Light, Love, Hope

There was something becoming an extremely obvious fact…

I was hooked on checking the lounge, not once but several times a day. I had become more bold at posting more regularly so I had to check to see if there were any responses to my posts. Why was I so obsessed? I all comes down to wanting to feel acknowledges, to feel a part of something, to feel that I meant something, and to help alleviate the feeling of loneliness that usually haunts me each day.

In his book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, Dale Carnegie comes up with a base premise that I am beginning to believe is a fact that touches all of us, we as humans need to feel important. We need to feel that we are acknowledged and that we are not just walking through life invisible. I know this from a personal point of view because I have spent most of my life trying to fight this feeling. Yet no mater how much I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter if I am thought about, it really truly does.

It takes so very little to make someone feel important or thought of. A simple compliment can turn around a bad day for someone.

As expected, the moderators in our online oasis started cracking down due to our playful antics.  They could not continue to allow the madness that was taking over.  They insisted we stick to the topics at hand and only post about “that” subject matter.  Our joking around in there was to come to a complete halt.  We were to remain on topic, strictly business.

Where’s the fun in that?!

And … our involvement there began to decline as we took our friendships to another level.  Nightly chat sessions turned into phone conversations and eventually meeting in person.

That was a scary thought for my family, but not for me!

I had already been in battle throughout my separation and divorce.  Once shy, timid, and naive, I was forced to stand up for myself and fight, determined that evil would not prevail.  And … it didn’t in the end.  This role I was forced into as Warrioress has remained with me.  I quickly learned to fight and protect myself, taking a firm stand not only for myself but, most importantly, for my daughter.  Then, I set goals and developed new strengths along the way. Determination became my friend.

I was gifted a wonderful opportunity by a dear soul, one I simply could not pass up.  I remember the reaction when I announced my traveling plans to my family.  They were quite concerned. I had never traveled that far away from home before and never by airplane at that.  My family also was leery of meeting people on the internet and did not support my plans. They were so against it, they would not take me to the airport or see me off.  I remember feeling disappointed at their disapproval, especially to the point that they would not even see me off as I planned to travel across the map!  They were probably just as shocked and disappointed at my plans, though, as surely they felt I was in danger.  Just as determined as they were not to help me with this, I was even more determined to see it through.  I clearly was NOT passing up this opportunity of a lifetime!

I planned my adventure for when my daughter had to be away for a week.  Instead of allowing sadness to overwhelm me this time, I would be surrounded by love even in her absence, as I met some of my online friends for the very first time in person!  I packed my suitcase, threw it in the little blue Honda Civic, and set out for the airport all alone.  This Southern Belle was not letting anything stand in her way at this point.  Upon arrival at the airport, I found the long-term parking and made my way to the terminal and the counter for Delta Airlines.  I didn’t have time to feel anxious or nervous.  Looking back, my newfound freedom and independence were exhilarating!  I was no longer a prisoner, for I was free to explore and see the world!

Imagine me at 28 years old stepping foot on an airplane for the very first time as I embarked on a 14-hour trek to Anchorage, Alaska.  Back in those days, you were allowed to have people inside the airplane terminals seeing you off as you departed and greeting you as you arrived back home.  This was long before 9/11 happened, of course, when they had security measures, but they weren’t as tight as they are now.

As you can imagine, I had several layovers traveling from South Carolina to Alaska.  My online friends had become my family, and I had no inhibitions about meeting them at this point.  Excitement empowered me throughout this journey.

My first layover was in Atlanta, Georgia.  I was not even slightly concerned with the vastness of this airport or changing concourses.  Upon my arrival, my friend, known as Browneyes online and Tara in real life, was waiting for me at the gate.  What a breath of fresh air she truly was when I first laid eyes on her!  We hugged, and we both had the biggest smiles on our faces!  While I didn’t have a long layover here, I was thankful for the time spent with her.  She walked with me through the airport and sat with me chatting it up until time to board the next leg of my flight.  We said our goodbyes, and on to Salt Lake City, Utah, I went!

