Reflecting on 2019
It’s Christmastime, and what better time for reflecting on 2019 than right this minute before we usher it out the door and welcome in a brand new year!
My mom had back surgery in February, which really upset our entire world. Fear creeps in, even though you try to beat it back with all that is in you. She had a little complication after the surgery, and her hospital stay was extended. My very devoted dad stayed by her side the entire time through it all. Thankfully, my mom was soon on the mend and headed home to recover. It’s been months now, and she’s getting along much better than before. Thank you, Lord!
The year 2019 brought about new beginnings for us. While searching for land to ride our horses on, a realtor showed us one of her friend’s homes “just for kicks.” Wishing to move back to Maryland to be closer to their family, they were days away from putting their house on the market. A new house really was not on our list, as we had a home with six acres that we loved. However, upon seeing this house, we reconsidered. My oldest daughter was beginning to want to leave the nest for her independence, but instead, we switched! She stayed in the home she grew up in, and we moved in March to a two-story house on 32 acres for our new beginning!
The move came just in time for a new addition to our family, too! Our great-nephew was born in May, and we were thrilled when they chose to stay with us for a week and a half after coming home from the hospital. We were allowed a lot of bonding time, which I will always treasure! This dark haired and dark eyed little boy stole my heart!
Things weren’t all smooth sailing this year, though. We’ve had some setbacks and times that caused us great sadness as we’ve learned of health issues with those we hold so dear to our heart. We have faith in God and are hopeful that their health will be renewed, although they will be required to go through a few things before that can happen. We pray and put it in God’s hands.
Lessons are another thing that 2019 offered us as well. We’ve all done the “shoulda, coulda, woulda” over situations in our lives. However, I have learned that no amount of dwelling on it will change what happened. I can want with all of my might for things to have been different, but it won’t change the situation no matter what. Beating myself up over a mistake also does more harm than good. We talk to ourselves more during the course of the day than anyone else, so we need to extend kindness. The saying, “It is what it is” rings true. We can wish things were different and if we had the opportunity to go back and do things over again, I know we would have chosen differently. However, there is NO going back in time. What’s done is done. We just have to live with what IS.
Another lesson learned … let GO of ill feelings. They serve absolutely NO purpose. If you are holding a grudge, who do you really think you are hurting? There might be a misunderstanding that occurred, and maybe you aren’t talking to someone you once were close to. Perhaps it hurts them just as much as it hurts you that there was this division between you two. Or, maybe it’s really eating at you while they’ve gone on about their lives. Who is to know how this is affecting them if you two aren’t on speaking terms. While it is great to set up boundaries, you do have to think about the result you want in the end. Do you want to never speak to these people ever again? Or are you hopeful that at some point fences can be mended and you see each other again? If children are involved, it hurts them, too. They are not allowed to be a part of your life if there is a division some where between the parents. And you lose all that bonding time with them. Is it worth it? To me, no. I’d much rather have time with those I love, especially children. They grow up way too fast, and honestly, they should not be used as a weapon against another. They should be allowed to see all of their family members, no matter what is going on with everyone else in the family. Precious time is lost when you’re not allowed to be a part of their little lives. I, for one, am not willing to allow any more time to be wasted. I have a seven month old great-nephew that lights up my life, and I intend to spend as much time with him as I possibly can!
My daughters are my heart and soul. They have grown into two beautiful young ladies, and my heart is so grateful! I know that in this life, I have done a good job raising these young ladies. They have good morals and values, and they are the kindest souls with big hearts that would do anything in their power to help others. This was proven when my youngest daughter raised money to send to the children’s hospital, and it was further proven when my oldest daughter purchased items for a homeless man just this past week. My heart beams with pride and joy for these two.
My oldest daughter is pursing her dream of special effects makeup and had the opportunity to go to Wisconsin this year to participate in their haunted house. She’s getting ready to explore new things in the hair industry this coming year as well.
My youngest daughter is a Freshman in High School! Y’all, she’s 15 years old with hair just about as long as her legs!!! She is so incredibly tall and extremely smart!
