite how I looked, I was just thankful to be there in one piece with my family on yard duty!
It’s hard to believe that 26 years have passed now since Hurricane Hugo swept across the coast of Charleston causing destruction along the way. What is even harder to believe is that I have been out of school for those 26 years! In my heart of hearts, I’m still YOUNG … and yet, time just keeps marching on trying to tell me that I’m not as young as I used to be. Young at heart, though, is what I will always be!
This unforgettable moment was brought to you by the prompt phrase of “A moment I will never forget …” on Karen’s Tuesday at Ten.
If you’re like me, you can never have enough bags! Whether you’re looking to carry one to the market, the beach, or with you to hold your bible and journal, women just LOVE their bags! Can I get an “AMEN!” ladies?
If you’ve been looking for THE perfect bag and haven’t really found one that holds up, then I have the bag for YOU!
Just recently I was introduced to Esperos Carry Hope bags. Just the name itself should make you look for additional information, but you won’t have to look far as I have lots to share with you on Esperos!
Education is so important, and yet so many children in the developing world aren’t given the opportunity for a proper education. Realizing this very real problem, Esperos steps in and gives 10% of the purchase price of their bags to The Nobelity Project. This special project out of Texas works to fill the gap to ensure education is obtainable for these children!
I have had the pleasure of carrying around their market tote for a few weeks now, and I have to tell you that I am extremely impressed with the quality of the bag. It is a heavy duty canvas bag that is stain resistant. You can tell that this market tote will hold up for years to come! I adore the words “Carry Hope” that are on the neutral colored bag that I chose!
Propeller / FlyBy Promotions gifted me with this tote in exchange for my unbiased opinion and review of the Esperos bags.
When I received my bag in the mail, another bag came with it for a giveaway. Instead of doing a traditional giveaway on the blog, the ladies in my office gathered around to examine the bag. They felt the canvas, looked inside of it to find a pouch inside that snaps in, and we talked about how we could very easily just carry our market tote to get grocery items and put our driver’s license, money, and credit cards in the pouch for easy access. This way, you wouldn’t need to carry a separate purse! Needless to say, they fell in love with this bag, and it was a tough decision to make … but I decided to gift one of my friends/co-workers with this bag.
While I don’t have a bag to offer in this giveaway presently, I do have an offer for you! Esperos is going to give you a 15% discount for any bag purchased. All you need to do is use the code EsperosMoms when checking out and the discount will be automatically applied!
Check them out! You won’t be disappointed! While you anticipate the arrival of your bag, know that you’ve helped the little children!
Feel good about yourself as you Carry Hope … and extend it to those in need by purchasing from Esperos.
Blessings to you!
A special thanks to Propeller/FlyBy Promotions for this wonderful bag!
For my final day of the quote challenge, I share the following that really spoke to my heart. If people are honest, everyone struggles from time to time in their relationships and marriages. Sure, we would like to all believe only the good that is shared on Facebook. The lovely pictures of couples holding hands or snuggling together as they take a selfie together. Reminiscing about their wedding day by sharing pictures all dressed in lace and white while he’s in his tuxedo with his arms around you. Even the family pictures where you’re smiling while holding each other next to your children. Yes, those types of happy moments that we all wish would stay. Those picture perfect moments that we show the world. Meanwhile, there are struggles behind closed doors, and maybe that is the beauty of Facebook and other social media in that we choose NOT to share those struggles with everyone on our friend’s list. We choose to share the wonderful moments that warm our hearts as we pretend all is well … and at one point, it was … and it can be again.
Today I share this quote because it spoke to the depths of my heart about a rekindling love that my husband and I have for each other. We’re honest about our struggles, yet we’re rebuilding, rekindling, and we are living our picture perfect love story out now. We thank GOD for our marriage, our children, our love, and each other. Our love matches those picture perfect moments … and I hope they will stay.
If you want to change the world …
love a woman, just one woman.
Love and protect her
as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her co-dependence.
If you want to change the world…
love a woman all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice,
her art, her passion, her wildness have returned to her-
For day two of this challenge, I’d like to share with you a quote that has really meant so much to me through the years since I found it. This quote is from Joyce Meyer. Now, I do realize that some people love her while others do not. I’m not here to debate at all on this but to offer the quote that helped me when I needed it the most.