Imagine me, just a small-town girl, plastered to the airplane window looking out at the beauty I never knew existed!  All my life had been spent at that point in South Carolina, with occasional “mountain” trips to North Carolina.  I truly never knew there was this much beauty out there, until now!

The plane lowered, and pretty soon we rolled to a stop at the gate.  Gathering my belongings, I walked off the plane and into the airport where my friend Chris, known online as Stardust, was waiting for me with her beautiful family!  We were all smiling ear to ear and gave the biggest hugs before we walked to the next gate.  I had a longer layover here and was so thankful for the time spent with Chris and her family.  We shared so much online before meeting in person, so it was truly like spending the afternoon with an old friend.  We knew so much about each other and had helped each other through so many tough things in our lives up to that point.  She was such a beautiful free spirit, and my heart will always be thankful for having the opportunity to spend time with her and her family that day.  As I bid them farewell, I walked onto the airplane.

I managed to sleep a little on this leg of the trip.  Fully recharged, once again, I sat plastered to the window as the plane lowered and I started seeing more of God’s beautiful world.  I laugh now thinking of me calling the little mounds in North Carolina “mountains.”  I was overwhelmed with the beauty in Utah, but my eyes could not believe the natural beauty of Alaska seen only from the window seat on the airplane at this point.  I’m sure my mouth was agape as I sat amazed at what I was seeing below.  As we arrived at the gate, I deplaned to see my amazing friend, who made this all possible, standing there with flowers in hand just for little ole me!  We hugged, we squealed with delight, and then we walked out of the airport almost skipping to the car!

Alaska!

I was truly clear across the map from my hometown where nothing was familiar and everything was amazingly beautiful.  My eyes thought surely they were deceiving me as I gazed up at the humungous snow-capped mountains before me as we drove along the scenic highway.  I was in awe of God’s country and His creations!

I could not believe I was really in Alaska!  The entire day was surreal.  The thrill of meeting THREE of my online friends in person for the very first time was more than I could have ever imagined it would be!  But Alaska was a true adventure of a lifetime!!  I will forever be grateful for this trip and the opportunity of a lifetime to spend time with some of the incredible people I met online.

What is a name? We all know that answer, right? Or do we really?

In most cases, places on the Internet allow us to create our own user name. It was that way in the Lounge. It allows you to keep your privacy and for people like me give us a little courage to reach out to others. Letting a person create their own user name allows you to personify that name. For me, ShyKnight fit two of my personality traits. The Mad Lurker showcased my tendency to just hide around the corner and listen. Then there was PoetChef for another account which showcased my love of literature and cooking. And last but not least, PartTimeBard which was the musician part of me.

I must warn you that you should be careful of autocorrect when creating your user name which I know from personal experience. I was signing up for a singles app and thought I would use PartTimeBard for my user name. I typed it in and clicked create account before I realized autocorrect had change it to…

PartTimeBarf.

Yes, I was now PartTimeBarf on a dating app. And of course, it wouldn’t let me change the name. So there I am forever PartTimeBarf.

But let’s get back to what a name really is. A name alone is meaningless. It is just a collection of characters put together. There is nothing there. What makes a name stand out is you. You give your name strength, emotion, meaning. It’s how you act and treat those around you that defines your name.

You are what a name truly is.

Imagine the “lounge” having cobblestone streets like those in historic downtown Charleston, South Carolina.  When you least expected it, The Mad Lurker would slowly crawl out of the cracks and crevices with his shenanigans.  Tiptoeing into each “room” of our online oasis, he would survey the conversation, and then BAM … insert a comment immediately resulting in chaos amongst the moderators!  Before long, all of the little village people joined in, and we were hooting and hollering.

Those were the good ole days!

Stepping out into the daylight, he removed the shiny armor that protected him so well, placing it on the ground.  Picking up the cape with TML embossed on it, he placed it over his shoulders and stood with his feet shoulder length apart, hands fully on his hips, and a black masquerade mask over his eyes.