Can you see me beaming all the way over there? I’m probably beaming brighter than your Christmas tree lights right now!
Let’s not forget my son-in-law-to-be. I prayed for a Christian young man to come into my oldest daughter’s life to show her what it is to be treasured and cherished. God brought him to us three years ago, and they are talking of a future together. It makes my heart dance to see them together and then to hear of their plans! My heart is so full.
This past weekend, we hosted a Christmas party. We love to have the walls of our new home filled with love and laughter, and this party did not disappoint. My dear friend, Greg, drove all the way from Illinois to be with us JUST for that evening. Never in all of my life have I had anyone drive 11 hours to be present for a Christmas party we were having, and yet, he did. That is a true friend … a friend of a lifetime!
Ah, 2019, you have been a good one … all things considered. We are truly blessed, and we thank God for it all.
Year 2020, please be kind to us!
Merry Christmas from our family to yours …
Darkness
It’s a bitter cold, dreary and rainy type of day here in the South.
I went about my regular routine this morning getting ready for work. As I was throwing the load of towels into the dryer on my way out of the door, my daughter called. Her sweet, soft voice came over the speaker. She knew what day it was for me; my sister’s birthday. Normally this is a happy occasion, and I’m sure it is with the angels gathered around in Heaven singing her a heavenly “Happy Birthday.” Down here on Earth, though, our hearts still yearn for her.
It has now been 18 years that I’ve gone through the motions of this day. It should be second nature by now to remember her silently, then go about my day. Right?
Wrong.
We can’t help but think of 18 years that she should have been here with you. Eighteen years of memories that you and your children should have been able to make with her gathered around at every occasion. When my parents come through the door for the holidays in a few weeks, my sister should be right behind them with the biggest smile on her face.
Eighteen years without her laughter … without her mischievous grin … without her doing sweet gestures “Just because.”
Yes, we have the memories that we cling to … and I treasure each and every one. We have pictures, although if I had known her life would be cut short, I would have taken a thousand more to hold and flip through … on days like this.
These days are known to my family as “tender days.” It’s a phrase the suicide survivor’s group passed down to us. Tender days consist of our loved ones birthday, the anniversary of their passing, holidays, and any other special occasions that they should have been present for … but aren’t.
Darkness could so easily slip in at a time like this. It’s when you really have to fight it, and fight with all you’ve got inside of you at times.
I honestly thought I was doing okay until last weekend at the annual Angel of Hope Vigil when tears stung my eyes, then became a never ending river flowing down my cheeks. For the past ten years, my family and I have attended this ceremony to remember all of the children (regardless of age) that left this world way too soon. I purchased a plaque on the wall behind the angel a few years ago in order to allow another place to “visit” with my sister. It was hard for my parents to visit the cemetery, and honestly, for me as well. So, the Angel provides another sacred area to pay tribute and honor to my sister.
She’s so much more than the way she died. That’s what I want everyone to “get.”
She’s the joy she brought to so many that came to know her. While quiet and shy at first, she became a little more outgoing the more she felt comfortable in your presence. Then, watch out because the prankster might reveal itself. She’s the sweet tokens of love she’d leave under the table cloth for me to find after she left my house … I’ll never forget the Valentine’s gifts she hid for me under that table. She placed them under there when she visited, and she called a few days later to say, “Hey, how about go look under that table cloth and tell me what you see …”
And so I remember those little things even more so today … and carry them with me always. With every memory I have of her, I wish I had ten thousand more … but my time with her was cut short.
Now she’s in the arms of the angels … in the arms of God …
Holiday Spirit
Our family couldn’t wait to decorate for Christmas this year. We had only been in our new home for eight months when my youngest daughter exclaimed, “I want to go all out for Christmas.” And so the decorating began in November. Usually the rule in my house is to decorate the day AFTER Thanksgiving, but this year, we were in the holiday spirit weeks prior to Thanksgiving.
It is such a special time of year, with a feeling of magic in the air. Everything seems so much brighter this time of year, with people seemingly more friendly and loving toward each other.