True freedom never comes until we fully realize
that we don’t need to struggle to get from man
what God freely gives us:
love,
acceptance,
approval,
security,
worth,
and
value.
~Joyce Meyer~
I wanted to emphasize on the words, thus the reason I placed them by themselves to really draw attention to them.
How many times have we all struggled in this area? Whether we were trying so hard to gain the approval of our parents, siblings, or other family members … or whether it was friends or coworkers on the job … or maybe even approval from a controlling person that focused only on themselves unless they were tearing at your self esteem and self worth? I think we have all struggled from time to time with self esteem issues and self confidence. When I found this in one of Joyce Meyer’s books, it screamed at me,
“STRUGGLE NO MORE, CHILD!!!”
We have everything we’ve been searching for right there in the arms of Jesus Christ! God not only approves of us, He loves us so completely! There is no need to strive to gain from man what GOD freely gives each and every one of us!
Be blessed and encouraged today, whether you’re a huge fan of Joyce Meyer or not. Her words encouraged me when I greatly needed it at a time in my life when I was extremely down and out over the disapproval of others all around me in the work place. Thankfully, I was able to get out of that toxic work environment. This quote helped to strengthen me and realize that my strength came from the Lord … who has already approved me, loved me, and offers so much love and acceptance while providing security! I know I have worth and value. My Jesus tells me so!
Chances are that you’ve heard the following quote by Mother Teresa before. I’d like to share it with you any way, and I ask that you please take time to slowly read through it allowing her words to touch the very heart of you.
People are often unreasonable and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.
It never was between you and them anyway.
~Mother Teresa
Her words are perfectly stated and confirm what I’ve said on this site before. Whatever you do, do it for the glory of God. The only one you truly need to be concerned with is God. Do all things for your audience of ONE, and when your time on earth is through, you shall hear Him say, “Well done, my child, my good and faithful servant.”
~*~*~*~*~
My sweet friend and fellow blogger, Barbara London, previously offered this quote challenge that I have now accepted. I have felt like I did not have much to offer in the way of words of wisdom lately, and so the blog fell silent until Greg posted this past week, which I appreciate much more than he will ever know.
Going back and reading Barbara’s challenge stirred something within my soul and inspired me to write again. Someone out there may need to read these words, and so here I am.
Thank you, Barbara, for issuing this challenge, but more than that … thank you for being such an inspiration with YOUR words and the wonderful person that you are. I look forward to reading your Facebook posts daily, and I look forward to reading your blog. You are some kind of wonderful, and I hope you know it … I mean truly know it to the very core of your being. I have been blessed to get to know you better and be called “Friend.”
While growing up, I never really listened to the Beach Boys much. It wasn’t until I grew older that I grew to really love some of their songs; “I Get Around”, “Barbara Ann”, “Good Vibrations” and so on. I have even played a few of their songs in bands over the years. So when I saw the Brian Wilson movie “Love & Mercy” for rent on Amazon this past weekend, I snapped it up.
The movie is about the struggles Brian went through while with the Beach Boys and later on in life. It culminates in how he finally found someone that helped him get away from bad influences to get the help he needed to begin living his life again. The movie opened my eyes to what an amazing person and musician he is. I, of course, had to check out some of the things I saw in the movie to see how true they were and I found the movie was pretty accurate in its story on his life.
They spent a bit of time on the recording of the Beach Boys album, “Pet Sounds”, which is considered a critically acclaimed work for its writing, production and performance. I will be honest. I never owned Pet Sounds. I have never heard the whole album. However, there are two songs on there that are favorites of mine; “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” and “God Only Knows.” Since I watched the movie, I have been listening to these two songs over and over. I have found that “God Only Knows” has a very special place in my heart at the moment.
“I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I’ll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I’d be without you”
The chorus has such a powerful message for me. I recently had the rare chance to spend some time with someone that has influenced me in ways that I cannot even begin to explain. I know that they have no clue as to how they have been such a great influence upon my life and how they have helped to make me a better person.
“God only knows what I’d be without you”
I am sure many of us have had our lives touched by others in such a way. Yet, we never tell them. We never let them know how much we treasure them and their part in our lives.