Who was that masked man?

Ah … Sir Shyknight, of course!  For, he had taken on another persona in The Mad Lurker.  We always knew he had it in him.  His playful nature was allowed to come forth once he cast his inhibitions aside.

And, if I may, I’d like to go back to the alarming phone call at my place of work all those years ago.  Fogel placed the initial call, and maybe my memory wanted to remember it as Shyknight. Maybe the softspoken Southern Belle wanted it to be him on the other end of the line, thus the way my memory played tricks on me as I began to write.  But alas, I, too, took on another persona as I slipped out of my Antebellem dress, and placed my lace hankie on the dresser.  I stepped out into my boldness and became a warrioress.

As time passes, our memories can become something different than what actually happened. That is not to say a person is necessarily not telling what actually happened, but they are telling how they remember it in the now not in the past.

As is normal for me, I bounce from one spectrum to another like a rubber ball. I will have an underlying feeling of courage to become an open participant in a conversation or activity. Then the next moment I am back to the hesitant, afraid little boy that doesn’t want his hand slapped.

To overcome the fearful side of my persona in relation to the forum, I created another account and took the form of an actor playing a part which helps push aside the internal fears. What can anyone say? I am just playing a part. That part was “The Mad Lurker.” The Mad Lurker skulked around the forums peeking into places where he could make a stupid comment or two that then rapidly escape any rebuttal. The Mad Lurker would rarely respond to any comments upon his comments. However, my acting was not that good as I was discovered by a certain someone. The conversations then turned into a playful banter of truly foolish nature that turned into momentous hours of fun.

The thought while writing this is I should have used the name…

The Mad Skulker.

As the gathering of online friends continued nightly, we found ourselves not caring what anyone outside of our group thought.  When once we were uncomfortable in real life around certain people, we now had our own group of friends who became more like family.  Weeks turned into months and months into years.  We knew without a doubt the loyalty of this group of friends.

Back to our online forum aka “lounge” days.

Sir Shyknight and his friend, Fogel, finally felt comfortable enough in the group to move into private conversations.  Shyknight was only lurking in the lounge due to Fogel insisting he take a look around.  Fogel was, indeed, the more outspoken one, but these two together were a force to be reckoned with.  While they had their playful and silly side (as I recall a certain gentleman writing that he was dancing around his office chair, which made me giggle), they each had hearts as big as the universe!

Now, remember early on I thought I had chosen a screen name no one would recognize and thought surely no one would be able to find me.  Imagine the shock I had the morning I picked up the telephone at work and heard the caller on the other end speak my name.  The accent was strong, and I knew immediately this was not someone from the deep South such as myself.  Intrigued by the northern accent and soft yet manly voice that was speaking to me in such a familiar way,  imagine my shock and dismay when he announced he was none other than Shyknight!

How was this possible?

Frozen right where I sat, I struggled with my words.

How did he find me?

He began to speak of the subtle clues I had given him at first, and then more telling details, which unknowingly to me, allowed him to track me down.  Without telling him the name of my employer during our conversations, I soon learned there weren’t many bridge companies in the south!

Ah, to be young and naive. Meanwhile, Shyknight turned out not to be quite as shy as even HE had thought, for he reached out to me!

He soon calmed my fears and let me know he was not a threat to us.  Whew!  I remember a wave of relief washing over me as he warned of the dangers of the online world while we were speaking on the phone.  The thought brings a smile to this very day.  A “stranger” I met online was warning me of the dangers of giving too many details to strangers online that might lead to them finding me in real life!  EEK!!

These two were not a threat at all but were, instead, bright lights piercing the darkness.  Having learned of my whereabouts, I soon learned why they tracked me down.   They were behind every care package that arrived for my daughter and me during the early years.  Such thought was put into every package, and I have no doubt it was sealed with love each time.  From macaroni and cheese to stuffed animals, they chose items for my young daughter to surprise her and added treats for me that warmed my heart.  What a blessing it was to receive the boxes full of goodies. No one had ever done anything like that for us before.

