Sitting here writing over the past two weeks, after participating in the #write28days challenge, has touched off a time of reflection about many things I have not thought about in a long time. This has been ironic in that over the past year as I have gotten older I have been reflecting upon certain things trying to figure out why I acted as I did back then.

I have come to realize that I have what seems to be an ingrained fear of many things. I have no idea why I felt this way. But it explains my actions and why I did many of the things I did. And the thing is, I still have the feeling of being afraid lot of times.

It could be that it comes from how I was treated as a child. Being that I was the fat kid with the milk bottle thick glasses I was teased… a lot. I was always picked last for everything. All I wanted to do was feel accepted and a part of things.

As I sit here reflecting on certain things that happened back in the lounge, it seemed that when I would get the courage to strike forth and break through that overwhelming sense of fear, something would happen that would smack me down and feed that big fear monster.

One such situation, involved a person named Simpleton. We seemed hit it off really well. For quite some time we would spend time chatting through ICQ (for those that don’t know what that is think FB messenger) for hours during the evenings. Quite a few people in the lounge were playfully nudging me to about the possibility of us meeting in person. I succumbed to the prodding and asked her on a date. She agreed. This played out for a week or so until a date was set for us to meeting at a designated town between where the two of us lived. Me being my usual self, decided I would get her a single rose with a Teddy Bear. Come the night before we were supposed to meet, the truth came out. She was just playing with me. To say the least, I was crushed. Even though this had happened before, that didn’t take away the feeling that I was worthless and not worthy of anyone which just fed more of my fear of relationships. Because of this, I closed myself off. I was too afraid to try again. Because of that feat, I missed out on something magical.

In this time of reflecting back on things I like, I realize now it was foolish to let my fear keep me from the thing I wanted most in life.