“God only knows what I’d be without you”
Have you ever thought that you may be that person to someone else and never know it. That is part of the wonder of what God puts in our hearts for us to share with those around us.
Today my daughter came out of her shell to reach others and offer hope. This from a shy 18 year old that normally is quiet and keeps to herself. Yet, she knows what it is like to struggle. She has tried so hard through the years to be all that she can be to a man that offers very little to her in return in the way of love. Sadly, this man is her biological father. The pain she has felt due to his neglect of her has been enormous but pales to the pain her step mom was allowed to inflict upon her through words of humiliation and belittling all of those tender years she was forced to spend every other weekend with them. As you can imagine, the weeks in the summer and weeks around Christmas were also torture for her, and she began to act out. She did so in a way not to harm others but to secretly harm herself. All because the pain was so great.
What happened in the mist of her pain, she encountered others that felt similar ways. When they latched on to my daughter, it was like a drowning person holding on to her for dear life. With their flaring arms, flapping wildly as she tried to pull them to shore, soon she, too, began to struggle to keep her head above water. She gasped for breath as they pulled her under.
Thankfully God allowed her secret to be revealed one evening. I will never forget stumbling upon pictures and posts on her computer. When I learned of how desperate she felt, my heart shattered into a million pieces as tears flowed like a river out of my eyes and down my cheeks. Every part of me ached to take her pain away. She hurt, and I could not save her from the pain she felt in life.
This hit me so hard because she’s my daughter! It also hit me hard because years ago I lost my only sibling to suicide. I feared that my daughter was contemplating this, although she assured me that she wasn’t. I prayed and begged God to help her … and to help ME help her! I’ll admit that I did not handle the new found information well at all. I cried, prayed, begged, became angry, and then the waves of pain hit all over again. My daughter … my baby!!
With counseling, she was able to become stronger and believe more in herself. She was comforted with bible verses that the Christian counselor equipped her with, along with reassuring hugs from me, her mother.
Not even a month ago, my daughter got a tattoo on her ankle that says “Hope.” It has special meaning to her, to me, to the world. She offered HOPE … when others felt hopeless in their situations before, but she is better equipped now to offer her assistance while having a life preserver alongside her when she tries to rescue them from the deep waters.
Today, on World Suicide Prevention Day, my daughter came out of her shell and reached out to others to offer HOPE to them. She posted a very heartfelt message on Facebook, and she shared about this organization that means so much to her: To Write Love On Her Arms. I have supported this organization since she first introduced me to it, and I proudly wear their clothing to offer the message of Hope to the world as well. I have a lime green tank top that says, “Hope is real.” It is in honor of my daughter as lime green is one of her favorite colors, and the message is clear as hope is what kept my daughter holding on. Hope is real, and I am forever grateful that this beautiful young lady was able to escape the darkness and emerge to be a light to those around her. I am thankful for how she has grown, matured, and still offers the utmost care, concern, love, and compassion for those around her.
Today, I celebrate my daughter and how far she has come. I applaud her efforts to reach out to those to offer Hope in any form. Some are against tattoos, but think of the power that her Hope tattoo could have. Think of the impact that it has to reach others. Look at the word itself. HOPE ….
Hold
On
Pain
Ends
If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of harming yourself or thoughts of suicide, please reach out to us or a health care professional. You are not alone, dear one. Help is available. Promise me that you’ll allow someone to come alongside of you to offer you hope even when you’re feeling hopeless. I share my daughter’s story with you tonight to show you where she was and how far she has come. Your story isn’t over yet, and God isn’t finished with you. Please hold on a little longer and a little tighter. Promise that we’ll see you tomorrow … and the next day … and the next. You are loved, and you matter!
Start the conversation: 800-273-TALK
I’ll leave you with my daughter’s message from her Facebook page:
Hold On Pain Ends.
Your story doesn’t stop here. I know times may be tough and it seems like it will never get better, no matter how hard you try, but I promise you it will get better. There are times where the pressure will seem unbearable, but you have to keep your head above the water and learn to swim. Life is never going to be easy but I promise you it will be worth it in the end. Please never feel like suicide is ever the answer. Suicide doesn’t end the pain, it passes it to the ones who love you. Suicide shouldn’t ever be an answer, no matter how hard it gets.