It took a couple days for mental back and forth before throwing caution to the wind and logging back into that “place.” The next test was what in the world do I say?

I have always been awkward in social situations. I don’t know what to say or I feel like I will sound stupid no matter what I say. So, it is much easier for just sit off to the side and listen. You could say I was the perpetual president of “The Wallflowers of America – Illinois Chapter.”

Being this way all my life, I have learned to listen. So that is what I did once I went back. I listened, or in reality, just read posts. I read and read. You start to get really good idea of what a person is like with the way they express themselves in print. What words they choose. What phrases they use.

I would throw out the occasional post which more often than not had absolutely nothing to do with the conversation going on. The magical thing is that a certain person would almost always respond. It became at times what you might called a verbal waltz. Dancing to the whisper of a hidden orchestra playing behind the words on the screen.

After a time, I started to feel more at ease. You see that is important to people that are like me; quiet, reserved, and basically afraid to initiate most forms of communication. Feeling at ease is important to most people but some of us it is first and foremost in our minds.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  Everyone has their own beliefs about meeting people on the internet.  We’ve heard horror stories of kidnappings and serial killers.  We were told of the pure evilness of the internet as if the devil himself orchestrated it.  Now it was invading every household.   With that in mind, I was certain to disguise myself behind a screen name that gave off little information about myself.  Besides, it wasn’t just myself I had to think about here, for I had a toddler to protect!

I wasn’t as creative as this mysterious Shyknight character.  I was just an ordinary girl stepping out into the vast unknown of the world wide web.  SHB01 was what I came up with, which was later turned into Shooby by adoring fans.  Ha!  My “friends in the box” teased me with that nickname after we all became familiar with each other and comfortable enough to poke fun.  Yes, even Sir Shyknight, who we later learned had a tendency to be a prankster.

Ah, but in those early days, we were all just putting ourselves out there little by little, wondering if we would be accepted.  We came, just as we were from different walks of life, and surprisingly, we were welcomed with open arms.  One by one, friendships were formed just by a couple of strangers sharing their heartache and pain, mixed with laughter along the way.  Stories were shared of real-life struggles we were facing. Surprisingly to me, others were in deeper turmoil than I.  They, too, were in need of support and found it harder as adults to make new friends.  So, we sat at our computers, staring at the screen.  Scrolling through the topics, we read pieces that allowed a glimpse into that person’s life.  Often times we would take our conversations out of the public arena and into private emails or chats.  We shared with complete honesty and transparency our innermost thoughts and feelings without holding back.  That’s one thing about the internet.  Because you don’t walk alongside them daily in real life, you feel free to bare your soul.  You do so without hesitation or fear. You feel safe as you forge ahead.  In doing so, true friendships were made.  My new friends made me forget the ugliness that was going on around me.  Through their acceptance, compassion, support, and encouragement, they restored my faith in humanity.

It became a nightly ritual for me.  After reading my daughter’s favorite book to her, she would put her tiny hands together to pray.  As she closed her eyes, the longest blonde eyelashes touched her cheeks. With her favorite blanket and her
pink “Love Me” bear by her side, I tucked her into bed.  I kissed her on the forehead as she drifted off to dreamland.  I sat watching my little angel sleep for a while.  She was so peaceful.  I stroked her hair as I admired this beautiful gift God has given me.  I have always felt so completely blessed to be her mother.  Not wishing to wake her, I would quietly sneak out of her room into the next.  As I turned on the computer, I looked forward to sharing a few hours with my online friends.

The realization had just hit me. I had committed myself. I had committed myself to leaving the safety of my inner world where I controlled things. Where I hid myself from exposing myself inner self and feelings.

I could do what I always did. I could run. I could run and never come back. No one would notice. I would just be a brief whisp of a comment that disappeared into the night. A thought that never happened.