Why can’t we carry this feeling with us long after the holidays have gone?
For now, I’ll enjoy it while I can.
Sitting by the blazing fire, music playing softly, with Christmas lights twinkling all around me, I have to ask, “Does it get any better than this?”
Family and friends drew near on Thanksgiving day as we feasted together, truly thankful for all of our many blessings in this life. We are missing some this holiday season, but we keep them in our hearts … forever. Our memories bring them back to us any time we’d like … we just drift off into our own thoughts and find them there. What we wouldn’t do to have one more conversation with them, to tell them all the things we need to say to them. But, our hearts whisper them now and ask God to carry our message to our loved ones in Heaven.
I’m thankful for the man with white-as-cotton hair that I used to play in as I sat behind him in the car. “Papa,” as we all lovingly called him, even though he was my father-in-law and not my grandpa as so many thought when they saw us together. I’ll never forget this big, strong man sitting at the bar in the kitchen asking in this low tone, “Will you be my friend?” We’d laugh, as he was cutting up and fooling around. Oh, how I miss that man. “Tears In Heaven” was a favorite he would play, and it’s hard to listen to that Eric Clapton song today without thinking of his sad eyes upon learning he had lung cancer. We rallied around him, through the surgeries and treatments. He left this world way too soon, snatched from us before I could officially tell him that I was pregnant with his grandchild! She has had to learn of him through pictures and stories we tell … and that is my duty to make sure his memory lives on.
My heart is grateful for 33 years with my sister, although not all of them were full of happiness and joy. We fought, as all sisters do, and we had a falling out. But my heart is forever thankful for the time I had when our stubborn hearts were reunited. I’ll forever treasure the memory of her arriving at my workplace with a present for me. It wasn’t my birthday, holiday, or any special occasion that I knew of … yet she offered this present to me with a smirk upon her face. I took it from her hands, with a puzzled look on my face. She never said a word … just stood there grinning as I unwrapped the present to find a picture frame with her ultrasound inside. My heart leaped and did cartwheels at the thought of my sister having a baby. I’ll treasure that memory for all time. That special moment she shared with me.
I can’t help but think of the brown haired little boy looking up at me from his car seat as my daughter returned from a visit with her father years ago. Her brother, so innocent and sweet, sat there with skin of a porcelain doll. The face of an angel. He grew into this giant of a young man, towering over my daughter in her graduation picture. Yet another taken from us way too soon … he’s forever frozen at just 19 years of age.
I think of my grandparents that have gone on to be with the Lord. I was never their favorite, and I knew this. But toward the end, I felt I had some special time with my grandmother. We decorated her house and brought cake to welcome her home after an extended hospital stay. I knew the end was near after she suffered terribly for two years. Then, on her last Christmas with us, we took her a birthday cake and sang Happy Birthday to Jesus. I’ll forever remember this once strong woman, now in her weak, frail state, singing along with us, giving reverence to our Lord and Savior.
The last Christmas with my mother-in-law was extra special as well. She knew the end was drawing near after she could not tolerate any more chemo. And so she invited us over for an early Christmas meal. We gathered around, trying desperately not to acknowledge what the near future would hold and just enjoy the time we had together. We ate the feast prepared by a local caterer, as she was far too weak yet would not allow us to bring anything. We laughed together and exchanged gifts … then a few short months later, she passed away.
Pictures … and memories … are all we have left of these beautiful people. Our hearts miss them more than our mouths will ever speak of … and we shed silent tears for them. But they have shaped who we are today. None of us will go through life unchanged or unaffected by the time we shared with them. It’s carved in our minds and we are better people for having them touch our hearts as they have.
A lot of people balk or groan at the thought of holiday pictures, or pictures in general … yet they are treasured for those left to pick up the pieces long after you’re gone.
This holiday season, get in the pictures. Laugh that full on belly laugh with your loved ones and stop hiding when the camera gets pointed in your direction. One day someone will be sitting there thinking of you and re-living memories, as they rifle through their pictures searching with all their might for ones of you.