Just this year I lost one of my friends to suicide. I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t end the pain. You might feel that no one cares about you or that no one would notice if you were gone, but they do care and will most definitely notice. Emily felt as if no one would care or notice if she was gone, but her passing had haunted us all. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could have stopped her from doing what she did. If I could do anything in this world, I would bring her back. I miss you so much, Em.
Not only is today #nationalsuicidepreventionday but this entire week is#nationalsuicidepreventionweek. Organizations like @twloha and @hopefortheday are here to spread a positive message of support and love to those who are struggling with suicidal thoughts and actions. If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please reach out and ask for help. The suicide hotline ( for the US ) is 18002738255. There are also many text hotlines and chat lines if you are unable to call. Please never lose hope in a better tomorrow. The sky’s are grey now but soon you will have a beautiful sunrise. Hold on to hope. Keep fighting and stay strong. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I am always here to help as best as I can. Your story doesn’t stop here.
Shirley shared her thoughts yesterday on marriage and tools for your toolbox. Today I’ll recap insight I gained from the book “ 7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage” by Kim Kimberling, PHD. In this book, we look at several successful tips as how God has designed marriage along with the many blessings it offers.
While Shirley writes and allows it to flow beautifully, I am more of a direct and to the point person. Bullet points or numbers help me get my point across. Therefore, allow me to share in that format below on the seven secrets that are revealed in this book:
1. Stop -The Insanities That Hold Us Back
No matter what your marriage circumstances are, ALL couples face challenges together! Many times it is stemmed from your upbringing or your past mistakes that haunt you and hinder your connection or communication with your spouse or perhaps you have unhealthy or unrealistic expectations. It is very hard to face your baggage and change yourself. Some may choose not. Some people back up get help, take a long look at themselves, and reinvent what it takes to have a successful marriage.
2. Start -The Practice of Putting GOD First, Spouse Second.
One Best way to practice this is to Pray together. It doesn’t matter how you do it or how long. Many time we forget to go to God for our marriages but why when he designed marriage. God is in the business of changing hearts long term. Letting him change your heart is a 3-step process. Step 1, Admitting that you have been selfish and have put your wants and desires above God. Step 2, Making a commitment to put God first in EVERYTHING and seeking His help in doing this.
3. Connect -The Art of Listening and Being Present.
There will always be distractions and things that will pull your focus away from each other. Often times couples resort to the old “silent treatment” instead to connecting and only creates and unhealthy stressful atmosphere for a marriage of confusion and uncertainly. This yields to allowing the enemy the opportunity to step in. Stop, Look, Listen. Ok this phrase in the book hit home because I am an Elvis fan and this was one of his songs titles. When connecting it is important to focus on every work. Stop and turn off any distraction, Look at them, and actively listen with compassion and empathy.
4. Engage- How to Fight Right.
If you have never tied this, Pick out something you are struggling with and simply say,” God, I am giving this to you”. Now comes the hard part Leave it with God. That on is very hard I know by experience that I struggled with, but God will not let you down! When you and your spouse have disagreements or quarrels, and you will; try to agree on this strategy; 1. Pray that God will guide you both, 2. Agree on the problem with each taking responsibility for their part of the problem, 3. Discuss possible solutions, 4. Agree to a time to revisit if needed,5. Celebrate your success!
5. Balance- Scheduling for a Better Marriage.
Use time management skills to talk, touch, have fun, and make it a priority to better your marriage.
6. Mingle-Sex as the Mingling of the Souls.
Sex is purely a gift from God. When you put God first, do other steps 1-5, sex will not only be a physical experience between each other but a spiritual element of mingling of the souls, or dod (Greek meaning). Having this this personal relationship with God along with a committed intimate relationship with your spouse amplifies the benefits to be amazing.
7. Fight -The Power of Fighting Together on the Same Team. All Couples must realize that no matter what the issue or outcome, when they are fighting together, their marriage must always win. In other words they are on the same team and their marriage always is the goal.
While I have recapped, I do encourage you to buy the book from Family Christian to soak in Dr. Kimberling’s words that are certainly more eloquently put than mine. I do hope you were able to gain something from what Shirley shared yesterday and my words today.