But. It’s an interesting word, “but.” It can pull you back from the abyss, from making a wrong choice. And there it stood, taunting me. “But, what if?”
That phrase haunted me the next day, “but, what if?” There was something pulling, tugging at me to leave my little safety zone. It was like a little voice whispering, “Take the risk. What could happen?”

“Take the risk.”

Do I dare?

I sat there staring at the screen.  An interesting individual appeared in our online community.   Not only did this brave man have an intriguing name, but he wanted a topic that, typically, only women seem concerned with:  romance.

Shyknight

His name almost jumped off the screen at me.  I envisioned him standing tall with his shiny metal armor on, shield in place, sword drawn, ready to defend our honor.  A knight in shining armor flung the door wide open and stood confidently in the doorway.

My imagination started to run wild.  As I type these words, the movie “A Knight’s Tale” comes to mind.

Ah, but he’s a shy one.  Well, we shall see if we can drawn him into our conversation on the topic at hand.  Romance … and so we dove head first into the topic.

I was a bit shocked that I had gotten a response. My expectation was the opposite as this was a place, a community, that was designed for women. I was expecting to be considered an invader upon a sacred place and this would be a one-time visit for me. Again, I wondered why there wasn’t a topic concerning what I thought would be of interest to women. At least not until now, after I had asked why wasn’t there a topic on… Romance.

Maybe it was my obsession with reading history that led me to develop the ideals of chivalry and honour I tried to grasp. I devoured books while growing up. I spent countless hours reading of Knights and tournaments, Ivanhoe and King Arthur, but finally settling on my favorite style of tale, The Three Musketeers and Cyrano De Bergerac.

Now here I was, looking at the newly created Romance topic with a single post. Should I post something? Or should I just do my usual response and fade away. Instead, I decided to see what kind of person it was that responded to me. I casually scanned through the topics looking for posts of this someone. I was not disappointed. There she was, and there again. With each line read, there was something, something that I couldn’t describe. Something that was calling. Calling for me to follow and read more. As I glanced through her postings, I began to realize, there was something here that was special about her; something totally… fascinating.

When my marriage ended in divorce well over 20 years ago and my young daughter visited her dad on the weekends, I had way too much time on my hands.  I occupied myself by climbing on a blue lawn mower, which was more like a tank, and cutting six acres of grass Friday evening and into the majority of Saturday.  I placed the headphones over my ears and turned up the volume in an attempt to silence my deafening thoughts.  When the sun faded into the horizon I was forced to put the mower away and walk inside the empty house alone.

Friends were few and far between at that point.  They became distant when I needed them the most.  I’m sure it was a mixture of them not knowing what to say and others just not wanting to get involved.  Regardless of the reason they pulled away, I was alone every other weekend.  I found when most everyone looked forward to the weekends, I dreaded every other weekend when my daughter would be away.  I yearned for the days when our little white house in the country was filled with laughter and a whole lot of love.  It would be again come Sunday night when my beautiful blonde hair, blue-eyed girl with a smile that would light up the entire universe walked back into the door!  While I waited, I could either let the darkness outside and in my life consume me, or I could find another outlet.

One evening, desperate for companionship, I wandered into a forum I had seen advertised on a television network for women.  I didn’t know what to expect when I joined in on the conversation, but I was pleasantly surprised to find not only women but a few brave men among the group.  They were all so welcoming and supportive.  Serious topics were discussed in that forum, and these precious people soon became my closest friends.  One dear lady with a son around my daughter’s age said her son described us as her “friends in the box.”

Oh, I thank GOD for my friends in the box!

I still dreaded every other weekend when my daughter had to go, but when the sun went down, my broken and wounded soul found comfort with people I had never even laid eyes on.  I no longer had to feel alone for they were right there with me any time I logged in.

There is something unique about “meeting” people online.  Because they don’t walk beside you in your “real” everyday life, you find yourself more comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with them.  They confide in you as well, and the strongest bonds begin to form.  You feel as if you have finally found a connection with people who truly understand and care for you.  They become your tribe, your support system, and your friends for life!