Here’s to improving and saving marriages!!
~This blog post was written by Shirley’s husband, Dusty!~
Let’s be completely honest here. Is your marriage all that you thought it would be? When you sought out THE perfect dress and walked down the aisle all covered in white lace, is this the “happily ever after” that you thought you’d have? I’m not just referring to the fairy tale wedding. I’m referring to your marriage; your life together as husband and wife.
I’ll go first – and then feel free to examine your heart on the issues in your own marriage.
My husband and I have been married for going on 13 years. This is my second marriage and his first. I admit that I am not as tolerant as I once was in my first marriage. I thought that was my “forever” but soon learned he did not feel the same (he cheated on me) so we divorced after seven years. With all that I went through in my first marriage, I wanted my second marriage to have a fairy tale ending “… and they lived happily ever after” riding off into the sunset holding hands and looking at each other sooooo in love. I admit that I wanted my “forever” with my second husband. While I understand the whole marriage concept was new to my second husband, after 13 years you do expect things to be better than ever before.
To continue with the honesty, we’ve had our share of struggles – some we have discussed here on this blog. A lot of couples throw in the towel when the going gets tough. But, that is the time you need to realize that you’re on the same team with the same goals in mind. That is the time that you need to whip out all of the tools in your handy little toolbox and get to work – both of you – to improve and save the marriage. I will add that if your spouse is willing to make a lasting change and shows that every day, then you have a future together. If your spouse is unwilling to change, though, you have a rough road ahead of you. Remember the saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result? That’s where you’re at in your marriage if your spouse is unwilling to change!
As for me, I’m at the stage in my life where I will no longer be tossed around in someone else’s drama, even if the drama is coming straight from my spouse and issues from his past that he’s failed to deal with completely. I want, deserve, and need to find happiness. I am not getting any younger, and as I reach my mid-forties, this is not how I want to live the rest of my life; in turmoil. As a counselor pointed out, I have accepted this for way too long. He’s gotten away with it, but no more. I’m holding him accountable and no longer tolerating what I put up with in the past.
Despite the troubles we’ve had, am I ready to give up? Am I ready to throw in the towel? Ah, NO!! Instead, I’m ready to try harder than ever before. Why? Because we are worth it! Our marriage is worth saving! We deserve to be happy!
I went away this past weekend to Indiana with my daughter. On this trip, I had a lot of time to think. Upon my return, I told my husband that if he cannot commit to me and not have anything else placed before me (other than God), then obviously I am not his happiness. I intend to have happiness in life, though, and while I’d rather have that happiness with him by my side, if he isn’t in this for the long haul, committed to me and making this work, then I wish him well on finding his happiness. He said he wants his happiness with me, and so we’re working together now not to have what we had before trouble entered the picture. No, we don’t want to go back to that life. We want so much MORE, and so we’re striving for a new, better way of loving each other as we travel down this road in life hand in hand, heart to heart.
There is a little book called “7 Secrets To An Awesome Marriage” by Kim Kimberling, PHD. Dr. Kimberling will help equip you with tools for your toolbox. One main thing is that the couples HAVE to put God first. There is no other way. If you put any one or any thing before God, it will be doomed. God has to be number one, followed by your spouse. That is one area that I know we struggled with but are working on.
Another is issues from the past or “baggage” that is brought into the marriage whether it’s the way you grew up, an addiction that was hidden for too long, etc. It requires that you take a good, hard look in the mirror at yourself and decide if you want to work through those issues to be a better spouse. They deserve all of your love, not holding on to things that will destroy your marriage — and believe me, if you have a hidden sin, you are slowly chipping away at your marriage foundation. Soon it will collapse. If you don’t want that, admit where you have sinned, ask God and your spouse for forgiveness and mean it with your whole heart, and then turn from that sin and never ever go back to it!
My husband will share his words tomorrow on the blog and insight he gained from reading the book. Bravo to my husband for reading the book cover to cover and not just picking things out that interest him (like sex … yes that is mentioned in the book, too …).
To sum up my part of the review of the book, I’ll say …
Buy the book. Utilize the tools given. Watch your marriage improve as God works wonders for you and your spouse!
Watch for more from my husband on this book tomorrow on the blog!
